The Life Of A Girl Who Feels Like She Is Not Enough

I Want To Get High

I just typed a whole ass chapter and accidentally deleted it. So I am going to smoke a blunt and write this in about and hour.

An Hour Later:

High. I have smoked and am now sitting in the local Starbucks. A girl who doesn't like me made my coffee and I am pretty sure she spit in it, but it is totally fucking okay because it tastes so fucking good. 

What I accidentally deleted, rewritten:

I want to try harder drugs. I want to snort a line of coke, off a xanny, all while smoking a blunt. That type of hard drug. I want to feel absolutely nothing but absolutely everything at the same damn time. I want people to be surprised I am still alive. I want peoples parents to tell them to stay away from me. I want people to WANT to be my friend BECAUSE I am so fucked. I want people to think they saw me die at a party. I want to OD. I want to die.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to di------------------------

Really I just want to die, but not leave. I want to see how many people come to my hospital room, my funeral, my grave weeks after, my grave years after. And then, and only then, the people who still come years after I will know loved me. I want to hear the thoughts of my closest friends. I want to hear the conversations my family have after I am gone. I want to know what they do with my room. I want to know what they do with my clothes. I want to know if they move. I want to know who visits my mom. What they say to her. If my mom will give them something of mine. I want to know who will all get a tattoo in dedication of me. I want to know what they will tell their children about me.

I want to know what TM will say. Will she feel bad for all she put me through? Will she blame herself? Will she post about me like she did CL? Will she feel bad for calling me a fat bitch whore? Will she feel anything at all? Will she come to my funeral? Will she cry? Will she care at all?

I want to know what CD will do. Will she cry? Laugh? See it coming? Will she visit my mom? Will she take anything of mine? Will she go to my funeral? Will she blame herself? Will she tell her children about her high school best friend she hurt? Will she ever know how she truly made me feel? Will she find this?

I want to know how PH will feel. Will she give a fuck? Or not at all, like everything else about me? 

How will SK act? I hate him, he is NOT aloud at my funeral. He is NOT aloud to tell his children about me. He is NOT aloud to act like he loved me or cared about me. He broke my soul, he broke my spirit, he broke my confidence. He is trash.

How will MD take the news? I love him forever, I hope he would know that.

DF, I would be sorry. You are everything to me, you are keeping me here. How would you act?

JW, I couldn't do that to you, you are also keeping ,me here. I am sorry that these thoughts even go through my head. I want to see jr grow up, so I will stay.

I have so much I want to write, but I can't find the words. 

These people either mean the most to me or nothing at all. But each one I have some of the best memories and I hate that it is that way.

They will each have their time to shine, and my side of each story will finally be told. Whether anyone reads it or not.

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF OR SNORT COKE AND POP A XANNY, I WILL HOWEVER SMOKE A FATTY BLUNT. MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL DO COKE, BUT IT SCARES ME AND I DON'T WANT TO BE A HYPOCRITE.

this is basically a public diary.

ily D=========3