Broken Mind, Soul And Body

I wanna thank @ExperimentZero for editing this fic. Thank you so much

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Castiel took a deep breath as he walked in the dark of the night. His pace slow, his whole body was hurting, he wanted this to end. He hoped that when he hated himself so much, somebody would love him and help him, and indeed, he had Dean, his Alpha. Why was he so greedy? Why his mate's love wasn't enough for him to live?

He kept walking, not knowing where he was going. He had sent a very clear text to Dean an hour ago.

[I hope there's no afterlife, else I am screwed. I love you. I am really sorry Dean]

And then he closed his phone, so Dean wouldn't be able to somehow track his signal. He didn't know if people could do that at all. He just wanted to be left alone. It was 3:00am.

At 9:00 PM, Dean and Cas had a fight. A meaningless fight, to be honest. Dean was curious about Cas' past. A past that Cas didn't want to talk about. And then the fight went like this: 'You don't trust me', 'You don't love me enough' and all these hurtful words people use to make themselves seem more fair.

At 9:30 PM, Castiel left their place, wanting to get some air. He just wanted some time and space away from Dean. He walked to the nearest bar and ordered a drink then another, and another. He just wanted to forget his problems for a while. His past... Dean wanted to tell him his past... What was the point of it? The scars all over his body said it all. A dead mother, abused by his father, because he wanted an Alpha, and not a "filthy Omega" like him. A father that committed suicide, and a brother that purely hated him. What was the point for Dean to learn all of this? Wasn't it enough to know that he had a past he didn't want to talk about?

Around 11:00 PM, a man approached him. An Alpha. One that bought him a drink, andthat flirted with him. Well, he was flattered, and the look on the Alpha's face, made him giggle. He wished Dean was there, to see his cute jealous face. To see this man, that didn't care about his bite mark. Dean would even start a fight. Well, flirting a little, teasing the Alpha wouldn't be bad... would it?

At 01:00am, Cas waved at the Alpha, thanking him for the drink. The Alpha followed him till the door, complaining that they didn't talk much or get to know each other. Castiel made it clear that he was slightly drunk and wanted to go home. But this didn't matter. The Alpha grabbed his arm, and dragged him to the back of the store, forcing him against the wall. Castiel had been through aggressive Alphas like him. But he was drunk, and weak. He was exhausted. He cried for help, but another Alpha walked past them. Castiel was reminded once again that Omegas' rights were limited. His phone was buzzing from Dean's worried texts, as Castiel cried for help, being forced to please the Alpha.

It didn't last long. At 01:30am, the Alpha left Castiel bruised, bleeding on the ground. "You like to play with your food!" was all Castiel could scream before passing out.

He woke up an hour later. He barely managed to stand on his feet when he opened his phone to see Dean's texts. Dean apologizes. He had promised himself not to hurt himself again, or anyone around him. But what was the point?

He started walking slowly, carefully. Thinking what was the right choice to do. He had tried to cut himself. Never actually really worked. Had tried to take pills. Dean knew well where to hide them. But now he was alone, in the middle of the night. He could easily get involved in an accident.

Jump in front of a car? It wasn't right to take another life with him. Maybe jump from a building? But he wouldn't surely die.

It had started raining. He looked up at the sky. "Are you crying too? I hope you don't cry for me," he thought as he closed his eyes and kept walking. He was a living corpse anyway. He was in a relationship that Dean was more like his psychologist than his boyfriend. He didn't understand people's minds. Always so complex.

He found himself walking on a bridge. What a tragic and common way to die. Tears rolled down his eyes. He wasn't important. No one would miss him anyway. He had nobody in the world. Except Dean, the person that was suffering just by being around him.

No cars were passing. No one would see him anyway. He looked at the sky again. He was ready. "God... Since you exist... Or don't give a fuck for my existence... Like everybody else... Please... Don't make it painful at least..." he whispered.

This was not a movie. This wasn't a sad story about someone that wanted to kill himself, and suddenly the love of his life would appear behind him and rescue him. No, life wasn't that kind with him.

He climbed to the metal bars and looked down. He would surely die. "Cas!" he heard. That familiar scream. A scream that was muffled with tears, and then he saw Dean running to his place. How? How was that even possible? He froze there. As Dean walked closer he pulled even more away, wanting to jump.

"Cas, stop it, please..." Dean begged, staring at him. "I can't live without you..." he whispered. No, this wasn't real. Couldn't be real. Life wasn't like a movie. For a moment he felt relieved. Was that God? Helping him? Stopping him?

"Cas, if you jump, there's nothing else to live..." Dean stuttered. "If you jump, I won't hold you in my arms again, I won't watch the sunrise with you again. I won't make you coffee again when you are grumpy. I won't take you from work when you have your attacks. I won't have any more moments with you... If you do this, there's no way back... You tell me you won't live another happy moment with me ever again? That you won't keep studying to be a doctor? That you will abandon me?" he said breaking down.

The sweet smell of safety Dean was radiating off, but also the feeling of desperation made Cas move closer and stand on his feet again. Made him walk to his place, crying as loud as he could.

"I will kill the one who hurt you" Dean growled, holding Cas protectively.