Summer of '07

Broken Promises

Chapter 33

May 2019

~TRAVIS~

As usual, Jenny was right. She's always right for fuck's sake! Literally right after we had that conversation about Elijah, I received the most crippling voice message from him and I knew right then and there that I should have trusted my gut. I never should have hooked up with him... though I suppose it's a little late for regrets now. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He promised me that he wouldn't do what he did the last time and yet he did it again anyways. Typical Elijah Radford... always making promises he can't keep. That's obviously what he did to Michelle. What a shitty dude, he is... when we teenagers... and even now. I guess some people never change.

Thanks to my conversation with Jenny, I guess I couldn't have been surprised over Elijah's message. I had it coming. But that's okay considering I did it to myself. I can blame Elijah, but realistically I'm more to blame in this situation. I ignored my gut and I got burned because of it. At least I didn't get beat to a bloody pulp this time. But now I know that Elijah and I are simply not meant for each other. We never will be. If he somehow miraculously changes another twelve years from now, it'll be way too late then. And not because we'll both be 41, but because he's already hurt me twice and I won't be stupid enough to let it happen a third time. And besides, who knows what my life will be like by then? Maybe I'll have found someone else. Someone who's not ashamed to be with me. Unlike him, I can accept myself for who I am and not hide behind a lie.

I can still be happy without him. I still love him, but I suppose that doesn't matter. I now have closure for all of the shit that happened between us and I'm ready to move on. From a crush that started when we went skinny-dipping with a chick we both previously had a crush on to hooking up with each other in a musty hotel room to fighting in a playground in the dead of night to where we are now. It was a crazy experience we shared together and I will never forget it. He'll always be my first love... and who the fuck ever ends up with their first love anyways?

Me and Jenny take a walk through Pier 39 together about a month after I received Elijah's message, where I tell her the full story of my journey with Elijah, which I previously told her I would do eventually. I tell her about the times we shared here at Pier 39 when we were kids... and unlike before, where I would usually tear up at the thought of remembering it again, I instead smile at the thought and remember it fondly. It used to paralyze me remembering senior year of high school and how I still loved a guy who treated me like shit... but now I can't say that it still does. I finally feel free of my resentment towards the past. I've come to realize that I wasn't the only one who suffered that year and I'll forever feel sorry for Elijah. He had to grow up with a homophobic cunt for a parent and who knows how much of a negative effect that had on his mind to cause him to be like how he is. I wish him all the best... despite the vast amounts of pain he subjected me to.

"I always wanted a gay best friend, if I'm being completely honest!" Jenny suddenly comments to break the brief period of silence between us as we stare into the sea.

"Why?" I say, confused.

"I don't know... I just did. And ya know what's crazy, the signs of you being gay were always there but I was just so oblivious that I never even realized it! I've been your best friend for five years and I can't believe I never figured it out sooner."

"Yeah, I should have told you sooner... I don't know why I didn't. I guess I didn't really want you to look at me differently... I didn't want you to consider me your 'gay best friend' or whatever... but now I don't give a fuck."

She just rolls her eyes with a smirk across her face.

"Also... what signs? No one has ever been able to figure it out without me telling them..."

"Well, you never once dated a girl since we've been friends, nor have you ever expressed interest in girls and then there was always something about the way you would interact with attractive men that caught my attention. You were kinda flirty sometimes... and I feel like you maintained eye-contact with them a lot longer than most guys."

"Those are bullshit signs!" I snicker.

"Well, that's what I noticed!"

We both laugh and soon our conversation quickly falls silent. Though of course, after five years of friendship it could never be awkward between us, even through the silence. Elijah and I used to be like that, during that short period of time we were besties before we hooked up.

During the drive home, I suddenly start thinking of Michelle and I can't help but feel sad for her. If Elijah lied about Michelle's supposed affair, then that means that we totally fucked her over. She was just an innocent casualty in the pandemonium of Elijah's chaotic love life. Poor woman. It makes me feel even worse that I'm in part responsible for what happened. I helped him cheat on her... even if I was manipulated into it... I still did it, knowing damn well that he was married. I already know that I'll feel guilty about that part for the rest of my life. Another reason I have to let go of Elijah. Though I know it'll be hard, it can be done.

I'm not gonna be a dumbass like Elijah and just pretend that it never happened, but I will accept that it's in the past and that there's nothing I can do about it now. Just like Elijah himself... I won't pretend that he doesn't exist, but I will put him behind me. I won't spend years wallowing in depression like I did the first time. Those days are over... and I couldn't be more relieved about that.

Goodbye, Elijah Radford.