It was the way he laughed at my jokes. It was the way he smiled when I teased him. It was the way he was honest with me. It was the way he looked at me.
God why did it have to be him.
He was unattainable, just like fire but worse. The way I burn for him is like no other. Maybe I love him. Maybe I don't.
His soft words cut my heart like knives, and his softness caressed me like silk.
I'm sorry.
For the way I treated you when I didn't realize my feelings. And the way I treated you when I did. For when I didn't know I teased and flirted. When I repeated when the substitute said your full name, and when you teased me for her saying mine wrong.
For when I put mints in your jacket for laughs. For when you ate then because you knew I left them. For when I laughed. For when you smiled.
For when I talked to my best friend. And for when you listened in on our conversations. For when I blushed and was embarrassed when you said I looked pretty on prom night. For when I didn't say you looked handsome.
For when I tucked you in when you were high at a party. And for when you said you didn't know what you did to earn that treatment.
For when I didn't smile at you bright enough. For not being smart enough. For not being pretty enough. For having a boyfriend whom is your friend.
For just being me.
For admiring you when I know it's wrong.
I'm sorry I can't help it.
Maybe you shouldn't have teased me back. Maybe you shouldn't have smiled at me.
I'm sorry for blaming you. But that's all I can do.
For making me love you.
I'm sorry for crying over how sweet you are, over how unknowing about how kindness treats me.
I'm sorry for not realizing sooner.
God please forgive me.
Because what I wouldn't do, to have you smile at me again.
