I’ve been home for 3 days and you are already sick of me?" Michael says.
"That’s not true Mikey. I just want to take a bath because I had a bad day at work and I’d like to drink some wine and forget that the rest of the world exists."
"But I can’t join you?" He asks sadly.
"I just want to be by myself for a little bit." He sighs and looks away.
"Yeah, okay. I’ll just be out in the den when you are done" he tells me.
"Please don’t do that Mike."
"Don’t do what?"
"Act like I’m breaking up with you or something. I just want a few minutes."
"Yeah." I walk into the bathroom and close the door before slowly taking off the clothing that hides my scabs. It has been 84 hours and 17 minutes since the last time I saw my own blood (not that I was counting) and quite frankly, I was getting frustrated. I love Michael to death but we have spent every minute together unless I am at work or the getting ready for work (Like he would get up at 7 am to shower!). It’s been getting harder and harder to fake constant happiness and it is making me more anxious to have to hide the pills for being anxious. My best friend doesn’t understand which is why I am finding it hard to tell Michael what is going on.
"Olivia" she always starts. "You have a hot boyfriend who is an international rock star and he always comes home to you. How can you be depressed?" She acts like I have this great ability to turn off the depression. I get that I somehow managed to trick Michael into thinking I’m a person he wants to spend time with, I get that the rumors of him cheating are just rumors and I get that he loves me (I don’t know why) but It just happens. I have to hurt myself, the thoughts in my head make it happen and I can’t fight them even though I try. I turn the water on and place some a new bath bomb into it. I take a deep breath in through my nose, relaxing with the sweet scent. my shirt has been abandoned on the walk to the toilet cover and I sit down on to remove my pants from my ankles when I hear a gasp followed by breaking glass. My head whips up to see Michael standing in the doorway with a broken wine glass at his feet.
"What the fuck happened? he asks, shocked.I try to cover my body with a towel but he walks over and moves it. He rubs his thumb near the cuts on my thighs."Why?" I feel the first of what I can only assume will be many tears.
"Michael" I whisper.
"I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone this whole time."
"This isn’t your fault."
"I could have stopped it."
"I don’t think you can."
"Why not?" He is kneeling on the floor in front of me with one hand on my hip and the other on my cheek, his thumb rubbing gently along my cheekbone.
"Because I’m messed up Michael. I’m fucked in the head and I can’t be fixed."
"How can you even say that Olivia? Have you even tried?" I reach around Michael and into the cabinet, moving several objects before taking out a small makeup bag. I open the bag to show Michael it’s contents and he sighs. "So you take pills, that doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed." he says. He takes the bottle out of the bag and examines it. "Have you actually been taking these?" he asks curiously. I feel the tears coming stronger and Michael wraps the towel around me before pulling me in close. I grab a fistful of his sweatshirt as I start to sob.
"I-I try. I want to but I just-I feel like a f-failure when I t-take th-them" I stutter out between gasps of air. I try to get a tighter grip and bury myself deeper but Michael is pulling away and looking into my eyes.
"I never want to hear you say those words again. Do you hear me?" He looks angry and I’m startled because I never expected him to get angry at me for this. "You never were, are now, or ever will be a failure. Do you understand. So you are not what society says is normal. Neither am I but just in a different way. You have to take these pills. They are going to help you get better and I will support you the whole way." He pulls me into him again after turning off the water and removing his own cloths. He picks me up bridal style and carries me to the bathtub before gently giggling. I look up on him in confusion since I’m still crying.
"Why are you laughing?" I ask around a sniffle.
"I had a thought of me trying to place you in and then slipping and both of us falling and having to call the boys for help while we are both lying naked on the floor" he laughs even harder now. I smile and giggle with him.
"You always know how to make me laugh. No matter what is wrong, you always manage to put a smile back onto my face" I tell him.
"It’s my job. I need to make you happy and I need you to understand that now that I know about this, I’m going to be paying attention. You aren’t going to be able to get away with all of this now." he says after putting me down and pointing towards my slowly healing cuts. I bite my lip and gently cover myself.
"Are you sure I’m worth the trouble?" I ask quietly.
"Listen to me, okay?" He places his hand under my chin and lifts it up. "You couldn’t make me believe that you aren’t worth it, even if you tried. I’ve been gone for months and all I can think about is when I get to see your face next. You are worth everything to me. Everything." Michael kissed the top of my head and gets into the tub. He holds out a hand for me and I take it, stepping in as well and sitting when he does. Water sloshes over the side of the tub when we both sit and we giggle about it. "I don’t want you to ever hide anything from me ever again, okay?"
I sigh and lean back into him. “Okay” I reply as I close my eyes. I feel my body relax more then it has in months. Michael knows I’m messed up and still wants to be here with me.
