papercut love ➤ wolfstar au

28 ➤ like tears in the rain, it means nothing...

i don't have excuses for not posting for so long. i don't know if you remember but i mentioned i have mental health issues and just a few weeks ago, i had a suicide attempt, and went through some stuff with my family, school, etc. i apologize, i promise i will start writing more once i pass the exams, and try to balance these things.

   Sometimes, life doesn't go your way. Sometimes, there's rain and it gets the clothes you just hung outside wet. Sometimes, it's too hot outside and your cheeks and shoulders get red.

   Sometimes, it isn't beautiful.

   Sometimes it's about the songs you hate because you've heard them too many times on your way too school, or it's about the colors you absolutely hate because they remind you of puke. Sometimes you're stuck in traffic, or the bus you've taken is very crowded, or your high-school teacher says you disappointed them.

   Sometimes it's painful, and you can't do anything about it, except try and work harder, be better, get stronger. Otherwise, if you just stand and don't do anything about it and you just cry it out, no good results are going to come out of that.

   There are times your parents tell you they have no more faith in you, and they tell you you've reached a limit they never expected you to even hear, or think about.

   But Remus hasn't learned that yet.

   Because it's the first month of summer, and he's still crying in the corner of his bed, not going to school, and apologizing through the phone to Mrs. Shirley for not being able to work. Sirius and the others decided not to visit for a couple of weeks, knowing all Remus needs right now if to be left alone and grief- After all, his mother died and he almost wasn't even there.

   Remus doesn't blame himself. It's not like in the movies, when someone dies and the main characters thinks it's their fault, but that's the idea. Remus doesn't blame himself so all the anger and pain he's feeling, is all thrown at the world.

   He's not mad, he just knows this was supposed to happen and there's nothing he can do about it. He knows his mother's sickness would've gotten worse and he's mad about it. He's mad at... Whoever is up there in the sky and rules this world. He's mad about things having had to go this way, he's mad about him not being in his mother's place.

   But then he forgets to breathe, again.

   And then he has no idea what you're supposed to do when you forget how to breathe.

   A few weeks have passed, Lyall started working a part-time job beside his full-time one, and he's almost never home, only a few nights a week, when he feels like his son is losing his head. 

   Sirius, Peter, James and Lily know it's something you can't just move on or get over from, that's why they decided not to call him, go to his place, and just let him grieve for a while, for it's a very confusing and foggy journey for only a 17 year old.

   But still, Sirius has been doing something very helpful, something that Remus didn't think would mean so much, and help so good.

   He's been sending letters daily, and they're the same every day. 

   Dear Remus, today is the third day of summer and I saw a movie at the cinema that reminded me of us. Today's song is I'll be good by Jaymes Young.

   Sirius keeps sending him songs, and in each one of them Remus can find himself. In every letter of Sirius', he tells Remus what he did that day, and what he wanted to do in reality. What dreams he had, what movies he saw, what new song he heard on the radio. And that's probably the only thing that's been helping Remus feel a little better.