No Escape, a Team Fortress 2 Story.

Being drunk

The bastards, they turned off the lights while ol'demoman was having a good drink. Now I can't see shiet! All I gots now is me bottle of whiskey and nothin else. Those scoundrels left me for dead! All ain't over yet for Tavish, cause ye family never gives up and neither will aye!

I hear devil sounds in the dark and it sounds like me head is going mad again. It hasn't been this dark since me eye was lost for the eye lander. Vile Merasmus! When ye get me hands on you, I will tear you apart limb from limb. Ye godly wizard ain't good for nothing other than being a good ol'bean bag for me arse! If Scout really has all that magic Merasmus was babbling about, then mostly everyone is screwed like an infected ballsack. But not I, cause I tell ya, ye eyelander has Merasmus's magic as well! Good thing, eyelander is with me or else it would be dark in ye room. Me missing eyesocket is glowing with magic and now I can see through the dark as if it were daytime.

I hear ruckus up ahead, but ye eyelander will settle that. I charge in like a enraged bull and see a huge bottle with legs and arms. It be the largest whiskey bottle I'd ever seen in me life!!! And it's filled with alcohol to the brim. It beckons me for a drink, boy, I sure will. I let out a loud whoopie of excitement and wince at the loudness of it. For ye eyes might be limited, but me ears are still good as any other. The bottle of goodness begins to waddle like a penguin towards me smiling face, and ye swear to hear Engineer reply back very far away. Me mind really is going bonkers, with a giant whiskey bottle and now hearing best friend, Engineer, sounding like he be buried underneath 100 pounds of Mann. Co Crates. Ye can't find opening in the giant bottle, so I take a good swing with the eyelander just like how Ma used to do when I didn't behave right. The giant bottle has a bigggg crack and all the alcohol is leaking out. Ye will suck it up, so the ground ain't sticky with dried whiskey.

This whiskey is good, better than anything else ye has ever tasted in my life. Oof, I feeeeeeeeling a litttttle drunnnnnnnnmkkkk nooooooooooooowwww...... Mooooooooorrreeeee Whissssssssskkkkeeeyyyy fooooooooorrrrrrr meeeeeeeeeeeee. Ye hicccccuuuuuppppps haaaaaaaaaaave starrrrrrrrrted uuuuuuuuuuuup aaaaaaagaaaaiiiiin, and I am feeeeeeling a littttttttttle sleeeeeeepy.

Errrughurrghhhhhhh, where am I? The lights are so bright and shiny........Let me stand up to get a better look, huh, ye has been stopped by an invisible barrier. Let me try again with me fists. Ye hands don't seem to be working, hmmmmm..... Wait a bloooody minute, ye is now in the whiskey bottle. How did I get in it? The hole is gone as well for some stupid reason, this must be Scout messing with Tavish! Ye will find a way, whew, ye breathing is quite heavy. The cap is screwed on tight and ye can feel the oxygen decreasing in here. This ain't how Tavish imagined how he would die, in a bottle of whiskey..... One final drop of whiskey for the road I guess. No, it can't be. The bloody Scout.you cocky, son of a b***, motherf*******, *******, ****, I can't taste the whiskey! Me tongue isn't working! Ye body already shutting down because of you, without whiskey, nothing matters anymore.

Old me don't want to go through withdrawal again, cause the last time, Ye went into a coma and almost died. I need me working tongue back and fast. Ye legs feel weak without whiskey, and I fall on the ground. Please, let me taste just one drop of that fucking whiskey, and I won't ever hurt you again.

Aye, thanks Scout. I see you now, ye small snake, smiling at me from outside the bottle. Ye hands don't look so good with that magic surrounding it, and is that me precious eyelander? You damned piece of shit, you hereticccc, you stole me sword?!!! Without it, Merasmus's power won't give me strength. Let me out of this fucking bottle, Scout, or ye will break out myself. No, dont bend the sword like that. It ain't very malleable! Be gentle, and now look what ye have done! You fucking broke it, you clumsy oaf! I can feel blood coming out of the eyesocket where me missing eye was. It's splashing everywhere and on the ground. Scout, when I come out of this bottle, I'm going to beat your ass till it falls off, ye here me? What? I didn't know your father was the Spy, and I can care less. Aye, I understand Scout about the father thing. Me only father only abused me and told me to work another 50 jobs, he never understood me. Ye know, I started drinking when I was 15. Ye, young alcoholic I am, and am a proud one as well. Whiskey was a more a father than my real father ever was. Hell, he didn't even send Christmas cards while I was at work!

You will give me taste back? Thank the heavens, Scout, now ye can taste everything. The blood in me mouth, it doesn't taste like blood, it tastes like whiskey?!!! Scout, what did you do? Change it, Scout, ye don't want to be tasting blood all me life. Oh, but this blood tastes so gooodddd. Ye have another lick, maybe this change is alright. Ye blood just keeps on coming and ye have a nice cozy home in this bottle. Aye, this seems like the dream life. Maybe, me other eye has more of this whiskey blood as well. I know Scout, tearing out the other functioning eye ain't very smart, but that is where the blood is and its all coming now. Scout, ye ever have that itch that you never seem to be able to reach, but when you finally hit the spot, boy is it fucking good. This is exactly like that, because after all, ye other eye has always been itching to be taken off. Am, boy is it good to have it out. The blood, I feel it falling into me hands like ye hands are in the sink, collecting all the blood to drink! Me eyeball even has a little bit of blood in it, and I lick it to make sure all the blood has been sucked out. Thank you, Scout! I'm feeling strong again.

Ye know, the Medic was telling me about a little something called an artery. Says there is a massive artery filled with blood in me neck. I'm blind now with me eyes gone, but I can still feel me neck just fine with my hands. Warm blood sticks to me neck, and I sense the blood pulsing in that thick artery, waiting to be squirted out. I stab with me nails, and dig, and claw at me neck and I have hit it. The blood, it is coming out in great spurts lie a geyser, this is heaven! I am already excited to taste it Scout, you got to-Ach, Hach, Hahch, Ach. My neck is bleeding very badly, I can even feel bone with my fingers. I must have dug too far, but ye family of Demoman never gives up. And neither will I, Tavish, and I will survive to to the end. But, the pain, it is so terrible.....I need the whiskey again, not blood, to numb the pain away and make all me problems vanish like magic....