The Way I Spoke // Phan

~ Chapter One ~

Dan's pov

Are people staring at me? Oh god they are. Why am I sweating so much? Why is it cold sweat? Ok ok I gotta breathe. I need to breathe. Shit shit shit shit.

I sat in my seat at the very back in the corner, digging my nails into my clammy palms. I shamefully ran my hand through my hair. It'd curl now because of the sweat. Why was it so hard to literally just walk? I sighed as the classroom filled and Mr. Milbram rolled his eyes as studied the delinquents he'd be partly teaching this year. He looked weary despite the whole summer we had to recuperate. A summer which I grasped at desperately but also loathed as I had more time to wallow in my loneliness and have existential crisis upon existential crisis.

And as I sighed at the familiarity and routine of the whole school I felt my shakiness begin to decrease and my breathing to morph from a person who was just chased by a cheetah to what a normal person's heart rate sitting at a normal desk on a normal school day should be.

Mr. Milbram gave us our new schedule for the senior year and I felt the panic rise again as I saw more new names and new classrooms. I know my mum was telling me this morning over the rushed breakfast of granola that I have a big fear of change, and the new year will help me fight that fear. However, I know it'll just make things worse. If I can just stick to my routines I'll be absolutely fine. And I know anyway that she'll forget about how I'll be doing in a week. She doesn't have time. She's like a seal, my mum. Makes brief appearances above the water and makes sure I'm not dead, then dives right back down into the ocean - the life she lives without me - the jobs, the men she meets at the bars where she spends the majority of her hard earned money.

Just then the door swung open and there stood Phil Lester. I wasn't surprised he was late - he always was last year. Over the summer his raven hair had grown a little longer and framed his pale face. His crystal blue eyes were like diamonds, as hard as diamonds too. Phil always had a permanent look of disinterest, which would quickly flip into anger in one short breath. A white T-Shirt clung to his muscular torso under an open leather jacket. 

"- so please don't lose these I can't be bothe- ah! Mr. Lester's decided to join us everyone! A round of applause for Philip, he's only fifteen minutes late. Good start to the year, Phil." Mr. Milbram smirked sarcastically. Phil took his seat in front and flipped him off once he turned around.

I managed to get through almost all of my lessons today, something I did not think would happen in a lifetime. During Spanish I could feel myself growing light-headed and going to space, but I had my Spanish teacher before and Mrs. Costello was nice to me and smelled of flowers and mint. She knew about my panic attacks and let me go outside for a while. Before I came back into class she tiptoed into the empty hallway and smiled at me.

"Daniel are you feeling better now? Ah you have your water. Look, Dan, I know that coming back to school is hard, and everything changes but stays the same too. It's weird. And I know you think you're alone, but trust me, I've been in your shoes. Come talk to me anytime."

Lunch consisted of me eating my food outside underneath my favourite large oak tree. It gave great shade from the sun and the ground hardly got wet in the rain, but most importantly it was away from everyone. Now and then a crowd of people would walk past shouting and laughing, but I couldn't be seen at all.

Well, that was what I thought. A tall, slim guy with blond hair approached me. He looked down at me and I plucked a twig from the ground and fiddled with it.

"You Dan Howell?" He crossed his arms.

"Uh-h yeah."

"Cool. I need you to do me a favour."

"Do-do I know you?" I asked quietly.a

"No. But I'm Tommy. I know you're good at all that literature shit. I need this English project done but I gotta do basketball practise most of this week."

I stayed silent.

"Ok ok tell you what, you do this for me and not only do you avoid getting a black eye, you get £30 and an invite to a party on the beach next Saturday. God knows you need some alcohol in you mate."

I closed my eyes and felt the familiar knot in my stomach. "I guess, uh, ok."

I silently cursed myself as he informed me of the details and jogged back to his friends. I sat through the last of my lessons contemplating what I had just done.

-

I walked home slowly, taking the long way behind the small forest. Mostly it was used for teenage parties and sex but that was mainly at night. Hardly anyone else walked this way. I took my time to feel calmed by the soft breeze sifting through the leaves. I sat on a tree stump and pulled my sketchbook out. Drawing a stately tree with an abundance of clumps of glistening dark green leaves, I put my earbuds in and listened to music. I loved art. It made me feel complete. Like I wasn't an anxiety-ridden boy with no friends. Art made me somebody.

Before I knew it the shadows cast by the trees were darker and the leaves seemed to sit on the branches spookier. I checked the time and I realised how late I was. I rushed home to begin Tommy's project considering I had nothing better to do.