I have many questions as I'm sure you do too. See, things never go as planned. Well at least they don't for me. In my 17 years of living things have never, as they say, "gotten better"
I've tried all you could think of.
The cutting, popping pills, drinking, suicide. But you see, it never worked. Death in itself is a very scary topic. Something a lot of people ignore due to its cold, dark demeanor. You always imagine something scary and horrid about death when yet, we each must come to terms with the fact that we will all stand before It. Not It stand before us, because death is far greater than any man. Death is scary. There's no doubt about that. It brings grief, sorrow, pain and so much more with it when we lose someone. No one ever really takes the time to think about their own death. I've thought about mine more than I've thought about my own future, and yet it still somehow seems like I don't know It when I've been face to face with It.
I have thought about many things to come, whether I'll have a good life. If happiness is real. If loneliness is actually inevitable, even though that is my most quoted saying. "Loneliness is inevitable." I'll bet you're thinking, "that's impossible. Everyone has someone." True, everyone does have someone, but do they feel accompanied? Do they feel like they can go to this so-called someone in time of need? Even if it's just to talk about their day, is that someone around to listen? So you see, loneliness is inevitable. But how did that come to be? As many who've suffered from anxiety, depression, anything like that, you know there's voices. Those voices make you do things. They whisper ever so silently, yet it's louder than any screams of anyone else.
I'm really sorry but I've lost my complete train of thought while writing this. I think it's safe to say I'm pretty much done with everything. Trying is too hard. Living is too hard. Dying is too hard. There's not really a whole lot left to look forward to. There's cuts and bruises that I don't know how they got there. Everyone else I know doesn't even want to be here and I've tried so hard to make them stay but like, I don't even want to stay myself. Everyone important to me is slitting their wrists open and inhaling alcohol like it's air. I tried to stay away from it all because it didn't help me no matter how much I used it. I kept going back over and over again to just be disappointed and let down again. I think you know where this is going. There's a list of songs that I'd like you to listen to. They were some of my favorites and they meant an awful lot. They made me smile. Some of you made me smile. A genuine smile, which became so hard to get out of me anymore. Some of you even, I just liked to hear your voice on the phone whether you were slurring, drunk out of your mind, or if you were heaving from crying, or if you were giggling and couldn't form a proper sentence. I loved it so much because you took your time to talk to me. I didn't even know some of you that long maybe just a few years, or a few months, but no matter the time. If you've found this and read it, I really needed you to. I don't think many would've actually searched it out. Good God if you've read this much then wow. Most people didn't like reading when I wrote a bunch. I would prefer if you didn't share this with anyone. I only let you find it for a reason. This isn't a suicide note if that's what you were wondering, but it's also not a promise I'm still here. I'm going to put my number and email down at the very bottom. You can leave me a message. But I cannot guarantee a reply. That's the thing about those voices. They always want you to push everyone away for some reason. Even people you love with your everything. Maybe they just like it alone and they don't like contradictions. I can never know. I'm not them. I really am grateful for a lot you know. There's many things to be thankful for. Can I tell you about my first concert?
Twenty One Pilots live in Dallas, Texas. November 7th, 2018.
I was pretty upset at first; I got bad seats. My grandfather took off work and we drove like 3 hours to this venue. The anxiety was so profound, I thought I'd puke. We were so high up, I could barely see anything. It was kind of sad because it cost a lot to get there and we aren't the richest people, but you know what? I still had fun. I cried. I liked the lights during Taxi Cab, watching the confetti fall during Trees, and seeing the band on the B-stage during some of the songs. It was amazing to me. And like, all those people there who knew the same songs, and were crying, and laughing, singing. I'll never forget that ever. Meeting my dad again was pretty neat. When we went to The Caddo Valley and went canoeing, I loved just wading in the river. Being in the woods just surrounded by trees was like home. It reminded me of the nights I'd disappear for hours into the woods behind our house. While everyone slept, I just sat outside. One with the wind and trees, as they opened their hearts and flooded me with their grace. A feeling I haven't had in years. I try to imagine it, but something like that is just too hard to envision. I think you're probably getting tired of me talking now. Or at least reading. I've written over 1000 words. I think that's more than I've spoken aloud in the sum of this year. I'll let you go now, since you probably need to get back to whatever you were doing. Please, have a good day. I know life isn't all that great, but when you start having better days, they become better weeks, then months, and years, and then a better life I guess. I never ever say goodbye, because goodbye means you're leaving forever, so I usually just say see you soon or ttyl since I text everyone. But I dont know if I'll talk to you later or see you soon, so until we meet again, goodbye.
~Audry
My number - (870) 648-2050
My email - purgeandblood@gmail.com
I love you ♡
Song list I'd like you to hear:
Little Wanderer // Death Cab for Cutie
Hold the Door // Armor for Sleep
Mustang // Asian Kung-fu Generation
Lemon // Kenshi Yonezu
I'm Drunk and Confused // sagun
Strawberry Swing // Coldplay
Poison // Cavetown
The Pit // Silversun Pickups
Just Ask // Weird Inside
m i s t // eevee
I Won't Let You Go // Switchfoot
Trapdoor // Twenty One Pilots
Transceiver // Itsue
Up Against the Wall // Boys Like Girls
My Beautiful Rescue // This Providence
Welcome Home, Son // Radical Face
We Are Broken // Paramore
Take A Walk // Passion Pit
Are You Bored Yet // Wallows
I think that's all. Sorry for keeping you here.
