Control (a Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 12

Harry's Point of View

"Harry, this is Nick."  My boyfriend."  She said with tears hidden in her eyes.  I stood there in shock.  I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, all I could do was stand there.  "Bye Haz."  She said after a minute.  She started to close the dark blue door that would separate us like it had done so many times before, but she stopped.  "I'm sorry."  She mouthed.  Sorry?  She's sorry?  How can she just say she's fucking sorry?

"Me too."  I mouthed back.  I was sorry.  I was so sorry that I had waited so long.  God, I hated myself.  This was all my fault.  I expected her to wait for me while I took my time breaking up with Hannah.  I lost Charlie because I was too much of an idiot to see that any guy could come along and take my place.  After a few minutes I realized I was still standing outside Charlie's flat.  I turned and let my head fall which cause tears I didn't even know had formed to roll down my cheeks and onto the floor beneath me.  I dragged my feet as I walked down the hallway, scuffing my white converse.  I shouldn't have been so stupid.  I should've seen how special Charlie was.  How valuable she was.  How guys were probably all over her all the time.  I was so fucking stupid to think a girl like Charlie would wait for me.  She didn't.  She didn't wait for me and now I was alone.  Sure I had girls who wanted to date me, a lot of girls.  They were fans, and they were great, but they weren't her.  They would never be her.  No one could be better than Charlie.  She was the one.

"Hey how did it go?"  Niall asked excitedly when I walked through the door with my head down.

"You better have a girlfriend right now, Harry!"  Louis added as they all jumped off the couches to crowd around me.

"Harry say something!"  Liam added.  "What did she say?"  They were all muttering things and shaking my shoulders and patting my back.  I finally looked up at them to reveal my tear-stained face and everything stopped.  The patting my back turned to only Zayn's hand on my shoulder.  The excited murmuring turned to silence.  They're faces turned to stone as the stared at me with their mouths open waiting for an explanation.

"She has a boyfriend."  I said.  I couldn't help it as new tears made their way into my eyes and a few spilled out causing me to pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to stop them.  I chuckled a little and let out a sad sigh at how pathetic I was.  "I waited too long.  She has a boyfriend."  I practically whispered, almost to myself because it was finally hitting me.  I walked into my room and shut the door in the boys' faces.  I needed to be alone.

Again, I found myself thinking about what Charlie was doing.  Was she crying?  There were tears in her eyes when she opened the door, but did that mean she was upset, or was she just overwhelmed?  Maybe she was feeling guilty.  She watched as she broke my heart, that would make anyone feel guilty, but I didn't want that for her.  She didn't do anything wrong.  That's when I realized something.  She wasn't crying, or feeling guilty, or even thinking about me.  She was thinking about someone else.  She was hugging, and kissing, and holding someone else.  She was running her hands through his hair, she was holding his hand, she was rubbing his chest.  He was holding her waist, he was making her laugh that laugh where she throws her head back and wrinkles her nose and her smile spreads practically to her ears making her gums show a little because, for one second, she's not thinking about how she looks and then she puts her hand over mouth to hide that face, but she has no idea how beautifully adorable it is.  He's doing all that, not me.  He got her, not me.  She chose him, not me, and that…that killed me.  Of corse I loved the idea of her being happy.  I loved the idea of her having someone who makes her feel the way she makes me feel, but I couldn't help the fact that I wanted to be that someone.  I would give anything to be that someone.

Charlie's Point of View:

"Me too."  He mouthed back.  That broke my heart.  He wasn't even angry.  He had every right to be angry, but he wasn't.  He was sorry.  

"Who was that guy?"  Nick asked after I closed the door.  I walked in front of him so I could wipe away the few tears that were threatening to make their way down my face.

"An old friend."  I said again.  An old friend, Charlie?  The voice in my head questioned me.  An old fucking friend?  You know he's so much more than that.  I did know that, but how could I explain that to Nick?  How could I tell Nick that the guy at the door was the first guy I ever liked, the guy I would always have feelings for?  I looked at Nick's slightly round face and his brown puppy-dog eyes.  I liked him, but if I was being honest he was no Harry.  Nick was good.  He was nice, he was cute, he made me laugh, he was…safe.  I felt stable with Nick, he was predictable.

"How come you never told me about him?"  He asked as he sat down next to me on the couch and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"I guess it just never came up.  It's no big deal."  I explained.  I really did not want to talk about Harry with Nick and I was doing everything I could to change the subject.

"You know I might get jealous."  He joked, pulling me in closer and kissing the side of my head.  Nick was a good boyfriend.  He did things like that all the time.  So why wasn't I happy yet?

"Hey Nick…"  I said, walking towards the door, "I forgot I have to be somewhere early tomorrow, I really hate to do this, but do you think you could go?  I'll call you tomorrow."  I lied.  I really liked spending time with Nick, but now I just wanted him to leave.

"Oh,"  He said, slightly caught off guard, "sure, babe.  I'll let you get your sleep."  With that he kissed my lips and was out the door.  I didn't waste any time after that.  I did exactly what I did whenever I felt something, whenever I felt anything.  I did the only think I knew to do…I got a razor out of the box.

I threw my head back a little as the pain moved from one side of my wrist to the other.  At this point I didn't even know why I was doing it.  It just felt so right.  I needed it.  I dragged the metal blade across my wrist again, this time a little deeper, but not too deep.  I was careful.  I almost never cut deep enough to do damage, only once.  That was the hardest part of all of this.  It took so much control, so much will power, to keep myself from forcing the blade as deep as could into my skin and then using all my strength rip through my skin, the muscles underneath, everything.  That would be real pain.  Pain like that could make someone forget anything.  Pain like that is exactly what I need, but pain like that would kill me.  I cleaned my blood covered forearm in the kitchen sink and watched the crimson colored liquid swirl down the drain.  I poured disinfectant on the new cuts and put a couple band-aids over the bad ones.  They started to itch as they desperately tried to heal themselves and I fought the urge to scratch them with everything in me, just like I fought the urge to cut deeper.  I sank into my couch and stared at my arm until the subtle buzzing off my phone broke through my thoughts.

Nick<3: "I had fun today.  Goodnight, beautiful.  Sweet dreams. xx"  

Yes, Nick was a good boyfriend.  He took care of me, he told me I was beautiful, he sent me nice texts, he kissed me like he meant it.  Nick was safe.  I wasn't risking anything by being with Nick, but maybe that was the problem.  Maybe what I missed was the risk.  I missed the thrill of never knowing.  When I looked at Harry I never knew what he was about to do.  He could kiss me, or he could fight with me, or he could cry.  I never knew what to expect.  Harry kept me on my toes.  That's what I missed.  I missed the excitement that came with Harry.

What did you guys think?? What do you think about Nick?  Do you think Charlie did the right thing, or would you have waited?  What do you think Harry should do?  Let me know message me on tumblr at http://moaningtommosname.tumblr.com/ask anytime!!

Once again I'm not saying cutting or self-harming is ever the right think to do. If you ever need to talk or want to share your story you can contact me anonymously or not on tumblr.  I love you guys so much, you can talk to me anytime.