Girlfriend On Mars

27. "Pushing you away"

Twenty Seven. 

"Pushing you away."

It was a day when Jen had missed school, staying home to sulk in bed and roll in her own selfish annoyance, that she finally came to a weak decision. She didn't want to lose Marley. She hadn't realised that their friendship had consumed everything, her mind, daily activities and when she was alone, she always thought about asking her over—as she usually would. But when that option was unavailable, Jen realised that she wanted to be around Marley once again, even if there was a new revolting feeling in her body when she saw the blonde. Even if it was hard to ignore. She would overpower it to stay beside her.

But while stood out by her Jeep an hour after her realisation, she'd become irritated again. She leant against the boot of her car and grumbled, watching the back door of the school, waiting for a familiar blonde to walk out into the coldness of late spring. Jen wished then that her parents had chosen a warmer place to live, Delray being a cold and grim place at the end of the world. Even at the tip of summer, winds like fingers of ice that gripped the back of your neck lingered. Jen zipped her windproof jacket up to her chin.

The door finally swung open and Marley left the school alone, kit bag resting over her shoulder. She was looking quite forlorn and Jen felt slightly guilty at that moment, wondering if she'd put her in a bad mood.

"Rhodes." She called across the parking lot, and Marley turned to look in her direction. Then as Jen motioned with hand a 'come here' gesture, the blonde walked from the path towards her, visibly confused. They'd spent four days apart from one another and neither could deny that they were relieved to be together again.

"Jen? What are you doing here?" The younger girl asked, remembering the empty seat beside her in science and her absence mark.

"I'm here to give you a lift home." Jen said flatly, hands balled in her pockets. Anger was creeping in again, but only because that disgusting feeling was back.

Marley was trying to suppress a smile but miserably failing. She was elated at the sight of Jen, even if she could sense her annoyance quite obviously.

"Well, do you want one or not?" Jen snapped.

Marley nodded, and follow Jen around the car, climbing inside and buckling up. She was disappointed to see that Jen didn't have a CD playing, she was hoping there would at least be something to drown out the awkwardness. But stiff silence hung densely over the car and Marley was starting to feel like she'd rather not of seen Jen.

"How come you didn't come in today, or yesterday?" Marley asked, initiating harmless small talk.

"Didn't feel like it." Jen grumbled.

"Are you feeling well?"

"Yes."

"What did you do today?"

"Nothing."

Marley frowned, looking away from Jen and out the window. "Are you angry with me?"

Jen paused, beginning to feel guilty. She had come for a reason, and she was already screwing it up by acting unkindly and treating the younger girl coldly. She exhaled slowly and tapped her fingers against the steering wheel. "No, no I'm not angry with you."

It seemed like they were going nowhere for a good ten minutes. Marley had noticed that Jen had passed the turning for her house twice and had driven past her own road a good few times. They were driving in silent circles and Marley couldn't figure out why. She couldn't figure out why Jen had come to school from her house to pick the blonde up to just be cold and unresponsive. It was becoming frustrating to Marley.

Jen was almost thinking identically. She'd come out from her house on an impulsive whim, but not to reject Marley again, rather to consider her. But Jen didn't know how she was going to do it when she could barely look at the girl in the face. With the realisation that Marley had seriously fallen for her, there was a new disgusting feeling that had settled like a shipwreck in the depths of her stomach and it had become incredibly difficult to ignore.

Her words wouldn't come out either, so she'd idiotically been driving them around wordlessly, trying to figure out what to say and where. She'd become so weirdly agitated; affected by the younger girl's presence alone. Just the proximity had made her restless, and she had no clue why either. She kept her eyes trained on the road and tried to come up with something un-awkward to say.

"Have you eaten?" She asked, but it came out more like a bark—angrier than intended.

Marley looked back in Jen's direction, showed a small smile and said, "I had a sandwich at lunch, so a few hours ago, yeah."

"Okay." Jen said, then paused then spoke again, "you want something?"

"I don't mind, you don't have to." Marley shrugged. Then silence fell again, but that time, Marley was smiling to herself. She wanted to believe Jen's anger would pass, that she didn't mean to be so rude, that maybe she was just confused in herself regarding Marley. The blonde held onto the last part, praying it had some truth to it.

The drove for a little while longer, until Jen steered the car into a mostly vacant parking lot, where she switched off her engine. She gripped the steering wheel hard with two hands and decided to speak,

"I don't wanna push you away." Jen said. "But I just feel weird about this."

"I'm sorry, but I can't take back what I said." Marley said quietly. "Especially when I mean it."

Marley stared at a conflicted Jen for a moment. She was trying to keep her cool but every part of her wanted to lean into Jen's and have everything return to the way it was before, complication free. She felt like she'd ruined a good thing, like she'd ruined everything. She wanted to take back what she said and have it over and done, but Jen wasn't taking it well. She stared and stared, not realising Jen wasn't as deep in thought as she'd thought.

"Don't, stop doing that." Jen snapped angrily, taking Marley by surprise.

"What?"

"Looking at me like that! Like a lost dog! I can't help you. I'm useless and you know it." Jen said loudly, hand gripping the steering wheel. "I'm not your first love, I couldn't be."

"I'm not asking for help, actually I'm not asking for anything." Marley frowned. She was becoming increasingly annoyed. Jen's outbursts were uncalled for. "And you are. You said you don't wanna push me away but that's exactly what you're doing!"

Jen clenched her jaw. "Don't you see this is kind of difficult for me too?"

"No, actually, not at all." Marley replied bluntly.

Jen let her head fall to the steering wheel, sighing and rolling her forehead against it. She wanted to give herself time to think but she realised she already had and that actually there wasn't much to contemplate. Instead, she decided to try and change the mood—to not try and hurt the younger girl anymore.

"You really like me, huh?" Jen said softly, turning her head against the wheel to look at Marley.

The blonde nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'm sorry."

"And you wanna do couple stuff, with me?" Jen asked, a weird smile creeping up her face.

Marley hung her head and nodded shyly.

Jen laughed. "It'll take some time... but, you know I'm no good for you, right? I should have just left you to finish the year without me. I did this. Christ."

"Jen, I don't care. This is how I feel, and I don't wanna go back in time, I don't wanna not meet you. I'm glad I met you and I'm glad you're the one I care about." Marley sighed, talking with a much confidence as she could muster.

Jen started to laugh again, rising for the wheel and turning to look her in the face properly. "You're gonna have to start by not doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Being sweet, 'cause it's working." Jen joked, but Marley didn't really laugh.