Bandom Oneshots

Lonely

Hello Good Eggs! Slight warning, this oneshot is about severe/extreme loneliness. I'm venting about how I feel when I'm left alone for a long time. I do not drink or do drugs, that is simply me connecting this to Steven's lifestyle during the 80s. Somehow I'm introverted.

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I don't know what to do. I don't know why I did this, I didn't know exactly why I felt this way, but it was shredding up my insides. Axl, Slash, Duff and Izzy would all go out clubbing and me, claiming to not feel good, would stay home. I ran my fingers through my blonde hair, reassuring myself that they would be home in a few hours and I would be just fine. I plopped myself onto the dirty blue couch. The dreary gray walls did nothing to lift my slight anxiety.

At first it was fine, I'd sing karaoke with myself in our black and white tiled kitchen, sliding around no-so-gracefully with wooly socks on. Maybe watch some porn and jerk off later on. But then when I got into watching TV I feel it sink in. The loneliness. I couldn't sit still, and I constantly drummed my fingers quickly on the arm of the grimy-feeling couch.

I catch myself imagining I was talking to them. I know they aren't real, but when I feel this way it just happens. It kind of helps but it's not the same as really talking to them. As the song ends, I catch my breath and close my eyes. I was tired and I just wandered throughout the dark house restlessly, looking through drawers and going through the couch and chairs for spare change. It was good to give myself something to do, right?

At that point, 2 hours had passed. When music, TV and imagining my bandmates and friends had stopped working, I decided to rely on the last thing I had. Booze and drugs. I'd never used either for this before. I quickly ran to my room, trying to relieve my restless energy, and enter the closet, going to the back and grabbing my coke out from underneath some dirty laundry. I walk back out to the kitchen and grab a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

I dump out two lines of coke onto the coffee table and roll up a dollar bill I found in the pocket of my jeans. I sit stiffly on the floor and bend over the table. I know the coke will make me more hyper but I'll take that over feeling so lonely. So I snort the first line and plug my nose, feeling the high come onto me. I slouched back against the couch, bouncing my leg a bit to rid myself of the extra energy. I gulped a few ounces of JD and did another line. I felt floaty, and the lonely feeling disappeared as my limbs suddenly felt weightless. I sighed in relief. I've never tried using booze and drugs to help this feelings before, and I'm glad it worked.

Then it came back. Full force. The anxiety that comes with coke must have brought it back, and this time it's hard to contain my thoughts with my now slightly inebriated mind. I quickly launch up from my spot on the floor and pace around not knowing what to do. I feel hot tears pour down my face as the loneliness sinks into my bones even deeper and dig my fingernails roughly into my scalp, feeling slight pain but not caring.

'I hate being alone so much, why did I say I didn't want to go out!?' I thought to myself.

Not having social interaction for this long was messing with me. I need to be with someone, I need to hug them, I need to be hugged back, I need someone to just run their fingers through my hair and tell me they were there and they were going to make the bad lonely feeling go away. I would take anyone, even Axl to just be near so I didn't have to feel this terrible dreadful anxiety anymore. I tugged at the hair in my skull with clammy fingers.

I realized it would be hours until anyone got back. The feeling intensified and it was too strong for me to fight off, so I succumbed to it. I started submitting to this loneliness that wouldn't seem to leave. I drifted in and out of consciousness, still feeling tears rolling down my cheeks and hearing muffled sobs coming from my own mouth. I sluggishly walked to Slash and I's room and curled up on his side of the bed.

We always kept a whole bunch of band posters in our room, and they covered every inch of wall space there was. The carpet was a dark red, making it hard to stain so it appeared spotless. There was a double bed with a black bed set. The entire thing was black, because then it doesn't look as dirty.

I buried my face into his soft, cotton pillow, feeling slight regret for getting it wet with my tears. I laid there for another half hour and zoned out. It must have been a few hours when I finally heard the front door open and multiple feet shuffle in. I felt too exhausted to get up and greet them, so I silently stared at the wall by the door, clutching Slash's pillow in the fetal position. There was heavy footsteps getting closer and I sniffed, relieved that they were finally home. The door to the bedroom opened and there stood my wonderful boyfriend, Slash, in all his glory.

"Steven? Are you okay?" He quickly made his way over to my side as he asked gently. I slowly shook my head 'no', not bothering to cover up my feelings. I tried to talk, but my voice came out hoarse and sore from sobbing. My throat hurt so fucking bad. No more karaoke for me.

"I don't know why I said I didn't want to go- I get so, so, so lonely when I don't. I don't know how to deal with it, Slash, it just hurts so much. It's this anxious feeling that comes over me after a few hours. I know you guys will come back eventually but that doesn't stop me from craving talking to someone or hugging or just something." I sobbed into his shirt as he had brought me into a hug, petting my hair. Slash let me go for a moment to shut the door quietly and to get undressed, then help undress me.

Both of us in our sleepwear, just a pair of boxers, we slipped under the covers and he wrapped his arms around me. Suddenly it's like I had melted to warm goo as I wrapped my legs around him the best I could and buried my head into his neck. All of my stiff muscles had released their tension as he cuddled me. Our legs became tangled and he spent about 10 minutes soothing me before he spoke up.

"Steven, how much did you do?" Slash whispered.

"Just three lines and half a bottle of JD. I thought it would help, but it made it worse..." A few more tears slipped out.

"Shhh, shhh... it's okay... just sleep..." He whispered gently into my ear. He shifted us slowly so my head was by his heart. Almost to the beat of his heart, he ran his calloused fingers gently through my fluffy, blonde hair. I held onto him tighter, not wanting to let go for a very long time. But I eventually relaxed as his guitarist hands rubbed my back, gently going up and down my spine.

We both sank into the mattress, the blankets cozily tucked around us and  we held onto each other loosely. I could only hear his breathing and his soft heartbeat. It was a long time, probably an hour or so before I fell asleep. Slash never stopped whispering sweet nothings to me and reassuring me as he gently combed my hair, planting a few kisses there. A friendly darkness finally consumed me as I heard one last thing from Slash.

"I love you, Steven."

I smiled into his warm chest.

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Hope you guys liked it, I feel like it wasn't exactly my best writing. I'm trying to write more but failing, sorry. Have a good day, guys!
Byyyyye~