Trigger Warning

Chapter 3

I sat in bed watching YouTube. At some point, I stopped focusing. Instead, I thought about Hayden. It was the middle of May, and we hadn't really talked since February. I had been losing interest in him for a few months now. And he never had any time to even reply to my texts now. But I was still clinging to the hope that everything would work out fine. I missed the way we used to be; talking every day, always saying we love each other, unexpected kisses. But when I really thought about it, I think it was mainly me sending little love letters, coming up with a bunch of nicknames, tagging him in posts about couples. 

It hurt to think about letting him go, but he didn't seem to want to hold on anymore. Were we falling out of love? Had we ever truly been in love in the first place? Did he ever think of me the way I thought of him? Did he ever dream of the day I would ask him to be mine forever, the way I did nearly every day for seven months? I had so many unanswered questions. I just wanted everything to work out. I sighed, setting my phone down. "It'll be fine," I whispered, although I didn't believe it for a second.

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"Emily, dinner!" I sighed. "I'm not hungry," I called back. I knew my mom would be mad, but I didn't care. I couldn't let her see me like this. I had yet another breakdown, the third one this week. I was leaning against the door, trying to stop crying. I desperately wished I could stop feeling so worthless. I considered asking one of my friends if they could come over, but I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I placed my hand on my chest, feeling my heart thump at an alarmingly fast rate. I took some deep, shaky breaths, but it didn't help.

I tried to think of something happy. But my mind kept drifting back to Hayden. Why wasn't he here when I needed him? Finally, I gave in and called Jasper. I wouldn't ask him to come over, I just needed to hear his voice. It was hard to believe we'd only been friends for a few months. He already knew so much about me, and I knew a lot about him. "What's up?" he asked. "Nothing, I just wanted to hear your voice." I heard him laugh his amazing laugh. I immediately started smiling. "Hey, want to hang out at the park for a few minutes?" he asked. "There's something I want to show you." "Sure, if my mom will let me. She's probably pissed I skipped dinner," I explained. As soon as we hung up, I told my mom I'd be back soon and ran out before she could object.

I headed to the park and found Jasper sitting on a bench. I stopped for a moment, just admiring him. But why? Wasn't I over my crush on him? And he had a girlfriend, and I was with Hayden. I shook my head to clear away the thoughts, but it didn't help. Questions still lingered in the back of my mind. I waved when he saw me and sat on the bench beside him. He gave me a hug, reminding me of how short I was. "Shut up," I laughed. "Nah." he smiled, and I found myself smiling back. Jasper always had contagious happiness. Just seeing his smile for a moment could brighten up my day.

"What'd you want to show me?" I asked. He pointed towards the sky. "That." I looked at the horizon, which was painted with pinks and oranges as the sun began to set. "It's beautiful." I murmured, half spacing out. "Like you?" he asked. I shook my head in denial. He did this to me a lot. Some may say he was flirting, but if you knew him well, you'd learn he's usually pretty flirty just because that's his nature. Whether he was flirting or not, I always denied it, but we both knew deep down I usually accepted it.

We sat for about an hour as the sky turned from pink to dark purple, dotted with silver. We talked about everything and nothing, never running out of things to say. That's what I loved about Jasper. We could sit with nothing but each other nearby and never get bored. Or at least most of the time that was true. At some point, we stopped talking and just hugged. Since he was taller than me, my head came up to his chest. I was mad about it because it meant he called me shortie, but also happy because it meant I could hear his heartbeat.

Ever since I was little, whenever I could hear someone else's heart beating, it calmed me down. I have no clue why it was such a huge comfort. It just was. Oddly, though, it freaked me out to hear my own. Like I was scared it would randomly stop. But it never did. It was always consistent, even if it seemed a little uneven to me. Jasper and a few others knew how heartbeats comforted me. So it probably didn't surprise him when I immediately relaxed when he hugged me.

I returned home at around 8 pm. Thankfully, my parents had gone out to get drunk, like they did most weekends, so I didn't have to deal with my mom yelling at me for being late. I stayed up for a few more hours, texting friends and watching YouTube. Around 10:30, I took my meds, as well as melatonin, and got ready for bed. But as usual, I didn't sleep well. And the only dreams I had were nightmares.

I looked around, not quite sure where I was. As my vision cleared, I could see a dark forest surrounding me on all sides. I heard whispering, but I didn't know where it was coming from. "I must be dreaming," I thought. But it felt so real. The voices suddenly became louder, although I still couldn't understand them. The darkness felt like it was consuming me. The only sound aside from the voices was my heart, pounding in my chest. I saw a figure coming towards me. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. I tried to run, but my legs were frozen. The last thing I saw was my reflection; my wide, terrified eyes, my tear streaked cheeks. Then, total darkness.

I woke up almost screaming. I could feel myself shaking, tears rolling down my cheeks. "It was just a dream," I whispered. The image of my terrified reflection still lingered in my mind. "It wasn't real." I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I picked up Teddy, a white bear with magenta hearts I'd had since childhood. "It was just a dream, right?" I asked. She gave no reply. Not that I expected her to give me one. I checked the clock beside my bed. 4:56AM. I could get up now, I decided. I wondered who would be up at this hour. "Probably no one," I muttered. I tried anyway, texting Jasper, Alexis, Wilson, and Justin. I got out of bed and immediately stopped. I felt a familiar pain near my waist, along with a certain wet feeling. "Great. No sleep and I start today?" I mumbled. My period was always on time. "Just fucking great," I sighed.

Once I'd taken care of that issue, I made a quick breakfast. I tried to be as quiet as possible, knowing everyone else was asleep. I checked my phone to see a text from Wilson. "What happened?" "Bad dream." I texted back. "Aw." I considered if I should tell him what it was about. I desperately wanted to, but I was scared. Opening up was never easy for me, even to Justin. I was always scared. Scared of rejection. Scared they'll all leave me. Scared to be seen as weak. Scared that if I open up to even one person, I'd be opening myself up to the world. I was afraid if I said what hurt me, I'd get hurt worse. So instead, I left him on read. It would eat away at me, what else could I do?

I just watched TV for a while, not having anything else to do. Around 6:30, I heard someone ring the doorbell. As soon as I opened the door, I was being picked up and hugged so tight I could barely breathe. I looked to see who had captured me. Jasper. Who else? I giggled as he kissed me on the cheek. "Since when are you up so early?" "Couldn't sleep." I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Me too," I said quietly. "You okay?" he asked. I shook my head. He sat down, placing me in his lap as if I were a child. "Nightmare?" I nodded. After I explained what had happened, he hugged me and promised it was only a dream. I couldn't imagine life without Jasper. "I love you," I mumbled into his shoulder, hugging him tighter. "I love you, too."