MAJESTICALLY AWKWARD

Have You Ever?

   Have you ever wonder what to do with your life? Have you ever looked at your friends and some family members and not help but be a little jealous that you are not as successful or as motivated as them? Sometimes living life seems like the hardest thing to ever do because you're not quite sure on how exactly you want to live yours. Well trust me you are not alone.

  Sigh, where do I start? Let's try the 7th grade.

  I think age 12 was the awakening of anxiety, low self esteem and just a whole bucket of confusion for me. I can think of so many times I've second guessed, doubted, and put myself down at that age that it would be way easier for me to say the times that I've felt confidence and complete self satisfaction.. NONE.. ZERO... NADA.. Well maybe report card day. My grades were amazing. Other than that, yeah no, I was dripping in social anxiety with a side of awkward sauce. Actually, extra on the awkward sauce. 

  What is it about that age that grade that makes you feel so inferior? I mean just a year ago I felt so comfortable in my skin but now It's a year later and a grade higher and I'm questioning the purpose of my whole existence. SIGH! Let's not even start with the comparisons! I don't know about you guys but on my very first day of the 7th grade I noticed that many girls looked more "advanced" if you can understand what I'm talking about. I mean sis, why are you twelve but can pass for twenty two? Like how is that possible? Now look, I'm not about to say that boys are everything but.. At that age, I couldn't help but start to think about them. Well, more like obsess but who like you know, cares? Me, I cared, WAY TOO MUCH about what those anime loving, cheeto cheese covered finger having, so close to puberty but no quite yet there, stupid boys. 

  I cared about what the thought, about what they liked and about what they said. And frankly, me with ehm, ehm, not all of the extra curricular activities the other girls had going in their shirts, I, unfortunately didn't qualify as one of the things the boys liked. Well that and also i was weird and quiet so yeah, definite disadvantage going on there. But anyway, with that lovely combination of not yet reaching puberty, a desire for non-pubescent preteen boys and an unhealthy obsession with comparing myself to other girls, I decided to do the unthinkable. I started stuffing my bras.

  I KNOW I KNOW, I'm disgusted with myself too but... it gets worse. 

Picture this, young me walking down the hallway of a new school, with pointy ass contraptions protruding out of my school shirt because my tissue to training bra ratio was as off as my ability to see that I am not pulling this off as well as I thinks I am. Bro my shirt looked like two uneven lumpy mountains. I'm not sure if anyone notice my sudden "growth spurt" was fake because no one said anything. Maybe it didn't look so bad, or maybe i wasn't important enough for people to care, or may-, nah, nah it was because no cared. Oh but my desperateness didn't stop there.

  See the girls that I compared myself to wasn't just horizontally blessed in their upper regions, they were also horizontally blessed in their lower regions as well. I, was not. I don't know if you can tell where I'm about to go with this but if you guessed that I finally realized my worth and said enough with the the comparisons then you my good friend are absolutely wrong and have not been keeping up with the theme of this story. 

 So yeah, I stuffed my pants.. 

   Look, I know what you're going to say and you know what say it. It's really sad to see how far you'd go just to fit in, to feel wanted and accepted. These days I'm really happy I could look back and laugh at how dumb I got just to look like the other girls who were being praised. I'm happy that today I've finally found some peace in my life. But wait my story isn't over just yet, I have so much more...