I stare at the computer screen in horror. Whore, slut, bitch, cheater, fat. I couldn't believe all these people think these things about me. I slam it shut and run to the bathroom with tears on my cheeks. I take my jacket off. I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I'm pale, skinny, and beautiful. Can't they all see that. I grab Ryan's razor and sit on the toilet; staring at it. Throwing the razor at the wall I grab my hair and scream.
"Eleanor?" Chris calls down the hall. He peeks into the bathroom and his eyes drop to the razor on the floor. "Eleanor?"
"I'm fine!" I scream. He flinches and steps into the bathroom. I cover my face with my hands. Sobs break through my chest and I feel Chris hold me. He pulls me off the toilet and I'm held to his chest.
"What's wrong baby?"
"It's stuff people are saying. It hurt me and I really wanted to do it. I was going to do it, but you came home."
"Have you done it before?" I nod and more tears fall. Chris takes a shaky breath and something wet hits my arm. I look up to see him crying also. "When?"
"The last time was a couple weeks before I met you. I don't know what came over me. I read stuff on twitter about me and it just hit me. I just want the pain to end Chris."
"I will save you from yourself baby. I promise because I love you and I can't lose you. I'm a selfish greedy asshole and you won't leave my side." I laugh and tightly hug Chris around the neck.
"You're not an asshole. Okay? You're perfect and wonderful and fantastic. Plus you smell great all the time. Now that I have you in my life, I can't possibly image life without you. I love that you're selfish and greedy, but you're also selfless, kind, generous, and sweet. You took me in when I had no one."
"Eleanor?"
"Yes?" I look into his eyes and smile at the way he looks at me. Love, adoration, and like I was the most important thing to him in the world.
"Come with me? I'm going to get a tattoo." We stand then go to Chris's car together. I watch the scenery change and a certain amount of peace washes through me. Chris pulls into the parking lot of the tattoo place I've been to twice now. Chris jumps out then runs to my side to open my car door. I smile and he reaches for my hand. "I love you so much baby."
"I love you too. I'm sorry for even thinking of harming myself." I look down ashamed. I can't believe I even thought to be so selfish. I didn't even stop to think of what Chris would feel if I hurt myself.
"Really love, it's absolutely fine. I'm just glad I came home when I did." We enter the shop and Chris tells me to sit down. He talks to a man behind the desk and then follows him. I look at my phone and start playing angry birds.
"Do you have an appointment?" a woman asks. I look up from my phone at her.
"No, my boyfriend is getting a tattoo and told me to sit here."
"Okay."
"Is anyone open for one?" I ask. Her eyes brighten and she nods.
"I am. What are you wanting to get done?" I stand and go up to her.
"On my hip I have scars. I want them covered up."
"How old are they?"
"Six months. I almost cracked today and did it again."
"It will be alright sweetie. What are you wanting done?"
"I just want it to say his name. Chris Cerulli."
"In cursive? Or in a script?"
"The most beautiful script you can find. And I will want it to cover it. I don't want it tiny. I don't do tiny."
"Alright." She grins and starts writing his name. "How do you spell his last name?" I tell her and she nods. In five minutes she has it written and I'm taken to a back room. I pull my shirts down and part of my underwear for her to press the paper to my skin. She then takes a sharpie and marks other things to it also. "I'm adding the outlines of where I'm going to put some shading and color to brighten it up and give it color. Is there any colors you want specifically?"
"Red. It's his favorite." She nods and I lay on my side for her to start.
"This spot may hurt. It's one of those fifty fifty spots. It hurts some but doesn't hurt the others."
"Alright. Will you hand me my phone? I'm going to text Chris." She grabs my phone and I pull up my text messages.
Me:: Hey I'm in the back room getting tattooed. If you finish first come on back. Knock twice.
My Baby:: Okay. I'll be done in five. What are you getting?
Me:: Not saying. It's a secret. What are you getting?
My Baby:: Its also a secret. Where is yours?
Me:: My hip. Where's yours?
My Baby:: My side. Left or right?
Me:: Left. It's going to cover my old scars. I want my past to disappear and be erased.
We text back and forth a few more times until I stop because the pain is to much. She's going over scarred tissue so I guess it would hurt more.
"Sorry. I have to press it harder in some places because of your scars. You'll go numb soon. I hope at least." A tear falls from my eye and then two knocks come from the door.
"It's Chris," I say. He comes in shirtless and a bandage on his left side. "Hey."
"Hey. Oh my god you're crying. Does it hurt?" he rushes over and pulls my hair from my face. I nod at his question then reach for his hand. Our fingers lace together and I bite my lip.
"I'm almost done. About five to ten more minutes. You're doing great honey. Don't move to much, okay?"
"Yeah. Okay," I whisper taking a deep breath. The next few minutes fly by and when I hear the iron turn off I let out a sigh of relief. She wipes my tattoo off and rubs on the healing ointment. I jump down from the seat bench thing and look in the mirror. Chris's name is red, outlined in black with white and grey highlights behind it. I gasp when I see some random red, purple and a midnight blue in the grey also. "It's... its... It's beautiful. Thank you!" I hug the woman and turn to Chris.
"You.... my.... Baby," Chris stands and kisses me passionately. The woman tapes a bandage to my hip and we leave the room. "When we get home I'll show you mine."
"Okay. Do you really like it? My new tattoo?"
"Like it? I fucking love it Eleanor. Not as much as I am in love with you though."
