Nostalgic

3 A.M

Now, it's 3 am. You're in your bed sleeping with her next to you because she now moved into your home. I'm sitting in bed typing this while listening to my playlist, "In My Feels." I know you won't ever see this. Just like I know you didn't read my letter to you because you wanted to. Just like you don't know that I still have our pictures and our videos. That everyday, snapchat shows me our flashback memories that causes me to cry a little. I can't even drive around the town you live in without getting anxiety at the thought of seeing you in person. Who knew that in December was the last time I would see you in person, our last kiss, our last hug and our last true heart-to-heart. It's june and I'm still not over you. I know you're over me. I don't know what hurts the most. That I continue to think of you even though you don't think of me or that I lost the best thing that has happened to me. Your love felt so right but it was all wrong. Did you fall in love with me? When did you fall out of love with me? When did you know that you didn't want me anymore. Do you think of me? 

What all was a lie? Was it a lie when you told me that you thought about me. That you missed your best friend. Was it all a lie? I have so many questions that I know won't be answered. What am I suppose to do if you do come back into my life. Do I block you? Do I do what you did? 

How come I still think so highly of you. Why do I still defend you even though you kept hurting me. You told me karma was going to get me. You told me that I don't deserve to feel mad or hurt by my FRIEND betraying me. You told me that if I didn't break up with you then none of this would have happened. How come it was all my fault. You told me that I had myself to blame. "You don't love me, and don't say you love me because you don't. I'm done with all of this. I'm not going to answer them because you don't deserve a fucking answer." I just wanted answers to why you did what you did. Why you believed I should be mad at myself for what happened. Why tell me you didn't want me moving but tell me that I said I did. Why tell me that our relationship didn't fall apart. Why speak to me with so much hate. Why does it feel like you hate me? I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't the one who lead you on. I wasn't the one who lied to everyone about what truly happened that summer. What actually happened between us. 

You won. You're still in my head and I'm not in yours. Its time to move on from you but I'm scared. I'mm scared for many reasons but the main one is corny. I'm scared to be hurt again. I do not wish the pain I been going through since January to anyone.  I just want to have a last conversation with you and ending it with good terms.  I know that's something that won't happen. It's sad that I still hope for it. One day, I'll be over this. For now, it's all I can think about. I want to hate you. I want to stop wasting my tears on you. I want to but I can't.

I think about the good times. The times where we would play fight with each other and you would let me win. The times where I would accompany you to your brother's games. The times that you held my hand and rubbed your thumb across it. The way you would say "baby" in your sweet, baby like voice. The times where we were on facetime and you would pout because you didn't want me going to sleep. The times where you would fall asleep on the phone. The car jams where we just screamed our lungs out in your car. The spots at the park to just sit in your car and talk about life. The times where you let me experience new things. You teaching me new things. You always running into my arms. You tackling me into the bed just to smother me in kisses. You falling asleep on me and letting me fall asleep on you. The pictures on my phone, that I find on my phone the net day, of you taking a selfie of me on your chest asleep while you look at the camera with a big smile. Even the pictures that you take of me sleeping on your chest and you take the picture with your eyes closed just to pretend that we were both sleeping. The long paragraphs that you use to send me. The videos of you smothering me in kisses, showing our weird side and of you just being you. The moments where I would come crying to you and you told me that everything will be fine. That I was strong. You knew me more than anyone else. You let me see you in a way that no one has ever seen you. How about the times where you would geek to me about cars. I did not understand any of it but just seeing your eyes light up in love. I knew I didn't want to be anywhere else. I wanted to see that look for the rest of my life. How you would play with my hair, brush it, try to braid it or just to put it in a ponytail. How you would cook for me and your family. Your family dinners were always amazing. How you would introduce me to your family with a proud smile. How you would cry on my shoulder and I cheer you up. The fact that you would let me play your video games while you just sit back and watch me get mad at losing. The way your touch felt so welcoming and inviting. Your hugs filled me with happiness and warmth. Your presence made me feel loved and safe. 

I push back all the bad because I remember all the good. I wonder if you still have our pictures, videos and the gifts I gave you. I still have all of our pictures, videos and gifts you gave me. 

I miss you and I know I shouldn't. 

I still love you when I shouldn't. 

It's now 4 in the morning.

Goodnight,

Me.