Trigger Warning

Chapter 4

Jasper and I hugged for a while. I lost track of time. I just wanted to stay in that moment forever, feeling safe and loved in his arms. But at some point, we had to let go. He had to get home, and I had things to do. It was always so hard for me to let go. To let go meant I would be vulnerable again. I would be back to my cold, dark mind. And I didn't want to go back yet. But I did. 

After Jasper left, I sat in bed with my notebook and a pen. Seemingly out of nowhere, I started to cry. With shaking hands and blurry vision, I poured out all my feelings on to the page. I don't know how long I was writing, or even what I wrote. At some point, I put the pen down and just held myself as sobs shook my body. I couldn't do anything but cry. But I was fine with that. I'd realized a while ago that sometimes, the best form of self-care is letting yourself be weak. Even if you hate it.

At some point, I must've fallen asleep, because I woke up around 6:30. I snuck into the kitchen to rub some ice on my eyes to lessen the puffiness. I snuck past my parents' room, as they were still sleeping. After taking care of the puffy eye issue, I sat outside with my notebook and a pen. I looked around, taking everything in: the trees swaying, the birds singing, the sun casting everything in soft, golden light. Then, I started to write. I watched as the ink bled from my pen to the paper, making swirls and loops and lines to form a sentence. When I finished, I didn't even look to see what I'd written. I simply shut the notebook and went inside.

When I came in, I immediately wished I had stayed outside. "I'm a horrible rotten mother!" screamed a familiar voice from the living room. I poked my head in to see Mom fighting with Steve. "I never fucking said that!" he yelled. I couldn't deal with this, not today. I snuck to my room and grabbed my phone, then quickly ran outside. "Of course today, out of all days." I muttered.

Not sure where else to go, I headed to the town library. I checked out a few books, including "School's Out - Forever" by James Patterson, one of my favorite authors. I sat outside on a bench and set my things down beside me. Just as I was about to start reading, I heard my phone go off with a small ding. Unlocking my phone, I saw it was a text from Hayden. "Finally," I muttered. I opened my phone to read the text. "Sorry, I was playing video games." I simply looked at the text, reading it over again twice. He'd been ignoring my texts for almost a month now, because he was playing video games? I understand taking a few minutes, sometimes almost an hour, but to completely ignore me for 3 weeks?

"It's fine," I wrote back, although nothing was fine. But I couldn't let him know that. He was my boyfriend. It was supposed to be us forever. Or that's what I had hoped. We'd been so close in the beginning, how did we drift so far apart? I sighed, opening a book and starting to read.

An hour passed before I went home. When I stepped inside, I immediately wished I had stayed at the library. It was quiet, except for some distant crying - most likely my mom in her room. I knew I should comfort her, but I didn't feel like facing anyone. So instead, I went to my room and locked the door.