ben shapiro fanfic

interaction

the first thing you hear is an alarm sound as your eyes flutter open. "my stupid alarm" you whisper as you hit snooze. wait. you realize that today is important and you should probably get up now so you can get ready. this is it. your first day outside in three years. 

you go into to bathroom and look at yourself. "do i exist? do birds exist? the answer to both of those is absolutely not" you say, unsure of anything anymore. after taking a world-record shit, you wash your face with the neighbor's dog's poop and brush your teeth. you go to the kitchen to make coffee. shit. you ran out five months ago but you never noticed. "we're living in a simulation," you chuckle, "what is the point of life." 

you leave your door open in case your neighbor and her dog want to visit (maybe leave a little surprise since you love eating caca). you have to walk to the coffee shop 12 miles away since you don't have a car and you're too stupid to realize that buses or any other form of transportation exists. "jesus fucking christ why did i move to wyoming" you think as you continue walking. you think of ben shapiro and how hot he is. muy caliente. mmkdjgig yommi ben shapiro. after what felt like years, you finally spot the coffee shop. jesus christ it's already 3pm. you enter the door and everyone stares at you. shit. fuck. you realize you haven't showered in six weeks and you look and smell like a rat. you think of ben shapiro again.

you order a gallon of coffee and ask for a splash of rat poison in it. the barista is slow so he fills half of the cup with rat poison. that's fine. you like it. ben shapiro. as you start drinking the coffee, you see him from across the coffee shop. he's staring at you, probably because your lice are starting to migrate across the room. but he doesn't care. he gets up and starts walking toward you. that's when you see it. the man is ben shapiro himself. the man, the myth, the legend. your true love.