crazy • jian

2.

"Kian, u added more time and u won't be released until you're 30" my therapist sat in front of me with that stupid ass notebook in her hand so that she could write down all of my thoughts and my behavior problems. But she's the only person in the world who can be around me in a room alone and she's also the only one that I trust with anything that goes on with me. "I'm sorry, but she disrespected me and I was only trying to be released." I paced back and forth and thought about what Harrison and I had done to her and now she's laying in the hospital, and I'm definitely going to get charged with sexual assault." I wasn't going to rape her, but I did cut her genitals and I don't feel bad about it, but that doesn't mean that I want to keep envisioning it. 

"Kian, she's a woman and if this gets out, then you will be facing the death penalty because people will start to riot and ask for justice, especially for a woman in the workplace," I smirked as I stood up. I've been sentenced to death like three times and all I have to do is fuck the head man in charge to not get it. "I hear you, but I don't care." Sharon stood in front of me, folding her arms and stared into my eyes and I stared into hers as well, "I believe in you and I think you have the potential to get out of this place and make something of yourself, don't waste your good years in this place forever." She kissed my cheek before walking out and leaving me with my thoughts.

"Ooh, Do I see a future, Dr. Lawley?" I scrunched my nose up and flipped Harrison off as I laid in my bed, "Hell no, u know I don't have time to chase no dreams." I stared at the ceiling and just started thinking about what my life would have been like if I was a regular kid.

"You're not like the rest of us, u do have potential to make something of yourself and your wasting it by doing stupid shit that's setting you back." I rolled my eyes as he continued to preach to me, "Man, I haven't been out in the world in years, there's no way that I  can just go out and start a new life with a record like mine.  I am a killer and I will do damage to anything that breathes the moment that I step out of here, so I might as well stay locked up like a caged animal." Harrison stared at me, just shaking his head. "DO NOT PREACH TO ME." I quickly got up and walked out of the room. 

I walked into the lobby where everyone was having a group discussion, so I decided to join in. I pulled up a chair and listened to the stories that people were telling. I always think that I'm the only bat shit crazy person in this place, but we get new people in here every day and the stories get more graphic and cruel. I've been a sinner all my life and even this shit is making me blush.

"I shot my mother in the head when I was only seven years old because she wouldn't believe me when I told her that my stepfather was sexually abusing me, I later found out that she was the one who told him that he could do it to me.  I didn't murder him, but he was pushed off of a cliff for trying to rape an 18-year-old girl who was on a camping trip with her boyfriend."

"So, Karma handled him." I added, "Yeah, he can't hurt anyone else and I'm happy about that." The girl smiled as she looked up at me. "I bet." I giggled as I raised my hand to go next.

"Kian, don't be too violent." Sharon said, "OK." I smirked.

"I was about five years old when I went into my little sister's room and I  woke her up and asked her if she wanted to go on a night late swim with me, she loved me so much, so I took advantage of the fact that  I knew that she'd do anything for me.  I picked her up and I took her out back to the lake and I threw her in and I went back inside, I had no idea that she could swim at that age, so she got out of the pool and started to bang on my parents bedroom window, she didn't bang on the front door because she knew that I would hear her and she didn't want to risk that. She told them what I had done and I was sent away for a few weeks, she still wanted to call and talk to me, she still cared about me and I've never felt the same about her.."

"Did you ever accept any of her phone calls?" I shook my head as my hands started to twitch. "How do you feel towards your sister now?" Sharon asked, "I miss her and I would love to get a phone call from her now." my leg started to shake and I felt myself about to get angry. "I hated her for loving me so much..."

"why?"

" Because I was damaged and she didn't see me as a monster, she saw me as her big brother who she loved and trusted no matter what, how could I live up to the brother that she thought that I was?"