Dorky Green Eyes (BXB)

~ The Actual Beginning of the Story ~

I legitimately thought something was wrong with me in the fourth grade, when all the guys began entering the middle school dating world. I was more comfortable with sitting on the sidelines, but I never really had any interest. In the span of about two weeks, I realized that it was because I liked guys more than girls. In the sixth grade, I pushed away the feeling because of what ended up happening (more on that later).

You know how some people have, like, this moment of enlightenment, that opens their minds up to life, or to the realization of how shitty the world is, or whatever? Yeah, I got that in middle school, and it was how shitty the world is. Because I was twelve and was being shunned, and I didn't really have anyone to talk to, I looked internal. I occupied myself with books on anything and learned more about myself than I should probably know.

When I entered my first year of high school, it began resurfacing, so I made the conscious decision to neither ignore it nor announce it, it was merely there. High school was a really bad time in my life – right on the cusp of adulthood, but still in the awkward stages of teenage-hood(?); trying to figure out who you are; and the dreadful memories of not fitting in, at least for me. My school failed in trying to be more accepting of all, though that was based heavily on the student body's reaction. I was picked on anyway by the upperclassmen because of the unspoken code of high school hierarchy. Which, people say doesn't exist, but it does.

So that seriously sucked.

But anyways, one day in late November, in 2010, once the start of sophomore year had come and gone, I told my dad I wanted to move schools because the bullying had become too much for me to handle. He dismissed it, said I "seemed fine", and, after he went on a long rant about his own childhood experience that didn't relate to me at all, I walked out of the house. I went to the main park across the train tracks on the side of town and sat on one of the benches for about two hours. I began doing this for everything when I decided that things were unbearable; ultimately, I was out of the house a lot. I didn't feel like there was anyone for me to talk to. Dad didn't believe in therapists, I didn't want to talk to the school counselors, and I didn't want to bother my friend – all one of them – with what I was feeling.

There was a forested part of the park that was sheltered really well. The branches covered a clearing that doesn't allow the snow to fall when the snow falls. The other nice thing about it is that it's really difficult to notice or even find, so it was a perfect hiding place.

Another night, a couple weeks before winter break, after the first snow had come, melted, and then frosted over again, and after getting into another fight about something stupid and blown way out of proportion with my parents, I stomped off into that sheltered area. I began tearing twigs off the trees and throwing them. Eventually, after I had calmed down enough, I began drawing in the frozen mud.

A soft chuckle sounded in my ears. "It's a good drawing."

I turned to see Alyssa sitting down next to me. Her general carefree smile had given way to a face that said "we're-going-to-talk-about-some-serious-stuff-now". This was completely out of character for her, considering how she was twelve and less mature than everyone in her entire school.

At the time, I wasn't really concerned with why she was here. I just turned away and asked, "What do you want, Alyssa?"

She crossed her legs and took my stick. She began drawing. "My mom and your dad are morons to not see that you're suffering."

I turned to her, drawing in the cold air sharply through my teeth. She stopped and looked at me. "How can you tell?"

"Because you've become quieter." I was always quiet, though. I considered myself excellent at it. "Before you ended middle school, you were loud, awesome, and a cool big brother." That was the first time she ever called me her brother. "But now you're quiet, and you seem angry at a lot of stuff."