Too Easily Lost - A Josh Cuthbert/Union J Fanfiction

Thirty-Two

                Josh

A little blue book is waiting.

A blue book - but what? I'm too confused to think about what was waiting for me; I was only focused on getting to the tour bus.

Our clothes were all still crammed into the closets. We should all have packed up by now, but with the... distractions, we've had other things to worry about. I pawed through the shelf with my tops and trousers, but found nothing. I skipped my underwear and sock draw, somehow knowing that Skylar wouldn't go in there except to laugh at my Spongebob underwear the way she did when she walked in on me and George fighting with sword balloons. That was the Last Good Day. We were all happy, anyway.

My hands found my nightwear, and I started to get frustrated as I began to throw my clothes all around the room. I'd just chucked my monkey onesie at the wall when I heard an audible thunk.

I dove onto the little blue book.

The Fault In Our Stars. By John Green.

I should have known; this was the one book Skylar told me she connected with. Though she loved Harry Potter's world and Katniss Everdeen's adventures, she had never experienced the soul-touching connection John Green fabricates in his masterpiece.

I shook the book, but nothing fell out. I flipped through the pages until, on the last pages, I saw a scrawl of writing in normal, messy hand I knew as well as my own.

Josh –

                There‘s so much I wanted to tell you. But I’m out of time. No one else can buy me a minute which will then by me an hour and then a day. You, you beautiful boy, have given me more than I could ever have had. You gave me you, and I was allowed to experience the same love I imagined Hazel and Augustus shared: though they disagreed, they were in an agreement of their love for each other.

Now why did I choice to write this parting note in my favourite book? I want you to read it, Josh. Read it, and question your significance for the world. Are you really so important? Right now, no, you’re not. The world has other boy bands. But in the future?  What else will you accomplish? I could have dated the inventor of nuclear fusion for all I know. You could save the world and hunt down Nazi’s. I don’t know. And isn’t there a certain beauty in not knowing? To not knowing about oblivion or having time or getting cancer or dying. I think there is. I think it makes you stronger, because you can imagine the endless possibilities without knowing which one will ever come true.

                But it’s important for you to know that I always knew this would be my end. I found peace in looking at the bottom of, say, a cliff than leaving scars on my future children or you. I couldn’t live with myself if I carried on this relationship; to me you were sunshine, but I was a drug to you.

                I know how guilty you become when things happen around you whom you think you can protect. You said you wanted to help me get over my depression, and although I appreciated the thought and sincerity, there was no over; my depression is me, and I am my depression. You can’t separate one without killing the other. And I wanted to kill my depression, Josh, so I had to remove myself from the equation of life. I wanted to end my relationship with the pocket knife and establish a healthy diet with food. So don’t spend the next years looking at the bottom of a whisky glass or reaching for the next spiff: ENJOY LIFE. Go out and have sex and go on holiday and do all the things I never did. Live. Please. For me.

I love you, Josh Cuthbert, I do.  

Get over me someday, please.

I mean, I know it’ll be hard (this is when I do the amazingly sassy hair flip) but I’m sure someone like you can manage it. You’re a big boy, Josh, and it’s time you start living a big life.

                Look after my heart, I’ve left it with you until I come back and collect it when you don’t need it anymore,

        Skylar, semi-professional-romantic-atmosphere-breaker. X

Goddamit Skylar, always ruining the moment. Tears leaked down my face, but I was smiling. Smiling, because on this piece of paper there was a treasure. Here was the real Skylar Jones.

And I love you, Skylar Jones.

I think I'll be alright.