Phosphenes

One

"Just give me back my pieces and let me hold my broken parts"

My notification was blowing up. As much as I wanted to forbid the fans to not do what they are doing, I decided not to act on it. Hey, they are all grown-ups. And as if I can control them. But sometimes I hope they realized the effects it brought about to me, to him, to our families, to our friends, my friends, his friends and everyone they been tagging to whatever they feel like just to get a reaction from us. How could you blame them? They surely just wanted signs that we are indeed becoming real. Hayyy people! If you only knew! If there's one person in this universe who would want to know exactly what we are? Definitely me!!! Taas kamay at paa pa.

But for now, looks like I have a bigger crisis at hand. All I really wanted was to stop these endless taggings and mentionings. They aren't helping to this chaos inside my heart and my mind. Nastress ako for every name of my friends that I kept seeing in the comment section.

Please stop dragging them into this.

Please stop shipping me with every friend whose only mistake is leaving a comment to my post.

Please stop mentioning him to every little thing that you think he needs to know.

Fans even came up with a hashtag which I thought funny at first. But I've been seeing a lot whose becoming out of hand. Some were funny but there were a few cringe-worthy. In a sea of good people, palagi talagang may naliligaw.

I need to take things into my own hand. I need to intervene. A part of my brain is suggesting on doing just that.

But a part is saying that I should just ignore them. Lalaki lang ang issue.

I ended up ignoring it. Baka instead of pacifying them, I might just give them another issue to feast on. Let the issue die down by itself. Mapapagod this sila.

I was jolted back to reality when my screen changed signaling of an incoming call.. Cel. Thank God for good friends who constantly check up on you every f***ing time.

"Hey", I greeted her a little more enthusiastically than my normal state of the moment.

"Hey to you, too. What's keepin' you busy except stalking?"

I rolled my eyes even though she couldn't see me. She knew me too well.

"I am not stalking. Just.. checking what's in it this time."

"Same difference. Just let it go Bey. He's probably a little choked on the attention. You see every move, may comment sa kanya mga tao. Kung ako nga natotorete sa dami ng mentions every day. Pano pa sya? Ikaw din di ba?"

"You know I think I shouldn't have dragged his name during the interview. Parang ang gulo lalo after."

"Ano ka ba? Kung hindi mo sya namention, you think ba hindi sya mabrought up? That's so impossible. You're yin, he's your yang. He's like your Romeo. Hindi mabubuo ang lovestory ni Juliet."

"Grabe ka!! Kelangan talaga sa tragedy kami icompare?"

"Hay naku!! I know you get what I mean. Don't be too hard on yourself. Things happen cause.. they're bound to happen."

"What about those life-is-about-choices-and-the-decisions-we-make boo-boos?"

"I know! I know! But still BFFL whatever choices you made in your life, you're ought to learn something from it. Like in your game. You lost in all your games versus La Salle pero who knows? Baka naging complacent kayo if you've won.. like you'll have this thinking na we can beat La Salle, we can beat everyone so bahala na sa hindi malalakas na team. You lost in Game 1 sa semifinals but that made you only more eager to win the game di ba? Mas natest kayo, mas tumapang. And that series of losses made you more resilient than UST. When you were behind, it only made you more solid. Look at UST, nung nakalamang kayo madali nasira composure nila. Lessons. See?" she laughed after her long speech.

I believed her. I actually knew that already. Pero pag nasasaktan ka, you tend to forget everything. I actually don't know what to feel.

Nasasaktan ba ako? Kasi after everything I said on national tv, he didn't say anything. Actually he did. He did that "stupid" pa reaction ig story. And after that? Nada!!

Or must be my pride. He never attempted to talk to me about it. Parang wala lang sa kanya. It didn't help yun mga nababasa ko online as if ako na daw nagparamdam pero wala pa rin. At first deadma lang ako. But as each day went on, I started to believe it.. like I already offered myself to him and yet, he refused me. Ouch!

Self-doubt. Am I not pretty enough for his liking? I know naman na he used to like me a lot back in high school. But probably nag upgrade na rin ang taste niya.

I really need distraction. I don't like where my thoughts are going. So as soon as guestings for the championship were done, I grabbed every opportunity of a getaway that I could get so I wouldn't have to think of our, or should I say my situation?