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I love you

when was the first time neil or andrew told the other they loved them

I was a little leery of answering this question because someone already wrote a ficlet about this, but.

The answer no one wanted:

they don't

"I love you" is a foreign phrase to them, a sentiment they've heard expressed by those around them but which has never been used on them or by them. Not by Neil's mother, not by Cass. Neil's mother wasn't that type and Cass thought she was respecting her unruly foster child's needs by steering clear of a line that demanded a response.

I love you is background noise in their lives: a failed attempt to translate too many emotions into a spoken phrase, a Valentine's gimmick, a Hallmark card.

Not to say that they don't love each other–because they do, and they know this eventually, and they will have problems now and again but they will never ever leave each other because they are nothing without each other.

Their I love you is in their kisses, in Andrew's trust the first time he lets Neil push him down, in Andrew & Neil playing together until they're old enough to retire and then staying together because Exy isn't the glue between them after all. It's in the keys to their apartment in Colorado, the car with both names on it, the cats they get from the shelter.

((I've had more than one person picture them as dog people, and while dogs seem an interesting match with their loyalty and excitement and unconditional love, cats have always seemed more appropriate–Neil and Andrew are in and out all the time with their teams, so they'd be constantly having someone else check on a dog. Cats are more independent, capable of surviving alone with enough food and clean litter but willing to curl up in a lap the second an owner gets comfortable. But that's just me, because I am admittedly a cat person, and I can see it working either way. Maybe when they retire and have more time at home they can have a dog, and Andrew will take it on long walks and smoke early in the morning, and they'll both walk it at night and look at the shops around their home, learning their city alley by alley inside and out))

((I need an I DIGRESS emoji))

There are moments when Neil could have said it, but these moments would have destroyed the intention behind such words — Aaron's trial, when Andrew has to tell a courtroom what Drake did to him and look Cass in the face for the first time in years; the hospital waiting room when Betsy had her "heart attack" and Andrew learned what helplessness feels like; the long-awaited and drawn-out trial for Nathan Wesninski's circle; the first time they realize the apartment they're standing in is theirs and theirs alone; the time their team beats Kevin Day's; the time the US Court wins the gold medal and they are all world champions.

I love you could have been appropriate to anyone else here, but would have read as a throwaway line to them, an insincere but obligatory response to an emotional moment.

Their I love you is in their Stay, in their Don't Go, in their Welcome Home, in fingers hooked in belt loops and lingering looks across a room, and they wouldn't have it any other way.