Woah? You're back? Where have you been? It's been almost two years! Yes, yes, I know. It has been a great while, my friends. There are a lot of reasons I have not been active on here, why I unpublished everything and more or less quit using Wattpad so, I'm going to write this to tell you why. I'm opening up about a lot of things in this chapter so prepare yourselves.
Cringe When I say that I mean it seriously. This book specifically is possibly one of the most terrible, horrid things I've ever created but you guys seemed to enjoy it so I never tried to change anything. Yeah, I'm different now. Way different now. Currently, I actually try to be cool, I know I'm failing but at least I'm trying you know? I don't say "XD" anymore, I don't screech, I don't try to express my depression in quirky ways anymore (I'll talk about that too). I'm also just simply not as generally happy and optimistic as I used to be and it's sad to admit but it's true. Okay, really though, the reason I unpublished everything was primarily the amount of cringe I didn't want to live with or other people having access to. Some will say it wasn't that bad but trust me, it was. It was really bad. Everyone grows up and it's normal and you will hate what you did when you were a child and that's normal.
Time I'm not a middle schooler anymore meaning it was time to get down to business and quit goofing around because high school actually matters. These are pretty much the years that determine your future and it is super important. In high school, you can't just fail every test and decide to never turn in homework. I'm gonna just be honest, the middle school does not prepare you at all for high school. They really baby you in middle school, letting you get away with so much stuff. In middle school, I turned in nothing, and I mean nothing. I slacked super bad. Now, in high school that's a big no-no. Oh, you're missing one assignment? Your grade: plummets. I don't mean to stress anyone out but high school is so important and please take it seriously. So yes, with starting high school, I had just no time at all for any of this. I just didn't feel it was that important compared to some of the other things I had on my plate.
Art I just, I'm not looking to be a writer as much as I am an artist now. I don't know why. I just simply lost interest in updating books and wanted to focus on improving my art instead. That doesn't mean I don't like writing, no I absolutely love writing still. My teachers consider me one of the best writers in the grade and love to read my essays all the time. For my first English paper about things my teachers should really know about me, my teacher cried while reading it. I didn't know I could make people cry through my writing so I thought that was pretty rad. I took art 1 my first semester and my teacher was pretty amazed by my creativity and couldn't believe how well I could draw. I've been wanting to do something art related as a career since I was very young and I still do, so I think that's most likely what I'm going to be doing. Now, keep in mind, the last drawing you saw was probably in 2017 so if you're reading this and thinking of my art from 2017, I've improved a whole lot since then, and I mean a whole lot. I'll just put a picture in right here so you can see what my art is currently to help you better visualize and not feel like I'm talking so highly of myself, though I'm really not trying to.
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(I'm sorry the photo is so incredibly large, I can't change the size of it whoops.)
Mental Health I really hate talking about my mental health. I first off want to say that I do not want any pity from anyone at all because that's the thing I hate most. Everyone needs to start realizing that pity does nothing and support does everything but anyways, here we go. Opening up about this for once and for real. So around the time I disappeared, I was actually seeing several doctors to get a proper diagnosis. I did end up getting diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression which did not come as a surprise to my family, or myself. Before I got treated it was getting really bad. It got so bad to the point where my mom had just pulled me out of school for the rest of the year and decided to try and get me the help I needed first because she literally thought... that I was going to commit suicide... if I didn't get help sooner. I felt so mentally awful almost every day that I just shut people out completely. I wouldn't go on social media, reply to texts, or even leave my room for weeks, even months at a time and it was getting genuinely scary. I was scaring myself. After trying counseling a few times we decided alright, enough screwing around its time to bring out the big boys and start taking antidepressants. Honestly, they do help so much. It's not completely better, it never will be, but it helps and I'm so thankful for that. I'm still getting treated of course and there are a lot of things such as moving and meeting my new friends that have genuinely helped so much and things are getting a lot better. I do still struggle a lot but not nearly as bad as I used to. Overall, yeah that was a big reason I quit everything. I just couldn't mentally handle anything besides taking care of myself and I'm glad I did. Always make sure to put your mental health first. It is so so important and I cannot stress that enough. If anyone is struggling and just has a hard time opening up about it or accepting it, that's fine. It's normal. Just know that there will always be people out there willing to support you and help you and you might have just not found them yet but trust me, they are there and once you find them, they always will be.
Well, that was way longer than I had intended it to be. I hope at least one person can benefit from any of this. I also hope this sort of clears things up quite a bit. Well, take care of yourselves and maybe we'll see about another chapter after this but otherwise, have a good day. (It's 2:24 am right now omg)
