Gringsnaket the Sorcerer

2 Politics Sucks

Gringsnaket stopped Panko when he saw what must have been village lights in the distance. At this point, they were out of the forest and they had journeyed a little ways across the endless fields of emerald green. And now, at long last, it seemed they had found what they were looking for: a village.

By the looks of it, it was just a small fishing village, Gringy figured they used the creeks from the north. But as they grew closer to the village, they noticed something peculiar. All of the houses were made of what appeared to be giant turtle shells.

They continued along until they were walking into the village, and when they did, the villagers began to give them funny looks. This was understandable, as Gringy was a half troll and Panko was an Araani.

The villagers appeared to be Earthen, and I mean if you saw a half troll and an Araani for the first time you'd probably react the same way! Even still, the Eartheners of this village, much like all other Eartheners valued hospitality, and insisted the two adventurers stay the night. They were introduced to the village leader, who's name was Ralph.

"Greetings adventurers! We welcome you to our town. Where are you from?"

Panko started to respond with honesty but was cut off by Gringy. "We come from the fore-"

"WE hail from a land far greater and richer than this! And we expect to be treated as one should such nable people. If we do not obtain this treatment we shall smite your village and all the people in it." Gringsnaket said, with a rather concerning tone of candidness in his voice. Of course, the village leader was more wise and intelligent than Panko, and likely more so than Gringsnaket, and he would not fall for Gringy's foolish bluff.

"I will not fall for your foolish bluff, half troll. I know a failed sorcerer when I see one. My name is Ralph, and I have lead this village for thirty-nine years and one hundred and ninety-nine days."

"One hundred and ninety-nine days!" exclaimed Gringy. This was one day short of a planetary orbit. Ralph seemed to know this, based off his next statement.

"Yes, I know. Tomorrow marks the fortieth year since my father died defending that very rock o'er yonder behind you." Gringy and Panko looked behind them. There, as promised, was a big rock, o'er yonder behind them. "My father fought valiantly, but met his doom. In his dying breath, he made me the village leader."

Gringy turned back around, looking at Ralph, whose gaze was still upon the rock. He heard sniffles behind him. He looked over at Panko and found that this was where the sniffles were coming from. They very quickly turned to sobs.

"THAT'S SO SAAAAAD!!!!!" Yelled Panko, and he pulled out a handkerchief from his breast pocket, which was literally on his breast, he didn't even have a shirt, just a pair of red pants.

"How did he die?" Asked Gringsnaket softly, a little sad himself.

"Extreme constipation," Ralph explained. "Gave him severe stomach and abdominal pain, that night the dragon hunting clan from the west, the Sher'Abel clan came to our village looking for alcoholic beverages. Well, they didn't find them, at the time our village was dry. But my father fought one of their dragons on that rock, the king dragon, and... well when ya gotta go, ya gotta go, and it just, it didn't work out for him."

"Out of curiosity, Tom-" Gringy started.

"My name is Ralph"

"Right, out of curiosity, do you support dry villages?"

"Well, I typically try to keep my religious beliefs out of my politics, so I'd rather not say," said Ralph.

"Wow! You mean to tell me that you actually keep your personal beliefs out of your job, and yet still you're a successful politician! Dictatorships must be amazing!"

"I guess so, if you agree with everything I agree with and do everything I say and you're okay with being surveilled at all times," Ralph replied.

An awkward silence draped over the room as a rather cringy political statement had been brought into a silly, feel-good action adventure story. When all characters in the room had learned their lesson, the awkward silence was lifted. Politics sucks.

The two heroes were given-

Wait are they really heroes yet?

The two "heroes" (there that's better) were given some food and water, as well as rooms to stay in for the night, and so they put their things into a small pile and fell asleep. Having been a rather taxing day, they fell asleep quickly.

Hours later, Gringy woke up with a start, hearing something from outside his turtle shell. He stood up and walked outside to see what it was. When he got a good look at it, his jaw dropped. A dragon, what must've been fifteen meters long, stood outside in the village. The dragon took a huge breath and exhaled piercing shards of ice. Suddenly, Ralph, the village leader tore outside, in full battle gear. He unsheathed an incredibly large shortsword and sprinted towards the dragon. In one swipe, he swung his weapon down at the dragon, which unfortunately bounced off of its body, as it was also well equipped with a layer of armor around its back. However, the dragon noticed that it was being attacked, and began to bat its wings, hovering in the air and turning around. Looking at Ralph, it roared a mighty roar and took off in flight, swinging its tail. Even more unfortunately for Ralph, the long spikes of its tail hit him, knocking him up and over onto the father his rock died on.

HAHA I mean, the rock his FATHER died on. Could you imagine! The father his rock died on... oh..... Good stuff.....

Anyway, there laid Ralph on his father's death place, many villagers running up to him. Gringy tore off to see Ralph's condition. He of course had to shove a few people out of his way to get there.

"Outta the way! Make way!" he shouted. Eventually, he got to Ralph.

The damage was pretty bad, it was clear that Ralph was not going to make it through the night. He needed to choose a successor. Gringy sat next to the fallen leader.

"Ralph," said one of his advisors. "The time has come for you to make a decision on who shall lead our people. You have no offspring, due to your fear of passing on a constipation gene. Who shall you choose? What name do the winds call out to you! What sound does fate doth make! What bell toll the next chapt-"

"Shut up. Just shut up," said Ralph. "The winds speak no defininite name, but this I think I understand. I know who is to be the leader." He coughed a deep cough. If that makes sense. "The spirits tell me that he who slays my slayer shall be the leader of this village." He closed his eyes. Just then, a spirit healer walked up.

"Ah, I have seen no worse condition than this. Except my husband when his sports team's lost, am I right ladies?"

Ralph opened his eyes. "Oh no, you did not page for the homosexual ole one, did you?"

"Yassss it's me gorrrrrl," said the gay ole spirit healer. "Alright, ummm well first he needs to get off that rock because a wound like that does not to be around all that dirt and grime." A noticeable number of women came forward. They begun to exchange looks and give nods toward the gay ole spirit healer. For convenience's sake he shall now be known as the GOSH.

The GOSH waved his fingers, and a yellow liquid materialized on the surface of Ralph's armor. "Yassss well, ya know, ya do the best ya can with men, can I get an Amen from the crowd?" More women more nodding, this time there were more intense nods, nods of almost a full meter. I mean these women were serious.

"Alright ladies, let's get this get up on a stretcher and bring him to the throne shell." And several ladies from the crowd, still nodding and agreeing with each other, took a stretcher, put Ralph on to it and carried him back to the throne shell.

When the Gosh left, there was only Gringsnaket, and when he turned around, he found Panko staring at the spot where the village leader and been slayed.

"What do we do now?" asked Panko.

Gringsnaket thought a minute, and then spoke. "Wait here." he said. Panko did as he was told. And a moment later, Gringy was back, this time with two massive royal blue choppers.

"Take one, and follow me."