if i could i would feel nothing

part iii

After dinner, the boys finally got to work. It had been months since Calum had last jammed with his two best friends and now that they were finally playing together again he realized how much he had missed it. Even if his fingers sometimes slipped and he played the wrong chord. Even if he wasn't confident enough to harmonize with Luke.

It was heartwarming to see that he still fit in with his best friends that he hadn't hung out with in what felt like forever. He was a little rusty, but no one mentioned it. He was a little surprised to see Ashton's fingers tapping out a steady rhythm on the desk that kept everyone on beat. He was even more surprised when Ashton picked up where Calum would usually sing.

He felt green for a second, but when his eyes met Ashton's kind ones he realized Ashton wasn't trying to replace him. The other boy was just improving them all with his harmonies that made them sound like more than just four boys messing around. They actually sounded good.

They were in the middle of practicing a Blink song when Calum's phone started vibrating in his pocket. He jumped in surprise and reluctantly stopped playing as did everyone else. He pulled his phone out and frowned down at the screen to see his mom calling him.

"I gotta take this," He mumbled quietly and set his bass to the side so he could stand. Calum avoided eye contact with the others and slipped out of Michael's room. The hallway wasn't exactly an ideal place to have a conversation so he closed himself in the bathroom and took a seat on the edge of the bathtub before answering the call.

"Calum?" His mom's worried voice called and he sighed to himself quietly.

"Hey mom, what's up?" Months ago, a call like this wouldn't have been normal. A text would be all that he'd get at most that he would usually reply immediately to. He silently wondered what else would change.

"You never texted about dinner."

Oh. Calum had forgotten about his promise to remind his mom that yes, he was eating. He'd forgotten that this eating thing wasn't just about him anymore, but now everyone knew.

"Right, sorry." Calum scratched at his scalp anxiously. "Michael's mum made a casserole and a pie. Karen really went all out." He forced a laugh but even to himself it sounded awkward. "It was really good." He couldn't even remember the taste.

"That's great sweetie!" Joy exclaimed. "I'm so proud of you."

Calum looked down at his feet feeling guilty, for what, he didn't know.

"Should I come pick you up soon?" Joy asked and he took the phone away from his face to see it was already nine o'clock. Calum bit his lip as he thought about having his mom drive back to Michael's house just to pick up her anorexic son that she couldn't trust to walk home.

Before he could even think about what he was about to say, it was out there. "Michael's mum offered to drive me back in a little bit."

"Alright sweetie, tell her thank you and be home before ten thirty."

"Okay mom, see you later." He held the phone to his cheek and listened to the call end before slowly placing it on the ledge.

Why was he doing this again? Lying, sneaking around, faking it. He didn't know why. Especially since just yesterday he had felt ready to return back to a normal life where he could hang out with his friends and make his own decisions again. But instead of becoming a normal teenage boy again he was returning to what his therapist had called his "disordered ways".

He didn't know who to believe anymore.

Calum stood up and stretched his arms to the sky before reaching back down to grab his phone. His eyes glanced over the bathtub before falling onto the toilet. He chewed his bottom lip and tasted copper on his tongue and he remembered being kneeled in front of it with his fingers shoved down his throat and his stomach protesting. The last time he'd binged was maybe a month ago, and he'd barely gotten away with it.