Too Easily Lost - A Josh Cuthbert/Union J Fanfiction

Twenty-Nine

+ Elissa's POV +

Ever since I was eight years old, I was obsessed with children.

I loved them; I loved their laughs, their personalities and the innocence they radiate. My objective in life was simple: get married and have children.

I had the names already picked out; James, Sarah and Scarlett. James would be the oldest, so he could look after his sisters. Sarah and Scarlett would be two years apart.

So imagine my surpise when my fifteenth year of life passed and I was told I am unable to have children.

My entire world was crushed. All of my hopes and dreams of raising my children in an ordinary house and watch them bloom into sensible, mature adults. I tried to find a way to have children, but the doctor never reported back with any success.

I know it's unnecessary that I was so hung up on the fact that I couldn't carry on my bloodline, but that's how it was. I had always known that I'd be a mother; only to find out that that was never my objective in life.

So I bought a large house in a tiny village. I set up an orphanage. Lacey, Daniel, Dean and Amber where my first wardens. When Dean was adopted, three babies, one boy and two girls, were put in my care.

The boy was two years old, while the girls were both eight months: twins. Despite the children's unfortunate past, I was ecstatic. Finally, my dreams were coming true! I named them after my own lost children. But they too where all adopted before they'd reached their fifth year of life. I had other children, but I felt robbed again. Why couldn't I have my own family?

But there, at the orphanage, I had a purpose. These children needed me, and I wasn't going to let them down. Three years later, when I was thirty-five, Skylar landed in my care.

The horror I felt when the policeman told me of the crimes her own father committed was undurable. Suddenly, my years of moping were put into a new perspective and as I saw the patterned cuts and bruises and the dead look in the little girls eyes, I was glad that my plan had not worked out so I could help this little girl.

I never did understand Skylar Jones. She wasn't clingy, not at all like the other children. She was quiet, and developed a knack for slipping past me silently. Due to her traumatic past, I didn't think anything of these quirks. But when I heard her scream for the first time in her sleep, that was when I wept for the life stolen from this little girl. It was Skylar who had been robbed, Skylar who the fates did not look down on kindly, not me. Never me. And I had the audacity to cry for something that I never had.

It was thanks to Skylar that I finally moved on from my grief.

And now I was watching her die.

Seeing Skylar crumpled on the hospital bed after attempting to take her life broke my heart. I thought of the good days we had; making cookies and cakes for her birthday, inventing new smoothie flavours to raise money for Macmillan and Christmas time. I never thought, on these good days, that she had it in her to take her life.

And the truth pressed down on me, making it hard to think. Never again would I hear her grumble as she had to get up. Never would I see her look at herself in the mirror to fix her hair. I'd never hug her, to feel her boney limbs protude into me. I'd never see her beautiful eyes again, the same eyes I'd marvel every morning on the days she'd come down to breakfast.

My grief for Skylar was stronger than it ever was for the imaginary James, Sarah and Scarlett.

"So... I think it's time to turn off the ventilator." Dr Martinez whispered as though careful not to wake her.

And then, despite everything I know, I desperately didn't want Skylar to die. I wanted her to grow up, become something, get married and have kids.

And when I look at Josh Cuthbert, there's no doubt that he'd be the one Skylar would end up with. The way he looked at her! It was the look I always imagined someone giving me. I wonder if he'll be okay once she dies.

And then it hit me that I couldn't just watch her die. I refused to see her stop breathing, for her skin to turn even paler and the flush in her cheeks and lips to go. I refused.

"I'm sorry everyone, but I can't watch this. I'll wait in the other room." I mumbled, stumbled over to Skylar's bed and kissed her on the forehead like I'd done thousands of times before. My lips lingered as I realised this would be the last.

"I love you, Skylar," I breathed, closed my eyes and walked out of the room without looking back.

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I had waited for thirty minutes in the room next door until the door crashed open and Josh appeared.

"She's gone." He croaked, his voice breaking and tears erupting from his shaking form. I got up to embrace him and guided him to the sofa.

"Josh - she's happy now." I said as he sobbed while desperately clutching me, as though I was his mother.

"It's just... SHE'S GONE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" He screamed and tightened his grip as though I was reality and he was trying to hold on to his sanity.

"It is not your fault Josh, okay? Skylar turned into the person she is today through means which happened before she even knew who you were. So don't you dare be so arrorgant as to think it was your fault her father turned into the man he did, or that she watched her mother die or that she was scarred emotionally and physically as a child. Don't you dare waste your life like she did dwelling on the past. It is not what she wants. She'll want you to move on, like we all know you will, eventually." Harsh, I know, but sometimes the harsher words are the ones we most need to hear.

"But it's going to be so hard," he gasped, failing miserably as he tried to regain control of his emotions.

"It will be hard, of course. You lost your girlfriend of a couple of months, correct? Loosing anyone is hard. I lost my child of ten years. Liv lost her best friend she's had for the majority of her youth. Imagine trying to get to terms over that. I-I don't know how long it will take - if ever - until I can come to terms of the tragic life of Skylar Jones. I don't know."

There was silence for three minutes and forthy-three seconds.

"You're right, of course you're right. I just hoped that she'd get better... because I'd be with her." He pulled back then to look at my face. I looked at him fondly.

"Hope... sometimes leads us down the wrong path. Sometimes hope only exists in our hearts rather in our heads. And it is in these devestating times as we're faced with losing those closest to us that we need to to make decisions based on cold hard facts rather than our emotions. When their lives are in our hands, we cannot afford to gamble on hope." I whispered and the tears which had been building up tumbled down, down, down.

We cried over what we've lost until the tears ran dry and our companions returned. Liv came to curl up next to me, playing with her hair and trying not to look too sad. Jaymi and George held one of Josh's hand each, while JJ had excused himself to go to his fiance and son.

And that's how it went. Eventually when a nurse came in and told us we all have to go home, we smiled sadly to eachother. Home is another misconception of human lives. Home gives us an illusion that we are safe, and nothing can harm us. But sometimes, the worse things can happen behind close doors of our own homes.

The nurse looked at us in bewilderment. I'd heard from Dr Martinez that most of the personal in the hospital disapproved of our choice. As there was brain movement detected, why didn't we let her recover?

I smiled slightly to the nurse and tightened my grasp on Liv and Josh's hand as we walked out.

"In the end, I believe letting her go was the ultimate act of love."