Through Adversity To The Stars

Chapter 14 - Jealously Made Up At Least Half Of Me That Evening

Jealousy wasn't usually a trait of mine, but listening to Remy sit in silence and just knowing he was eager to tell me about his date, was about to push that button. However, I was happy for him. Glad that she had in fact made him smile when she wasn't around. I just quietly hoped I'd experience that too. Perhaps I had, I just refused to admit it.
After dinner with the Moreau's, Becky and Caroline, Father as usual, had directed all to the drawing room. Alexander did not attend. He told Mother he needed rest because of the jet lag, not a word to me. Had I done something wrong? Had I said something I wasn't supposed to that morning? In all, he wasn't attending which made it feel as though that morning was a dream.

As like the times before, the parents were caught up in their own conversation, leaving me and Remy to have ours. I couldn't help but imagine how awkward it would of been if Alexander was there. Even though I had wanted nothing more than him to of sat there, joined in, smiled with us. "How was your date?" I finally gave in to time that had been wasted. Remy turned to me and I could already tell - amazing!

"Amazing," he glowed, "we are going out again tomorrow. You doing anything?" He made it sound casual, like how Becky would say it. She slotted in, talking to Caroline as if she had known her for years. Again, I was jealous that I couldn't, I wouldn't be able to talk to someone like that if we'd practically just met.

"Not that I know of, no," was my answer. No matter how much I wanted to reject that answer from ever being true, it was.
In answer to all questions pointed to lonely, seventeen year old girls by God knows who; it wasn't always the plan to be sat alone on a Saturday night, dreaming about dreams that were hopeless. It wasn't something to be chosen by me, it had just been given to me.

Remy pressed his lips together as if he wasn't surprised I would be spending Saturday night alone again. I didn't blame him. Mother and Father would want to interfere if I did have plans. It wasn't like me. I hated being so introverted and kept to myself yet perhaps that was because I hadn't found the right people to open up to, let my inner self run wild with theirs. Would I have been to scared, to open up to? Would I have shied away from one so willing to be themselves also? It seemed as so.

The chandelier hung above us in all its glory. It was small yet unafraid. It was more than just light to the room. It was made up of small shards to glass that reflected onto one another to be something more than itself. Take one singular part of that chandelier and it would be worthless.
For a second perhaps even longer, I adored it, not like before. This time I felt like if I tried, I could be as so; delicate, elegant, beautiful. I diverted my eyes. The only thing that seemed sillier than admiring a man far greater than you, was admiring a chandelier.

Before I could let a word escape my mouth to Remy, before I could look down from the chandelier, there was Alexander. Tired eyed man that included messy hair. I felt myself melt for him. Willing for him to be him and let myself mould with him. Pointless, I thought. I believed I was doing everything wrong, everything I did seemed so childish and incapable of love. Yet so desperate to have it. To be surrounded by the chance I could catch it one day. Again, the word resonated - pointless. My door to love was nothing changed from locked, from when I thought there was a possibility, a doubt in my luck, from when I laid my eyes on him.

Alexander had dressed himself better than expected for a man who seemed beyond the hour of tiredness. His eyes caught mine for a second, the dark circles underneath the pools of blue and green I wanted to get lost in, drown in. I took my eyes away with my curiosity. Instead they met Becky's who's where wide with excitement, only having one conversation with the Alexander Saunders.
"Darling," Caroline spoke with such ease, "I thought you were sleeping?" The signs were all over his face that he hadn't been. Swollen lips that gave the impression that he had only just woken up but you could just tell that wasn't the case.

He smiled. The smile that soothed all. That smile that seemed to cure everybody's unhappiness. "I couldn't," was his response.

Nonetheless, Father did not seem discouraged by Alexander's decision to not let his head hit the pillow. In fact, he seemed to smile also, "as you're here, Alexander. Maybe I could introduce you to Rebecca Woods fully this time." I recalled that morning, the morning when Alexander rushed to my room.

He nodded, the smile still glued there. It grew as he met with Becky. Jealousy made up of at least half of me that evening. Someone as bright as Becky could of had him. She could of had him and took him and hidden him away from me. I debated that option, if I couldn't see Alexander and be okay. Of course not, I thought. But it would of helped not to know about him the way I did then. To be so infatuated with him when not even nearing a kiss. I remembered everything about the Jeane Berkeley conversation. I rewatched 'Dear Andrew Hayes' hoping I could make it through without wishing myself to be in Jeane's position. Then in that moment, having the idea of Andrew was incomparable to the being of Alexander.
Maybe I thought too quickly about the situation. However, what I had thought sat right with me. I had to be point-blank with myself. Understand that I wasn't stuck between two options that were merely impossible. But to know that I had gone with my heart and not with the head I had been taught to use. Even if I hated doing so and admitting that feelings seemed to rule me.