Lost Boys

• Chapter 17 •

Theo

"Theo I-" Grey started with guilt dripping his words. Immediately, I felt my heart clench, painfully.

"I'm sorry, I-uh- I have to go," I mumbled, pushing past him. My feet carried me out of the cafeteria and out into the empty hallway. The sound of my footsteps echoed through the wall, my breaths wavered as I bit my lip hard allowing a harsh metallic taste to fill my mouth. I hated it. I hated having to ignore him. But it was for the better. I couldn't like him back. I don't like boys. I don't like Grey in that way. I don't want to.

I breaths quickened as I let my feet carry me through the school. I don't really know where I was going, I just wanted to get out. Get out of this mess. I hated everything. It was all too confusing for me to handle. It's not like had anything against the LGBTQ+ community, it's just that I wasn't a part of it. I couldn't be a part of it.

My legs flared in pain but I didn't want to stop, so I just kept running. Running until my knees wobbled and gave up. My hands were placed on my knees as I panted heavily. I hated feeling so weak. So vulnerable.

No emotions, no pain.

I should have listened to myself. I should have never got close to Grey. I shouldn't let myself be close to people. I always hurt them. I'm hurting Grey, I hurt Paige, I'm probably going to do some stupid shit and hurt Autumn, too. I don't deserve to be around such amazing people. I deserve to be locked away somewhere. Maybe it would have been better if I was just locked up after what I did to my father.

Everybody was right, I was a monster.

I shouldn't be alive. I'm better off dead. My mom can handle getting by herself. I know nobody will miss me. Maybe it'll be better for everyone if I just disappear.

Nobody will care in a few days.

Nobody should care.

I cursed under my breath running a frustrated hand through my hair. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. I didn't want to think about it. It made me sick, but in a weird twisted way, it made me happy. I hated myself for it. I'm not supposed to be like that.

"Theo? Is that you?" Someone asked, cautiously. My head snapped into the direction of the voice. Vanessa stood in front of me her face filled with confusion. Her glossy lips were drawn into a frown as she inspected me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, letting my guard come right back up.

She placed her hands on her hips, cocking her head to the side, watching me, slightly amused. "I saw you run off pretty aggressively so I just followed to see if you were okay," she said, smiling slightly her bright blue eyes sparkling in amusement.

"You don't need to worry about me," I snapped, gritting my teeth in annoyance. I held back anything in my face that could possibly show sadness or vulnerability.  "Now can you leave me the hell alone?"

"Theo, clearly something's up," she said, her words laced with sympathy. "You know you can talk to me right?"

"Please, Vanessa. Just leave me alone." I pressed, dragging a hand down my face.

"Okay, I'm leaving." She huffed, raising her hands in the air with mock surrender. She turned her back towards me walking away, her heels clicking across the tiled floor as it faded into the hallway.

I squeezed my eyes shut letting out a shaky breath. My stomach lurched, as I felt bile rushing up to my throat. My eyes darted around the hallway trying to find the nearest restroom. My eyes caught on the painted sign as I made a run for the door a hand clutching my stomach.

I gagged, running into a stall. I placed my hands on my knees as the contents in my stomach emptied out before me.

I gasped for breath, the unappealing taste lingering in my mouth. My throat felt sore and strained. I coughed quite a bit before leaning over the toilet seat, palms pressing against the cold wall as I threw up once more.

My throat was dry and scratchy as I limply reached over to pull the flush. I flipped down the toilet seat lid as I weakly sat down on it, pulling the stall door closed.

I grunted slamming my fist against the stall wall. I choked feeling sobs burn at the back of my throat.

Tears slipped past my eyes, entwining with my thick eyelashes, and some streaking down my faces I tried to wipe them away, gulping down my sobs. I sniffled using my sleeve to wipe my runny nose.

I let out a breath, trying to regain my composure before making my way out of the small stall. I studied my self in the mirror, it had been awfully obvious that I had cried. I hated it. I hated looking and feeling so vulnerable. And the worst part was I realized something. Something I hated myself for. Something that made my guts twist into a painful bit of misery.

I think I like Grey Andrews.

Shit.

This was never supposed to happen. I was supposed to stay away from people. Keep to myself. Help my mom and leave this world with no emotions. But now a crush -and that was all it was- drove me out of my path. Though, I was going through the road which would only make me feel like nothing. But at least I wouldn't feel this. This terrible feeling of wanting someone. Needing someone.

I didn't want to "need" someone. I didn't want to "need" anything.

I wanted to feel nothing.

But as usual, things never went my way. My shoulders slumped as I made my way out of the restroom. Dragging myself to my next class as I heard the bell ring through the hallways.

I hated this so, so much.

I hated myself.

But I couldn't hate him.

I was too scared to like him either.

Hi guys!
I'm back, and ready to write! Well...not really. I still need to get my glasses but I'm trying to write!

Thank you all for reading!