my love- e.s. + l.b

4.

almost.

our lips touched...almost.

before anything could happen, emily got up. we decided to end our day and go back to the dorm. the ride home was filled with a deadly silence. emily got up, so that means that she doesn't like me. so why did i like her? why was i so upset she didn't like me?

once i got home, i laid in my bed for hours just looking at the ceiling overthinking everything. i hadn't seen em since we got home. i got a notification and checked my phone.

Em: courtyard outside the back entrance
8:00 p.m.
please come x

i checked the time and then closed my phone. it was 6:47 and i had thirteen minutes to get to the courtyard. i got up and put my hair into a ponytail and wiped the mascara from my cheeks. she probably wanted to talk about changing dorms. i was prepared for that. i wasn't going to cry because i don't think i could cry anymore than i already have.

i guess this is how it feels to feel heartbreak

i walked to the courtyard and saw emily sitting by the fountain surrounded by flowers, but it was dark and you couldn't enjoy the beauty that was emily and flowers. i sat about two feet away from emily. we sat there listening to the water for a few minutes.

"yesterday, i was ready to just disappear. i didn't have parents who loved me and i had no friends. then i opened my dorm door and saw you. and for the first time in a long time, i was happy. it felt like i could breathe without these voices in my head telling me i shouldn't. you saved me. something about you just turned my brain off and made me feel...alive. more alive than i've ever felt. i thought you were...an angel. and you were so kind. you're the first person i've ever told about me being bisexual besides my parents. it just felt so easy and so right to tell you. because i knew that somewhere, deep inside of my soul...i loved you. and that's the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.
last night, i heard you tossing and turning, because i was awake. and my mind was racing trying to get used to the fact that you were my soulmate. i wanted you to get to know me and feel comfortable with telling me anything so that's why we did all of those fun things today. and then you told me you were bi too...and then it felt too perfect. like everything was going to fall into place and then it'd just...fall apart. and i wanted you to know. that i didn't dodge the kiss because i didn't want it...i did it because i was scared to want it."

my tears started to flow like a waterfall down my face. i looked at emily and i hugged her tighter than i ever have. we cried into each other's arms for about a minute.

i let go of the hug and looked into her eyes.

"even if things did fall apart...i'd still have you." i held her hand and sighed. "how about..we just agree that we want to be together. and that's...that. we know we love each other, and if you feel more comfortable...we'll make it official." i smiled at her.

she sniffed and nodded. "yeah, that sounds good."

and with that, we walked back to the dorm hand in hand. we exchanged a few giggles trying to sneak back into the school because it was past curfew. when we got to our hall, finn was sitting outside of his dorm.

"hey finn, everything okay?" emily asked as we bent down next to him.

"yeah, i just needed some space from noah. he brought a...friend home from the mall. i just felt a little left out, i guess." he said taking a sip of his coke.

"you can come to our dorm, we were just going to watch a movie. plus if Dyer comes for bed check, you'll get in so much trouble if you're out here." i said.

i could see finn thinking about it. he was very visibly upset and i thought a movie could help that. i'd make some popcorn. he nodded and stood up.

we walked inside of our dorm to see annie watching some kind of soap opera. she was very invested in it.

"we're back! and finn's with us so can we please watch something other than Days of Our Lives?"

"sure, is everything alright?" annie presses record on the television and hands finn the remote and he smiled and nodded.

finn was a very sweet guy. i could tell his feelings for hurt easily. he was funny and kind. he didn't deserve to hurt, but everything happens for a reason, i guess.

we turned on We're the Millers and we sat and ate popcorn. emily has fallen asleep on my shoulder and finn was snoring on the couch beside of us and annie was laughing so hard at the movie.

for once, in my sorry life, i felt like this is where i was meant to be all along. with my best friends and my almost girlfriend. and that's the best feeling ever. i carried emily to our room and laid her down. i took her shoes off and set them in the corner and then covered her up. i got finn a blanket and then moved to the other couch with annie and we watched the movie together.

"so you and em, huh?" she said still keeping her eyes on the tv.

"yeah, kind of i guess." i started to blush thinking about it.

"you guys just existing makes me so happy." she smiled and then laid down on the couch to fall asleep. i smiled wide and then walked to my bed.
"goodnight my love." i whispered across the room to emily.

and even if she was asleep, knowing that i was saying goodbye to someone who i finally considered family gave me the comfort i needed to fall asleep.