No Escape, a Team Fortress 2 Story.

Eagles and Stripes

I am AMERICAAAAA! I don't fear the dark, the dark fears me! I shall find a way out of this dark void, even if it means killing myself to escape! Good thing I have my trusty shovel and bucket with me, or else all would be lost! Hah, take that dark impenetrable blackness, I HAVE A WEAPON AND YOU DON'T!!! HOW WILL YOU CRIPPLE ME NOW?!!!!

NOW I CAN ATTACK! SHOVEL BASH! SWING! SLAP! KICK! DIE NEVER-ENDING DARKNESS! It seems conventional attacks don't seem to work against the abstract darkness, perhaps psychological attacks might work. HALT! IF YOU CONTINUE TO MOLEST MY BODY, I SHALL CALL THE POLICE AND LET THEM DEAL WITH YOU! WE WILL SEE HOW YOU FEND IN JAIL, VOID OF BLACK! HAHAHAHAHA! IM CALLING THE POLICE RIGHT NOW! NOW WHAT WAS THE NUMBER FOR THE POLICE DEPARTMENT? TELL ME MELANCHOLY DARKNESS THAT I HAVE JUST THREATENED, WHAT IS THE NUMBER FOR THE POLICE? AH! SO YOU ARE A TOUGH GUY HUH? WELL, I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW, I INTERROGATED MULTIPLE HARDCORE NAZIS IN POLAND FOR THEIR CRIMES, AND A FEW CIVILIANS AS WELL AFTER I BROKE INTO THEIR HOM......TRYING TO KEEP ME MONOLOGUING HUH? IM MUCH MORE HARDER TO CRACK THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN BEING, FOR YOU SEE I HAVE A METAL BUCKET ON MY HEAD AT THE VERY MOMENT AND THEREFORE THAT MAKES ME INDESTRUCTIBLE!

STOP! DO NOT COME ANY CLOSER, LOOMING DARKNESS! REMEMBER, I WILL CALL THE POLICE ON YOU AND YOU WILL BE PUT INTO JAIL! NO, I AM NOT CRAZY BECAUSE YOU ARE MY ENEMY, AND I WILL NEVER GIVE IN UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN DEFEATED! I MEAN I AGREE WITH HOW TALKING WITH THE LITERAL DARKNESS AS A LITTLE BIT CRAZY, BUT I KNOW YOU ARE ONLY TRYING TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE PRESSING PROBLEM AT HAND: YOU!

Now, I have it in my hands. Soon, I shall banish this darkness away and it shall be light again. Wait a moment, hands don't come out of the darkness. STAND BACK! DO NOT ASSULT ME WITH YOUR HANDS! NO! DON'T GO FOR THE HELMET, I MEAN BUCKET, DO NOT TAKE THE BUCKET OFF MY HEAD OR I WILL BECOME WEAKENED! DAMN IT, THE HANDS HAVE THE BUCKET, NOW THE DEATH LASERS FROM THE DARKNESS CAN REACH MEEEE!! I CAN ALREADY FEEL MY SKIN MELTING OFF! I WON'T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT , BECAUSE I STILL HAVE MY SHOVEL, SUN TZU! YES THAT IS RIGHT, I DID NAME MY SHOVEL AFTER THE WAR GENERAL OF CHINA AND YES, I BELIEVE THAT THE SHOVEL IS THE REINCARNATION OF SUN TZU! WHACK! BLOCK! STAB! KICK! SLAP! WEAVE! DODGE! UPPERCUT! PUNCH! BLOCK! SHIT, MY SHOVEL HAS BROKEN! I WILL DESTROY YOU! BECAUSE I HAVE TEN GRENADES CURRENTLY STRAPPED TO MY BODY AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO LET THEM ALL EXPLODE!

WAIT, ARE YOU CHALLENGING ME TO A GOOD OLD FISTFIGHT DUEL TO THE DEATH LIKE REAL MEN, DARKNESS? I ACCEPT! I see a man step out of the darkness sporting a curious moustache, and I see that he is literally stacked with muscle. If he hadn't been wearing a red armband on his sleeve showcasing the NAZI symbol, I would have definitely praised him for his strength. After all, this man did have four arms instead of two. "Herr Soldier, I have heard of your impressive genocide of my men, so I have come to challenge you once more. If you kill me, you receive the metal bucket I stole from you, and if I kill you....Well.........goodbye Herr Soldier!" said the nazi soldier. Except, I recognised him as someone I have yearned for years to murder. This was the man I have dreamed about and have thought about in silent fantasies. "Adolf Hitler, I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE!"

"Ja, Herr Soldier, I hope you brought a hand today, because I sure brought an extra pair! " Then, Adolf Hitler flexed his four massive arms, where even I had to admit that the muscles on his arms were larger than my head. This would be a tough duel, but AMERICANS NEVER PLAY FAIR, AND I AM THE MOST AMERICAN MAN OUT THERE! "FOR FREEDOM AND GOD!!!" I roared as I charged towards Hitler. I saw his face curl into a sneer and suddenly he opened his mouth and out came out a hazy fog that burned my eyes and ears. My lungs were sucked dry of oxygen and I began to asphyxiate on the ground. "WHAT.....IS.......THIS....." I gasped as Adolf close his mouth. "You surely have heard of it, no? ZIS IS THE GAS THAT KILLED THE JEWS, AND NOW IT SHALL BE USED TO CLAIM YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS FROM ME, HERR SOLDIER, BUT I GUESS YOU ARE ACTUALLY AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAh!"

I watched with harsh breaths as Adolf Hitler began to transform into Scout. YOU SLIMEY WORM, YOU SOM OF A BITCH! YOU UN-AMERICAN SCUMBAG! YOU HAVE-ACH, COUGH, HACH.....

I should have known.....Why Scout, Why?

Scout stares at my face, blood pooling around my mouth as the gas worked through my body. He then says, voice growing to that of rage, "YOU ARE A FAILURE, YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO ME! YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR COUNTRY, YOU HAVE FAILED EVERYONE! YOU ARE NO SOLDIER OF AMERICA, WHEN YOU CANT EVEN DEFEAT ONE MEASLY NAZI! YOU WILL PERISH AS ANOTHER WASTEFUL PILE OF SHIT THAT NEVER REVEALED TO ME THAT SPY WAS MY FATHER!"

Those words dug deep into into my fractured mind, and I began to give up. The last part really confused me though, and I asked with a wheezing breath, "Wait a minute, Spy is your father?"

And then, I lost consciousness forever.