ring pops and cigs

13

the mist of the earth carried itself downwards to fountain a stream of cerulean; the river is always more quiet at night. the moonlight rushed through the meadows, and peeled through the branches of the looming willow tree.

our hiding place. this is our hiding place.

i could never handle much alcohol, he knew that, so i sat, drinking coke as kaleb guzzled down vodka like water. sometimes i'm envious. i wish i could drink like that, but one glass of wine has me a giggling mess. (we found that out at his communion; he had to lock me in his room so i wouldn't hit on the pastor again.) so we sat; both drunk on different things.

we didn't usually talk when we were like this. we were too afraid of what words would come out when we're vulnerable. i was too afraid of what words would be exposed. so i clamped my mouth shut, sewing it tightly together. somehow, i find myself gaping at the scenery anyways, murmuring in awe of the almost fantastical nature.

in the darkness, i see the stars that would soon be covered up by water vaporized by the sun's heat-who traveled all the way to the sky just to see the sun from a better angle. i admired all the clouds (water vapors) and the dark canvas of the sky, and the moonlit grass, and i try not to look at him.

i fail, and our eyes meet. judging by his gaze, he'd been staring for a while. my heart rate picks up. i silently curse at it.

a sheen that look all too much like constellation glimmer in his eyes, and i force myself to remember that those are not stars-simply dirty diamonds.

i had zoned out, and now he's touching the crease of my forehead. "why the heavy brow?"

"i think the chlorine got to my brain." i admit, a sheepish chuckle bubbling out of my throat awkwardly. i stare at my hands.

i felt him stiffen from the mere mention of the pool. stupidstupidstupid. my heart weighs more, and it sinks to my stomach. why'd i have to mention that?

and then he laughs. no-it's more than that-he's cackling. my eyes drag upwards to meet a boy i hadn't seen in a long time. his head was craned upwards, adam's apple jutting out as his mouth was opened like the red sea and a laugh bubbled out like thieves running away from the cops. it was the same laugh he would laugh when i struggled to play mario kart on his new wii u. it was the same laugh from when i would throw a pillow at him for being stupid all those nights we would stay up for a disney binge.

why does it only come out when you're drunk?

i didn't notice he stood up until i saw his hand outstretched to me. i glance at it questioningly, and he simply smiles, waggling his fingers before i take the hint and use him to pull myself up."let's swim." he says it like a suggestion, but i know he's going to make me swim whether i want to or not.

i raise an eyebrow, only to hear his persuasions all over again.

"you're drunk, and i'm not too good of a swimmer. you saw that. if something happens, i don't know if i can pull you out-"

"you think too much." his finger was smushed onto my lips, and i almost start smiling. in his delirious state, his cheeks were tinted rose gold and in this light his skin looked ethereal. i wonder what he thought of me.

"love, it looks like you need to..." his eyes glimmer with an emotion i can't place until his lips light up with that smile. the tilt of his lips that is so devious but so childlike as well. "chill out."

before i know it, i'm lugged over his shoulder. i screech in protest, but i can't deny how hard i'm laughing before i'm dumped into the lake in a loud splash!

i nearly choke, and when i resurface, i'm sputtering, spitting out water and gasping for air all at once. between all that, though, i'm laughing. i'm laughing like i haven't laughed in years-and it felt like i haven't.

i go underwater, using the water to slick my hair back as i come up. i don't think it works correctly, as kaleb snorted at the sight of me. i splash him for his unwelcome mockery, and he splashes me for my lack of humor. we continue splashing eachother, until he wades closer.

"your hair is such a fucking mess." his tone was lower than a whisper, but i never heard it this silky before. usually it's gravelly and hoarse from the packs he smokes in secrecy, weighed down with the proposition of sleep that he never allowed himself to take up. ( sleep is for the weak, apparently. )

his hands smooth over my hair, trying to get it to comply, but my hair was a part of me; and i was never good at that.

he's suddenly stiffening. it's as if he suddenly realized something. then i saw the beauty spot under his cheekbone. fuck. i'm immobile, my legs stop treading and i don't know if i'd rather drown or be here.

he's leaning closer. kaleb's leaning closer and i have no idea what to do. i remember him in sixth grade-braces and acne and the most innocent smile. i then remember how, just earlier, he guzzled down alcohol like it's the only thing keeping him alive. ( sometimes, i even believe it is. )

i'm trying to absorb all i can in this moment. because in this moment he's with me. and in this moment, he likes me. and in this moment, he's looking at me, and only me. in this moment, all the katrina's and malaika's, and alexis' don't matter because he's looking at me a way he never looks at others.

his hand darts out, and a thick tendril of my baby hair's peeking out is curled around his index finger. he lets it go, and admired the perfect curl bobbing. his slender finger then turns its attention to my jaw, tracing it with such delicacy that i'm surprised. his fingers then trace over my lips, which is soft overall, but calloused from the gnawing and biting that seemed to always occur when i'm with him. he traces it a few times, before his lips meet my cheek. then it's my nose, and then my eye bags. he's dragging his lips over every crevice of my features and fuck.

loving him feels like the sun is going to escape me.

it starts in my chest, a glow that seeps it's way to the tips of my toes and spirals to interlocks brain with bliss-

until i feel his hand start to roam my waistband.

the sun has been replaced, and i push him away.

"i'm not down for that." i state blandly, all the red that had surfaced in my cheeks draining at the realization that kaleb didn't know how to love.

as i step out of the lake, the organ pounding in my chest turning into a metal ball that nestled in my stomach, i turn back to see kaleb staring pitifully at his hands; he collected water in his hands and watched it seep through his fingers.

i close my eyes to regain my composure, before realizing all my cigs-which were safely placed in my pocket, are drenched.

a sigh rips out of my throat and it hurts because it's aching so bad. too bad. goosebumps travel up my arms and i start to walk.

a heavy jacket is placed over my shoulders, i glance down and i see bloody feet. i look up, he smiles, and i sigh.

time to continue the cycle.