Broken Promises

1. Rather Just Drown

He left me.

After he told me he wouldn't.

He promised.

He told me he would be with me until the day I die.

But now, he's gone.

And with him, my heart, my feelings, and my will.

To do anything and everything.

I couldn't even go to his funeral. Seeing all those people pretend that they'll miss him as much as we will, would've killed me even more.

We are his real family, and whether we're blood related or not, we knew the real him.

Like his real smile.The crooked one with his dimple showing, and his face lighting up. The one he used to give me after every kiss.

The one last thing I saw before I lost him. Before the world started crumbling apart and the sun stopped shining.

I miss the little things he did, the things you might not even notice had you not known him well.

The way he would run his tongue over his lower lip when he was too nervous to say something.

The way he would bury his warm hands deep in his hair when he was worried.

The way his voice always broke when he was in deep pain, whether it was physical or emotional.

You know, people tell you that when you lose somebody, the world doesn't have to stop moving, that you can move on with your life without them, as long as you know they'll always stay in your heart.

Bullshit.

When you lose someone you love, you just lose the will to move, to do anything but lie down, stare at the ceiling, and think. You think about all the possible ways you could've lived out your life with them if they were still here. You try to imagine a life where you never met the person, but its impossible because without them, you don't even know who you are.

You wake up in the morning and you move to text them good morning, and then, in an instant, a cruel instant, you remember.And it's like its happening all over again.

You can't move.

You can't breathe.

You can't do anything but suffocate in the overwhelming grief that succumbs you until your last breath. And you can't help but hope for it to finally take you, and take you to them, where you can finally have that happy ending. And you can't help the devastating disappointment that overtakes you when it doesn't.

You try to move past it, past the pain and sorrow, but every little thing seems to remind you of them. Like the universe is hell-bent on making you a hopeless, despairing, miserable shell of the person you once were.

So you just lie there, on the pull out couch, not eating, not drinking, not living. You just lie there and over think, let you thoughts be the one thing that you can hear.

And you drown.

Slowly, but surely.

And you let it drown you.

Because every kiss from him was like another breath relieving me of suffocation I had no idea of. Every hug was like a protective barrier, preserving me and keeping me safe from every bad thing in the world. And every 'I love you' was a roller coaster of emotions inside of me, feeding my heart with love, my stomach with a herd of elephants stampeding, and my brain with a giddiness only he can induce.

And the thought of accepting the fact that I will never get to experience that again...

I'd rather just drown.

In the thoughts that keep haunting me.

Teasing me.

But I won't.

Because I promised him, and while he might've broken his, I'll keep mine.

Because I love you, Isaac.

Always have, always will.