Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
my melancholy blues
"love, what was that back there?" john asked as he closed the front door of your shared apartment as you walked straight away from him towards the kitchen. one of freddie's magnificent parties had, once again, ended abruptly on your part. something was said about you and john, initiating your early departure. you didn't reply to him, only filling up and turning on the kettle, standing with your back against the kitchen worktop.
john followed you, turned into the kitchen and pulled out your matching cups, placing them next to the empty teapot. he mirrored your body, resting back against the kitchen worktops. you stayed still, looking ahead of you to not meet the deep hue of john's eyes who's spell you would easily fall under.
"why can't you look at me?" he asked, looking down towards his feet, pushing his hands into the pockets of his light blue jeans. "love, you haven't looked at me for weeks."
"i have." you choked out, instantly defending yourself at his words.
"not in the way you used, too. you used to look at me like i was the only person in the world, like there was no one else but me. why don't you look at me like that?"
"things change, john."
"like what?" he knew something was wrong instantly; you never called him john.
"you aren't who i thought you were." you whispered, scared at how john would take it. before john could reply, though, the kettle finished boiling. you instantly turned around, grabbing your cup and placing it back in its place, leaving john's cup all alone. his back was still against the counter, still digesting the words you had just spoken to him.
you moved away from him, dragging your feet behind you as you stumbled across to the sofa, dropping yourself onto it. leaning all the way back, you closed your eyes and basked in the silence.
"who did you think i was?" he sniffed, shuffling around in his space, back still pressed against the countertop. your eyes opened and looked forward as the inevitable came towards you.
"not the john i know. i thought you were someone completely different, and i cant believe it's taken me ten years to figure you out."
"figure me out?" john's voice was low as he asked this, almost as if he was afraid of the answer.
"freddie described you as everything i wanted in a partner. and you were. still are in some respects. but i just can't help but feel like there's something missing. i won't give you the 'it's not you, it's me' crap because i think it is you. i think there's something about you, john, that i will never know, and that you will never understand. i put it off for years because i love you," as soon as you said that, your head turned to john. he was still looking down, his hands still in his pockets. "but, like i said, you aren't who i thought you were. and i don't want to continue this if it feels wrong."
"it's been ten years," john looked up, seeing you staring at him with glossed over eyes. "ten years i've loved you through everything, and you're telling me now that i'm not who you thought i was?"
"things change, john. and i think you're one of those things."
"i'm guessing i've changed for the worse? because this is the first time you've looked me in the eyes for weeks. and this is the first time in weeks that we've had a proper conversation."
"i'm sorry, john. it's just-"
"what?" he interrupted, taking his hands out of his pocket and walking over to the armchair that resided across from the sofa you were laying on. "you don't love me anymore?"
"what else could it be, love? you've said i'm not who you thought i was, i've gathered that you think i've changed for the worse and now the only thing i'm playing over and over in my head is that you don't love me."
now it was your turn to be quiet. you couldn't look at him anymore and let your head drop. your eyes closed again, tears threatening to spill at any second. the pair of you sat in silence for a few moments, causing fear to rise in john's chest and guilt to rise in yours.
"i do love you, john. i have done for ten years. i don't think i could stop loving you."
"there's a but there." he stated matter-of-factly, knowing that there was more to your statement.
"i think i painted a picture in my head," you sighed, pulling your head up and looking at john again. feeling a tear cascade down your cheek, you left it there, sniffling instead. "i think when i heard about you, i painted a picture of having the perfect relationship with you: getting married, living together, having kids, being together for the rest of our lives. so, when i met you and got to know you, i think i stopped myself from knowing anything that didn't fit my picture which, consequently, made you shut off a part of you to me, which i had never noticed until now. i was so wrapped up in my daydream and your love that i didn't realise until as of late. i'm sorry, john. i never wanted to do this to you, or me, but i think it's better if we go our separ-"
"don't say it. please," he begged, this time, his head dropped low. "please can we just talk about this more and understand what it is. i can't lose you." john practically choked out his words, surprising himself that he didn't mess up and break down.
"i don't think i can do that, john. i'm sorry." the back of you hand wiped away any tears that had fallen during that short space of time. you pushed yourself off of the sofa, grabbed your bag and made your way to the front door.
"wait," john called, jumping up from his seat and rushing over to you. he lightly grabbed your wrist, giving it a little squeeze. "before you go, just know that i love you. and if you want to come back, i'll be here. i don't want to lose you and i definitely don't want to see you walk out of that door right now, but if you have to, you have to. and i don't want to stop that."
"i love you, john. but i just think we need time to ourselves. truly, i don't want to walk out of this door either, but it's the best thing to do." all john did was nod. his hand was still around your wrist, keeping you in place near the door.
you raised your hand to lightly cup john's cheek, smoothing over his skin with your thumb. he leaned into your touch, basking in the softness which he may never experience again. his hand moved from your wrist and slipped into your hand, your fingers intertwining perfectly like they had done for ten years.
as a tear fell from his eye, your thumb caught it, not allowing it to stain his slightly stubbly cheek. the gaze between the two of you was so strong, it made you question why you were even leaving at all. those gorgeous green eyes that you had fallen in love with were calling, begging you to stay.
but you couldn't. you knew you couldn't. it was too much for you.
"deaky, i have to go." you whispered, desperately not wanting to.
"i know." he simply replied in a hushed voice, releasing your hand from his grasp. you moved backwards, allowing your back to hit the door. skilfully, you grabbed the door handle, pushed it down and opened the door, all while still looking in john's eyes.
the door was pulled fully open as you stood in the threshold, leaning against the frame, gaze still locked on john. finally, you gave him a small smile, looking down at the floor and pulling the door shut.
