Nostalgic

2 A.M

It's 2 in the morning and my head is throbbing in pain. Earlier today I cried in the shower for an hour thinking about you. I cried and cried until I had nothing left in me and it was time to get out. Why is it, when I think I have moved on I keep coming back to the thought of you? 

My head is full of questions that I know I won't get answers to. Questions like why did this happen? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? How did I not see this coming? I was so deeply in love with you. I saw myself marrying you. 

I begin to think about the good moments. The things that make you...you. Like the way your eyes squint when you're when you're beginning to smile to the point where they're half closed. The way the skin around your mouth crinkles up, 2 wrinkles on each side to be exact.The smile is only real when your eyes begin to sparkle. Your laugh. I could listen to it all day. For quite some time I did. Every FaceTime call, ever moment spent with you and in our zone. It was so contagious and I promise you it was music to my ears. What made you you was more than your smile and laugh. It was your personality. So outgoing and determined. Always made sure everyone was happy and felt comfortable. You never let anyone feel left out. You could light up the room with your carefree attitude. 

The first year was amazing...the honeymoon phase. I relive those moments through memories, pictures, and videos. Our car jams always had me smiling. I was overwhelmed with happiness with you. I knew I felt true love with you when I let myself vulnerable to you. Almost two years with you but I ended it. I ended for so many reasons and I regret doing it. It was the way we were fighting way too much, how unhappy I was with how things were going, how insecure I was beginning to feel, how controlling you got, how isolated I became and how I didn't even love myself. I put you first before anything else. Before my family. Before my friends. Before myself. I was never put first. I always was last. I should have known how to work things out. You didn't even fight. You didn't call. You didn't tell me that we should push through this. 

I have never been in a long term relationship before. I didn't know how to communicate how I was feeling with you. Then again, you never fully let me. You would shut it down and it would pile up. You didn't let me vent when I needed to. You wouldn't hear me out. We didn't know what do. No one is given a book about how to be in a relationship. Every relationship is different. I didn't know how hard it could get. I just knew I wanted to be with you but I didn't want it to cost me myself. I needed to begin to love myself. I did it for us, or so I hoped I did. I wanted to love myself and grow, so I could love you better. I believed that if I truly loved myself then I could love you better. I did it for us. 

After that, we both fucked up. We did things we both regretted, more than the other. You lied about how everything went down with your mistake. I told you the truth.  Somehow...for some reason we came back to each other. It could have been because you told me that you forgave me and I had to block him or else. Could have been because you cried to me telling me what you were going to do to yourself I left. Or the fact that you came to the movies to beg for me. You were crying and I believed every word you spewed. You told me she was nothing and  that you regret doing what you did. I stopped fucking with the guy the second we started to talk again. You continued to fuck her before you came to my house, after you just made love to me in my bed or the next day when you couldn't come over. You lied to me about how it went down and when it stopped. She showed me the proof. For some reason, I let my love for you make the decision. So....We were a couple again just without the label. That's what you repeated to me every time I asked why we weren't together. I pushed for more. I pushed to be in a relationship with you but it was always an excuse. Your parents didn't want you dating again until freshman year of college was over. Your parent didn't like me anymore. They didn't want you dating me. Thank you for reminding me how you were fighting to be with me because you told me about the fights y'all had over me. You told me they wanted you to stop talking to me but here you were....calling to talk to me. To hear my voice. So why, why did you choose her over me?