stuff

it sucks

It sucks when you can be their for everyone for when they fall but who's going to be their for you when you fall? Friends, family, anyone.

Or maybe your falling and dont want anyone to know. For me I dont every want my family to know I'm upset or if something is bother me and same thing with friends. Cause when I open up to family they don't see if from my perspective and say it from their own and what they would do or they say try not to fall back into depression amd my friends just feel awkward about it.

It's hard to open up and sometimes I do open up to my friends but I can only tell different parts to different friends theirs not a single person who I can tell everything to.

Or even if I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend I dont want to show that I'm weak. So many people think so well of me and my family thinks every issue I've been through I'm handling it well and that I'm strong.

But the truth is my way of handling it with a blade by my bed and always constantly thinking of every single thing that has went wrong in my life and what I've could of done to stop it.

Just because I'm not sobbing infront of my family begging and asking for help doesnt mean I'm handling it well. I want to cry but I cant I've held my tears back for so long and so many times to the point were only my eyes can water. But the feelings deep inside of me is the most pain I could ever feel.

I wish I could be like some people where they can just pushing everything back and away and not feel anything. I pray sometimes I cant feel nothing but instead I can feel everything. Every single bad emotion that screams "it's your fault and that you dont belong here and that no one will miss you."

I told my aunt once who I felt close too and I thought she should be the first family member to know that I hurt myself and how my father called me a disappointment for doing it.

So I told her... and all she could say was you need a therapist. And once I heard those words I thought to myself. Why cant just someone ask or say; why did you do that? Are you okay? I'm here for you, you can tell me anything and I'll listen and I wont judge you what's so ever." You know the things I normally say to everyone else when they are going through tough times.

Since that day I've closed up me sharing things about myself. Writing these help me get my emotions out and makes me feel like someone has heard me.

It sucks when I'm only happy about for an hour or 2 but then for 8 hours or the rest of the day it's like hell.