Life, Suicide, and Finding Heaven

Small Steps

Delilah sat at the foot of her bed, her ipod's volume turned all the way up. Her music was lifting, floating through the air, silencing her mothers and fathers screams

of frustration. She sat quietly as he took in the situation. She felt like she had nothing left and was growing tired.

She threw her hands aimlessly up in the air and sighed. Delilah slumped down on her bed and willed the tears not to fall. Then suddenly, like a damn breaking, they started to fall, and drip down her crimson cheeks and stain her bedspread and pillow.

She laid in bed for what seemed like hours sobbing, holding onto the corner of her bedspread in a strong hold as if she was afraid it would escape and leave her like she was afraid her father would do.

She wished Charlie were alive, she wished he was here in her room lying beside her. She wished that he could hold her in a strong embrace and sooth her until the tears no longer stung. She eventually closed her eyes and to much prevail fell asleep.

I glanced around the room as I held onto the wall for support. Max just told me news that I did not want to hear. "Charlie, today, we are going make your first amend, it's going to be really tough, that's why I asked Ryan to come with us. Is that all right?"

I almost fell over, "W-what are we doing?" I stammered as Max coughed. "Your funeral." He said very calmly, unlike me, who, if I could, would be wetting my pants in fear. Max took my hand and held it in his for a moment before dropping it. "Please, it will help you get into heaven, you have to see how many people you hurt and how many people loved you, still love you Charlie..."

I had a look of shock on my face, my father, he would be there surely and I just couldn't bare to look at his face. "No, I can't I'm not ready, please Max get the old man and tell him I guess I won't be able to cross over." Max looked taken aback as he looked me in the eyes and sincerely said, "You don't want to do that, please just think of your mom, she is waiting for you as well as Matt." I flopped down on the ground and groaned.

"You can't be serious, aww-well-hell let's go and get this over with." I said as Max smiled and took my hand in his as all three of us drifted downwards.

Deliliah glanced around at her surroundings as she looked for her phone. She could hear it beeping but could not locate it. She tore her bedspread apart, pillows flying everywhere and the bedspread littered on the floor. She finally found it in her jeans pocket in the hamper. "Thank god, I found it before I put it in the wash." She said as she flipped it open. "Hello?" She said unsure of who could be calling, as she did not have caller ID. "It's Max, I know it's sudden and don't ask how I got this number and able to call you, but, you need to be at Willburough church around twelve today. Charlie is having his funeral. I know your unsure of going but, we need you to help him make amends, can you do that?"

Delilah sighed and replied. "Sure let me get dressed and I will be over Max." She grabbed her black sundress and stuck a pair of diamond studs in her ears. A quick comb through of her hair and some silver flats and She was ready to go.

Delilah started up her red sedan and drove to the church.

We were brought up into my own house where my father was getting dressed. It felt weird seeing my father and he wasn't able to see me. The home was littered with cans with different names like Coors Light and Miller Light. I recognized them as beer cans, he had started drinking again. All these years of being sober went to waste. He flicked open a lid to one of the cans and took a big swig before banging it on the counter, causing liquid to swish out onto the table.

He slipped on his jacket as he grabbed the can and left the room. I almost fell over as I saw the hurt look stricken on his ashen face. I involuntarily let out a sob as I fell down. "Why, why the hell did I do this Max, why!" I said as he comforted me. Ryan helped me up as we were transported into the church.

The room was void of people, the funeral must not be starting yet. I glanced around and saw a large black casket being wheeled in by two men. They placed it on the front of the stage and began to open the lid. It was all to much for me, I fell down and rubbed my hands through my hair. "Jeez, Max you gotta help me, I can't I-" He smiled at me. "You are not going through this alone, I called Delilah and she's coming."

If I could I would have punched him. "Why the hell are you bringing her here? You damn well know it would break her, she will go insane if she see's my body." Ryan inturrupted me and stated. "Well, for starters she's see's ghost or shall I say souls and you don't think that won't make someone insane?"

I had to agree with the guy he was right, but, right at that moment Delilah burst through the doors and walked towards us. The men began to rush towards her but she ignored them. "Miss, please wait, the funeral is not ready, it's in half an hour." She sat down in one of the pews and pulled out her phone. She placed it against her ear and began talking. "Charlie, is everything alright?" She said as gave him a reassuring smile.

"Yes, well ah- I don't want to look at that thing over there." I pointed at the black casket. "I guess this is one step to making it into heaven, realising what you did to yourself, seeing your body, beleiving that you are dead," She gestured to Max. He nodded and they all made their way to the casket. I was more worried about Delilah than myself at that moment. I willed myself to be strong for her.

The casket was inching forwards as I glanced around at my group. I was afraid that I would see maggots and bugs crawling around my skin. Would my eyes be open or closed? I shook all the creepy thoughts from my mind and finally took a glance at myself.

I was wearing a dark tuxedo with a red rose corsage in my pocket. My hands were crossed on my chest. I willed for myself to utter one last breath. I kept staring at my chest, trying to see if it would rise and fall.

My eyes, they were closed. It felt so surreal seeing your dead body, right in front of your eyes. I glanced around at Delilah and saw that she had tears in her eyes. "Don't cry, please, I'm not gone, look, aw hell, I wish I could embrace you, but you see-" I gestured at my body and she smiled at me.

Wait how could I see my body if- well I was obliterated in front of an oncoming train? The scene was dissipating and dissolving before my eyes, I then awoke with a start.