Lotuslands All Die (A Collection)

And the Pills Whisk Me to Sleep

The doctor gave me some medication today.
He says it's going to make me feel better;
But what I have done is taken the whole bottle.
If these things are supposed to make me happy,
Why don't I commit mass cleansing of my own body?

I've missed you for the past couple months.
The days have grown longer, and my stomach--
Oh, my damned stomach--this feeling won't pass.
Forgive me, for you are watching this from above
In pure agony and pain and hurt. Forgive me.

I'm sorry for the smudges of tears on the paper;
If I am not careful, some could smudge and end up
On the sending address: "225 Heaven's Way."
This letter being forever lost in Heaven's mail
Would surely break my spirits.

I know you are in Heaven, my love.
The angels speak of it to me when he hits me.
Your spirit comforts me, and your heart--
It yearns for a real woman to hold.
You are not in Hell--you are a baby-blue angel.

If I die screaming, do not try to save me.
If I die from his hand, do not try and stop it.
If I die by God's will, do not try and plead with him
Screaming, "No, Father, this mustn't be the way!
My love is far too famished in her life to leave!"

And that moment, was it.
I take the final pill--I do swallow.
The roof of my mouth--sandpaper.
My soul shivering, knowing its ascent is near.
My feet tapping to an unknown rhythm of angel warriors marching.

Did I just see God's face? He is divine.
The stars embedded in my eyes twinkle with teardrops;
I am soon coming home.
Thank you, Father, thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to come home--to be with him.

Get ready, my love. My stomach is twisting.
My eyes are fogging up and my perception is acute.
As I lay on the floor, pen in hand, writing down my final moments,
I spy a man in the corner of my eye.
His eyes are a familiar shade of baby-blue.

Ivory skin laces around me in a heartwarming embrace.
"I've missed you. Time to go home. Follow me."
And as I make my descent into the eternal night,
Something catches me like a fish on a hook.
"Sunrise is coming, my darling! Sunrise afoot!"

I ignore his babbling and look downwards onto the carpet.
I see a young woman with bloodshot eyes...I see a man with her.
He is not hitting her, oddly enough, but he is caressing her.
He is holding the body of his ex-love, holding his deceased.
And those baby-blue eyes begin to cry.

"This is not how I wanted you to pass.
I wanted it peaceful--I wanted it soft.
Like a gentle roll of ocean currents,
I wanted it steady and smooth.
Your body before me is now mangled."

I speak back, "Do not worry, my love, my dear.
My body is only a vessel for what truly lies inside.
So, I see that Heaven really is a place!
Take me there at once!
Let me speak to the divine ruler of this universal despair!"

"Not yet, not yet!" he pleads, "But first you must pass.
Yes! Pass the test--the dreariest of tests!
It is a test of pure intelligence and self-strength!
It is a simple question that I may ask of you now."
He states, "Your newly-found soul, what does this represent?"

I laugh cunningly, teasing him in his silly child's play.
"Well, now I know there is a God! A great God indeed!
He is one I shall praise in the Heavens, forevermore!"
My confidence level boosted, I stand with hands on my hips.
My lips are puckered and self-esteem on high-end.

"Silly little girl!" he jokes. "You do not know
Who God really is! For me, it is a male, for you,
A female. But why is this, you ask? Something rather off?
No, it is simply the way physics work! You see,
Your God is your own strength, it is your own soul."

"Therefore, I am the creator of everything I see!
If I command despair and death, let there be it!
It is only when we ascend that we realize our true powers.
Do I understand now? Do I understand, my love?"
His eyes gaze my happy soul in all its might.

"Yes, yes! You understand fully!
But there is one more obstacle I have not foretold!
By some odd circumstance, by some glitch in the web of lies,
Sometimes God does not follow through!
Sometimes God sends sinners to Hell!"

I laugh in his face, laughing at his idiotic terminology.
Surely he must be out of his godforsaken mind!
"Now why would I send myself to eternal damnation?
It sounds like a bunch of trouble I do not wish to partake in!
Now, tell me, how is this very thing so?"

"When a God is responsible for their own death--
Suicide, guilt, fear, rampage, or even falling out of faith--
Their souls immediately detour from the Heavens,
Leaving them in Hell.
Away from everyone they love and cherish."

My knees buckle and my heart trembles in fear.
"No!" I shout, "No! You cannot do this to me!"
A feeling of ocean currents rises on my body, dragging me down.
"Please! Please, my love!" I scream into the night,
"Please save me! I have wronged my own soul and body!"

His whisper is soft, yet strong, like many angels.
His voice comforts me, yet strangles my emotions.
He says a quick and final line to me as my soul
Is being whisked away into the depths of Hell:
"You did this to yourself. I cannot go against your God."

And as my spirit is dragged downwards, spiraling,
I remember his soft echo of words.
His smile is demented and contorted into a demonic glare.
"Please, why have you forsaken me? Why, my love?"
I ask of him, the last words I ever breathe.

"For the longest time, I was your rock--your guide.
In this world, I cannot touch you without risking death.
My love, I only send you downwards because you must learn.
You must learn the greatest lesson of all mankind:
Knowing your self-strength."