What If I Jump?

Nick

Her features were remarkable. Ella had sparkling blue eyes and dimples that protruded against her admirable smile. That red hot hourglass figure of hers was a sight which provoked my interest. She was rather quiet in class unless she was talking to a friend, and her voice still fell in a gentle manner which made her appear more innocent. God, I wanted a taste of her innocence.

Anatomy was our one class together, and she was the only thing that would make the class any more tolerable. It wasn't until a few weeks into classes that the seating arrangement had changed, placing Ella two seats in front of me. It felt like torture for her to be so close and still have an entire human being in the way. She'd always talk to the girl behind her. The happiest day of my life was when Ella's friend was absent. Ella turned around half expecting to see her friend but instead saw me. Her smile faded into a quizzical look and she asked for my name. "You're my new buddy, Nick!" She exclaimed and I was just happy for her to acknowledge me.

Three days had passed and Ella's friend was still MIA. Mr. Rosenberg had already warned that the seating arrangement would be changing tomorrow, and I feared that I would lose contact with Ella. I leaned forward in my desk and whispered her name. Upon asking for her number, a blush had burned onto her rosy cheeks. "Of course!" she remarked and handed me a shred of paper marked with scribbles. I admired the paper for a few moments, taking in the beautiful loops and curves of her neat handwriting. I could her a tiny giggle erupt from her and I looked her way once more. Giving her a kind smile, I placed the paper into my pocket and pretended to pay attention to the lecture.

The next day, as expected, the seats were rearranged. All the students seemed to be in dismay as they searched for their new assigned spot. I felt even more disgruntled than the other students because it just so happened that my seat was on the other side of the classroom. Mr. Rosenberg had more than likely done this to separate me from Ella since we had talked plenty within the last few days. I hated that old fart with a passion.

Texting Ella was my new way of getting around Mr. Rosenberg's new seating chart. We'd talk for the entire period, stifling laughter and exchanging humorous looks. It only took another week to convince Ella to go on a date with me. After she had agreed, the rest of the day seemed promising and I was more excited than ever for the following school day to end.

Friday finally came and I picked her up from her apartment and we headed out. The night was young and brisk so we headed to the movies. That night, we decided to watch Meet the Parents, which was a popular comedy at the time. During the movie, I had made small advances toward her nudging her into what I had planned for later. By the end of the movie, she had agreed to go home with me before I drove her home. My parents had left for a while and I pushed it on Ella to have sex. She trembled as she slid her clothes off. My heart was thumping so loudly I was afraid she would hear it as well. I leaned in and kissed her roughly a few times and she squirmed under me before pulling away. "I don't think I want to do this, Nick," she whispered as her voice shook with fear. I tried my best to persuade her and gently caressed her body, moving my hand down to rub her clit as she weakly fought back. "It'll be fine," I tried to reassure her, but she pulled away and began to dress herself.

I believe it may have been the hormones that night, but I was angry. I was a fuckable person and she just left me hanging. I paid for the movies and I picked her up; she owed me. Isn't that how things are supposed to go? I felt as if I did nothing wrong.

A month passed by and she still ignored me despite my efforts to talk to her. Every class seemed boring as hell without her. I couldn't handle the silence between us. One day after class was dismissed, I decided this was enough and we needed to talk. I raced to her side in the hallway, pushing past students. She had told me to stop and let it be but I was determined to talk. I promised a dinner following my apology and she hesitantly agreed.

That night I paced around my room and tried to perfect my speech. Any form of apology I could manage to think of sounded too cliche to tell Ella. She was extremely important to me and as it stood, it seemed very unlikely that she would forgive me.

The hour arrived and I drove to Ella's apartment to find her standing patiently by her door. To my surprise she was wearing dull clothing and it broke my heart to see her dressed as if she were meeting a predator. As she got into the passenger seat, I noticed her fingers trembling as she strapped her seat belt on. It wasn't long before we arrived at her favorite deli and I rushed out to open her car door for her. 

We sat at a booth in a cozy corner. The tension was mildly clouding the room and the silence ate at my patience. I broke the quiet setting by practically begging Ella to forgive me and promises to improve in the future. Her features appeared shocked and she nodded as I finished a list of things I would do better. 

We had some minor limits that Ella had chosen herself but I danced around them on most occasions. I had pushed some keys to become friends with benefits but Ella gave in rather easily. I believe, personally, that she just needed more time to get over those other guys and some quality sex was all she needed. She was sensitive and complex but I learned to break her boundaries anytime she fought me. 

Ella was magnificent in all that she did. Her intelligence stunned me during our late night conversations. It still leaves me clueless when I wonder why she fell for all the things I put her through. I've tried to justify it by reminding myself that she was very smart and she knew the whole time. I want to make myself believe that I didn't contribute to her death. I miss her. I miss her body and mind. She was a wildfire and in the end, I was a can of gasoline.