Stuff I write in the middle of the night

anxiety trip/ 2:57 am July 11th 2019

I wake up.
At 1 pm.
Why? Because I couldn't sleep for hours because my head was filled with frightening thoughts about things I could have done wrong yesterday.
Even tho I didn't do much.
As I finally stand up, knowing my father went back to work so I could less scared walk in to the kitchen.
"As long as I am alone I should quickly make something to eat... So nobody can judge how much I eat", I think while making two whole sandwiches. As I get those ready I make myself a coffee with to much sugar. I grab it as soon as I am ready and go in my room. "Nobody can see me eat so I can relax and eat like I actually do"
Eating in front of people is stressing me out.
My head goes up and down with questions while eating in front of people: "Am I stuffing it into my mouth?" "Is it to much I put on my plate?" "Is it strange that I eat that with that?" and so on...
I bite into my sandwich as I turn on my PC.
Discord pops open.
My second world.
A world where I don't have to think about stuff like; "Is my hair okey" "Do I represent what I am, like do I look nonbinary enough?" "Didn't I forget to put something on?" "Is this combination of clothes okey this way?" "Am I talking too loud/too quietly?" "Dies my breath stink?" "Does my face look okey. I did put on the cream against the acne... did I?" "Do they even like to look at me... Like at all? Or am I to strange to look at?"
But not in Discord.
I smile as I click on the Call where there are already people in. People I like to talk to and it's my server. The server I created to know that it would always be okey to join.

Friend 1: "Kai! Hey!"
Friend 2: "Kaiiii!"
Friend 3: "Good day Kai, how are you doing?"
Me/Kai: "Meh, not good but also not bad"
Friend 3: "So the usual *laughs*
Me/Kai: *joins him laughing*

People that know me. People that understand when I say "I am not able to".
I don't even think about going outside my house. Why would I leave to safty of non judgement of my home?
I can be me and not think about how awful I am even tho people --lie-- tell me that I am alright.
My mother enters my room.
"Why didn't you clean the flat. And why is your window closed. It's very st-"
"It's closed because the janitor is cutting the lawn. And I couldn't sleep at night again. So I couldn't wake up early enough to do anything"
Mother: "It doesn't take long to do it. Do it tomorrow" leaves.
My mood is down my friends heared me talk to her so they immediately talk to me about something else. They make me laugh, think about good stuff and help me if I have a problem with a program on my PC. I feel save at my desk with my PC.
But I know it's wrong.
I isolat myself.
I set myself up for even more anxiety than I already have.
Everyday it's the same.
I wake up.
Do one two things in the flat if I wake up early enough.
I go on to my PC and just talk to my friends online and play games with or without them.
I am just unable to go outside as long as it isn't something like going buying groceries, visiting one of my online friends, visiting my sister or going to school or a doctor.
I am unable to leave my home.
My comfort zone.
I need help.
I bled.
I did.
Because I couldn't bear the pain.
It hurts to know that I isolat myself because of anxiety.
The thought that I would hurt my mother if I kill myself is everything that is keeping me alive.
I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS.
I WANT TO SCREAM.
I WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF.
I WANT ...help.
Help I can't ask for.
I tried.
We got half way there.
I now know that I really have anxiety with depressiv tendencies.
But I need to find a way to change it or at least make it easier for me to live.
But I hope soon I will find something.
Soon I will be free from my mind and I will be able to finally leave my comfort zone and became myself in the real world.
At least... I hope.