To Remember, or to Forget

CHAPTER FOUR

Pictures. They hold a memory. A still fragment that can't ever be rehearsed perfectly again. A frozen piece of a millisecond in time. Sometimes I wished I took more pictures. I wish I took pictures with my mom, I can't believe she's gone, can't believe she won't ever come back and I don't remember a single thing about saying goodbye. It hurts. The life I have now is so different compared to the one I remember. I'm sitting in class, drifting into my thoughts rather than focusing on the lesson. Chris is sitting across from me and his sudden movement drives me to look in his direction. He is facing me now. Diving in his features, I'm reminded by the time in the hospital, to the car accident. I remember. I quickly shift my head and he makes a confused expression. I was angry, I remember. Chris was calling my phone but I didn't answer. It was raining. The sky was dark and filled with clouds that shut the light out. Looking back down at my phone and perhaps a millisecond later, a loud honk drilled my ears. There was only light from the car and then there was darkness. I remember.

"Telayha" Chris whispers.

I look at him with a pained expression. What did he do?

"I need to talk to you after school"

"I have practice"

We both agreed to talk after practice but the problem is, I don't know what I'm going to say. I'm afraid to know what the truth really is.

* * *

The bleachers are empty, so I sit in the middle. The sun shines bright into my eyes while the wind swiftly brushes my hair. The coach is screaming words I can't figure out. They all move into position. I scan their faces. Number fourteen is Chris. He looks at me and nods his head, I smile. I'm focused watching them practice but distracted when I hear footsteps on the bleachers. I look up, squinting because of the bright sunlight. It's "hottie" as Alexandra likes to refer to him, while I can't remember his name and I hate it.

"Watching Chris play?" he asks and sits down.

"Yeah, I needed to talk to him about something" I say but there's silence. "What brings you here?"

"I'm on the team, but my ankle is sprained" he says and shows me his ankle. I show pain in my face.

"Ouch. I'm sorry"

He's looking at the field. I'm looking at him. I've realized I never seen him smile. His hair is light brown and so are his eyes. He doesn't say anything. He's quiet. He's built up and hard to open. Aren't we friends?, I say in my head, I tell myself to say something. Then for a sudden moment, I want to tell him the truth, that I don't really remember him. I feel guilty, isn't what I did lying? If we are friends, I should ask for his name. This is going to be awkward, I tell myself. And so I vomit out the words.

"Look I know it's crazy but I legit forgot a whole part of my life and I hate that I don't remember how we became friends, let alone remember your name" I slow down and breathe. "It's hard, not knowing anything that happened the last couple years" I finally look up to see his reaction. But he's just looking at me. Looking at me like I'm crazy.

"You, my friend, need to stop worrying so much" he says and looks away. Not so much of something I was expecting

I bring my hands to my face and hide the humiliation. I mumble through my hands.

"Oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassing"

I feel his hand rest on my back. It's minor. It's insignificant, but it feels nice. It feels like everything. I like his touch.

"It's okay. I was just kind of surprised when you said hi"

I look back up at him but his hand is no longer on my back. His expression changes. He looks down and almost hesitates to say something.

"There's something..." but he's interrupted by Chris.

"Telayha!" Chris yells.

He's done practice but yet I wish it was longer. I look at him, remembering I don't actually know his name.

"I'm sorry" I blurt out.

"It's okay"

"Your name? Before I go?" I'm already standing up.

"Noah, you?", now he's standing up.

Chris is already at the bottom of the bleachers. I look back up.

"I'll see you around?"

"I'll see you around" he says.

I walk back down to Chris, while thinking of Noah. Noah's name. Noah's brown eyes. Noah's long eyelashes. Noah's tall posture‍. Noah walking away in the distance. But I look back and see Chris.

Chris sits, so do I. My body is all of a sudden tense. I'm no longer comfortable. His face, he seems upset. I look down so I don't have to face him. He comes closer. He sets his hand on my shoulder. His touch is nothing, nothing after I remembered how angry I was at him, even if I don't remember the reason why.

"What is wrong Telayha?"

"I remember" I look at him, so his reaction can tell me everything. His hand drops from my shoulder.

"What do you remember?"

"I remember things that happened before the accident" I pause. "You told me that it was nothing"

"I'm sorry, I just thought I lost you. I didn't want to lose you. You didn't even remember me. What exactly did you remember from the accident?"

"I know what happened" I say, even though I actually don't. I want him to tell me what really happened because if I tried any other way, I would find nothing.

He frowns. He exhales deeply and holds the back of his neck. His head is inclined into the sky and there I know, he's deep in his thoughts. This is serious.

"Telayha, you don't understand. It was nothing more, I swear. I just don't know what I was doing and things just got heated" he's rambling, he's nervous. "Things were in the moment. I don't love her the way I love you Telayha"

"Her" I say, trying to think of who it could be.

"I thought this was our chance to start over" he grabs my hands and holds them between us. "I want this to work Telayha, forgive me"

I have no emotion, only because I feel nothing towards him. This is not the man I want to be with. Why would he hide this from me? Why didn't he just tell me at the hospital? I ask myself and not aloud because he doesn't deserve to explain himself. I pull away from his hands.

"Let me talk to her" I say.

"What?"

"Call her for me, I'll meet up with her after"

I know he doesn't want too because I know he cares for her and doesn't wanna see her hurt. He just wants my forgiveness, but the truth is, he wants her. It kind of pains me to see that, to see that i'm so vulnerable. This whole time, I looked so stupid. I was just some girl that lost her memory and tumbled into a cheating boyfriend, but with who, I don't even know myself. He hesitates but he pulls out his phone anyways, it starts ringing. The name is Alexandra. My heart drops and I quickly click the end button.

"I'm not ready" I blurt out. I need to keep the same energy. I have to act like I knew this whole time but this just hit me like two greyhound buses. "I need some space, some time. Something" I say before he could even respond, I stand up.

"I'm sorry Telayha" but I'm already walking away and tears are burning my eyes. I wipe them away, not allowing anymore to fall.

Alexandra has been my friend for as long as I could remember. Why did she talk to me like nothing was wrong? Did she not feel guilt? I'm bounced back and forth from these questions I probably will never have the answer to but I ask myself anyway. I ask myself about the scenarios and thoughts that raced through her mind when she did that, I ask if I hold value, the truth and the intentions behind her actions, I ask so many questions but tears roll down the cheeks of my face twice as much.