A Risk I'm Willing to Take

Thirteen

"Orion I like the effort but I personally think that you should try — I grabbed a white t-shirt from a bag on the bed — wearing this under the shirt." I handed him the shirt. "Then you can wear the patterned shirt unbuttoned."

He nodded.

The clothes were slightly big on him. I tried texting Logan while I was in the store to find out what size he wore when he was fifteen, but Logan grew up outside of the country. He told me that size like I would know what that translated to in American sizes.

I tried going the all guys wear a medium route but even that was a little off. He was built just like Logan was at that age. Tall and lanky.

I don't know how I'm going to remember my kid's clothes and shoe sizes. I only had three kids and it was already confusing enough.

I could only imagine what it's going to be like when I finally settle down and have more kids.

Maybe I should start a notebook that I carry in my purse of notes on my kids. Shoes sizes, favorite foods, birthdays. So much to remember. How on Earth did my parents do it?

Orion walked back out from the bathroom with his new outfit. The pale blue sea shell button down shirt now hung open to show the crisp white t-shirt underneath.

I took one last look at the khaki cotton shorts he picked out.

"I think this is good." I turned around to face Logan. "What do you think, as a guy?"

"I think he looks very fifteen year old Instagram boy."

I swatted at his arm. "I think he looks like the boys I went high school with."

"I mean I wore mostly band tees and black jeans when I was his age." He shrugged.

I laughed. "Really, really—I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and squeezed him against my side—really tight black jeans."

He looked up at me. "Ok they weren't that tight."

"They were pretty tight." Marigold piped up from the other side of the bed.

I burst out laughing.

"They've been your kids for three and a half hours and you've already got them dissing me." Logan teased.

"I think you look amazing, Orion." I took a deep breath. "Next!"

Marigold jumped off the bed and ran back towards the bathroom.

Five minutes later she emerged in a white shirt with little pink flowers and swirly letters on the front and pale lemon colored shorts.

"Cuteeee." I crooned.

"Does it say flower child?" Logan chuckled.

Marigold stuck a pose. "Yes."

"Gemma, leave it to you to dress your kids in puns."

"Hey, she picked it out!"

"I thought it was funny because I'm Marigold and that's a flower." Marigold pouted.

"It is a great shirt, Marigold." "Logan's just teasing." I smacked his arm with the back of my hand.

After that came the hard part. I had to dress Lavender which shouldn't be incredibly hard. I mean she's like twenty pounds. Couldn't be too hard.

I looked around the hotel room. "Well..." I looked at the desk. "I guess that could be a changing table?"

Logan shrugged.

I laid out the changing mat. I sat Lavender down on top of it.

She sat there giving me the stink eye like she knew I didn't know what I was doing.

"Don't judge me, Lavender."

I shook my arms out. "Ok. I got this."

I looked at Lavender's white dress for a second. The only fastener on it was a small white button on the back up by the collar.

I unbuttoned but it still didn't look like it'd get over her head.

I lifted the bottom hem and tried to get it over her little head.

She fussed as it got caught up on her cheeks.

I started to panic. I didn't want to hurt her. I quickly stuck my finger between her face and the collar of the dress. With one quick tug it came off.

I let out a sigh of relief.

Now only pants and a diaper. I took a deep breath. I got this.

Turns out it's pretty hard to dress someone who can't really help you a whole lot.

Unfortunately getting Lavender undressed and dressed was not the hardest part of that ten minute ordeal.

I had changed a diaper like three times in my life. I had younger siblings but I also had controlling parents. They were so determined to keep me a child forever that I never really learned skills like this.

I remember the time I ran off to my friend's to open a bank account. I knew I had to defy. I knew I was an adult and had rights but still. It's hard to trust yourself to be independent when you're just someone's doll.

I remember the hot tears that rolled down my cheeks as I drove away from the bank that evening two months before I left for college. I remember looking at the sunset. Parents should be there. I needed someone to lean on and guide me on how to be responsible.

My children were never going to have those memories. From that moment we ran out into the desert I committed.

I wanted to be a good parent, a mom who has it figured out. I didn't want to let my kids down. How could do what I'd never been taught?

It didn't matter though. Maybe it'll take ten minutes now but I'll get it. I'd climbed mountains before. I'd been teaching myself how to be an adult for four years now. I could teach myself how to be a parent.

Changing a diaper is hard now and trying to give them advice is confusing but I'll learn.

My parent's biggest flaw was that they didn't care who I was or who I wanted to be. All they cared about was how they could control me and manipulate me into being a blind follower.

I don't know much, but I know I'll never be my parents.