Unless (LGBTQ+ BxB Completed Novel)

8: Low. High.

My days before Park were like grains of sand passing through an hourglass—they began as seconds, ticking away into suffocating minutes, which then turned into hours. Twenty-four of them would go by before my eyes, just lingering away, making me feel as if fading was the only opportunity I had left to cling to as the roads leading me to a better place turned winding.

I wish the time with Park hadn't slipped through my fingers like sand last night; I hadn't felt like this for so long. Wait. Who am I kidding? I've never felt like that before in my entire life. Real. Seen. Found. Is it bad that I wanted to do a lot more than kiss? It is insane how aroused I was, having him touching my body the way he did, touching his body the way I did.

I'd never laid hands on a man before, yet I knew where I wanted my skin to brush his; I didn't have to think, I only had to do it—touch him, sense him, breathe him. My heart expanding the size of a million galaxies, all stored deep inside me. Last night made sense.

Everything—what we did, the words we said to one another. I had to touch feelings, losing my soul in the process to find it right back in his eyes. At the moment's heat, I would have given myself away to this boy I barely know, but who sees me way better than anyone else around me. Our last kiss, before he dropped me off by my apartment, was enough to make my insides flip—my heart taking a little longer to catch up.

That's how he said goodbye, leaning over me, with an earth-shattering tenderness only to shift and end up biting my bottom lip as he pulled away. I wanted him to stay a little longer, but he insisted he needed to get to his house to take some meds or his mom would freak. I wished I'd asked what those were, but to be honest, after that damn kiss all I had was slightly swollen lips and erratic heartbeats.

***

"Noah? I'm getting the vibe you are a thousand miles away today."

"Is that so?" I answer. I'm reluctant to talk to Elena about Park. I'm not ready.

"Yes, very much so. Now, tell me, how have you been this week?"

"Fine." I want to let this whole session slide, so I can be out there in the street, riding my bike, getting the full burn of the wind hitting my face, making me wake up from a daydream I don't know if I should have. When will I see him again? That's all that matters now. I crave his touch. I'm addicted to his scent. I want more... Everything.

"Noah..." Her nagging cadence has me clenching my jaw.

"Yeah, elaborate. I know." A daydream I don't know if I am worthy of having.

"Well, then." She is waiting. If I know her the way I think I do, she will remain silent for the rest of the session. Her calm breathing making me want to disappear.

"About a week ago, I made out with a boy." There. Satisfied?

She says nothing, instead she leans in and offers me one of her Virginia Slims with an earnest smile. I don't fancy them, but this is the first time she has made me feel acknowledged, so I take one and we both light them up, letting the soft smell wander freely, filling the silence with lazy, spiraling volutes.

"It felt good," I say in a whisper.

"Care to tell me more?" I can't ignore how earnest her gaze is, as it locks with mine.

"I wasn't expecting to want to kiss him so badly, to be honest. I thought I was straight, but then again, labels don't work on me either."

"Are you concerned about feeling like you might like boys too, Noah?" Elena never goes round bushes. I like that about her.