I could've been her

Beginning of time

The times are different , the air I breathe is different , I walk with the upmost respect , love and care for myself . Loosing  myself was the worst but best journey ever , seeking inner peace embarked me on a journey that led me to you reading this book . So much has happened in what seems forever but it's not been that long , Refining yourself and getting back to the basics is like building a strong foundation to your house. This time I'm building my house and no one shall rent , intrude nor violate me , and only serious buyers cause they say 3xs a charm so I've had 2 renters and the last one must buy there's no other way . I'm introducing you to the various shades of Ashley , she started off shy timid and scary but she grew to be fearless ,intelligent and powerful because she controls her own fate not those scars that are invisible to the naked eye , she was once dead on the inside for a while but today she has used all the pain and hurt to be beautiful inside and out , I chose to live and not to die , so many are dying to live while others are living to die . It's a messed up culture , we bury ourselves in drugs & alcohol but the pain still there. Drowning in our sorrows thinking that's the only way but it isn't , but that is just the way we are conditioned to cope.
     The life I had it started off like a fairytale it didn't seem real coming from around the  way seeing people live  in poverty, generational curses , babies having babies , and women pregnant with their  teenage kids .  These generational curses would continue to haunt and my family , it was a bunch of wolves in sheep clothing preying on the family of venerable women with majority of daughters as children and had the sense of " needing a man" so that led to them having men touching their children  , domestic violence, family rivalry , and babies having babies with no husband or fathers being around. We are talking about a group of women that lacked the basic principles of life , they had babies but no education and it didn't even have to be academic education they lacked morality education because we only go off of what we see and these where the  examples at hand so  this is what they went by women sleeping behind each other making babies with guys that aren't theirs ,but these men preyed and knew they could do what they wanted. Seeing your family not treat each other as such , the jealousy and envy that lies in the family it is such a terrible thing , everyone is in competition with the next person trying to  outshine them when everybody struggling but in their mind they have to out due them so it's a constant race , the situation is so bad that they have passed it to their children and their children act un-kid like because they have some type of restored hatred for you because of how their parents feel about you it's just a sad sight because no one is together or is unified unless it's a death and after a couple months its back to normal . no one wants to see their family do well but will see their friends do great or they play a game of favoritism where they praise one specific person because of what they doing and they think it could be beneficial to them but it's sad when your own family is segregated , so if thou do anything outside of what I just said or not wanting to live in the projects or do negro shit you are outcast because they feel like you think your better when you don't and it's the decisions you make which are better not the person per say because you could've went the same route but you didn't so don't judge me for trying to better myself & not be a statistic I seen better and I want better , everybody approach a little different .  This is a journey that I'm willing and ready to tell the world because it's some suburban project girl that needs this story , I share the balance that everyone is looking for I started life in the burbs and ended it in the hood . you have project girls wanting to be suburban  & vice versa but I actually have lived both and I like the medium that I have because without it  I'll be chasing either or so I'm humbled and blessed to have lived on both sides of the fence.  This is a tale from the quiet streets of Hudson Ohio to The Land (Cleveland) where the dreamers dream and the hustlers con steal and kill to get what they need , I love the story that is about to be told because I can say " I survived , I made it and I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet , to tell my truth and be "her" voice because its some girl(s) that has been raped, molested ,abused or hurt by some close or far away .
    I'm "her " voice  , she may not be strong enough to speak but I'm here to help you gain that inner strength and say "IM READY TO LIVE"  on the inside and  set free. I hope this book encourages & inspires women of all ethnic groups and even men because they are victims , but that's a big  topic that never discussed so fellas this is for you  as well then maybe  you can learn how to deal with a woman that's Been through life  , every woman you meet isn't going to be dainty ,sweet and soft some of us are hard ass hell because when we where soft the world made us harden up because we were to fragile but all flowers must die and turn into dirt and out the dirt a Diamond shined so bright that it scared people because it was so new so fresh first of its kind so remember without pressure you can't shine to your fullest potential . I want to  possibly give you a different outlook on women , learn to love the melanin woman because that's who brought you here that's who carried you and a higher power let her bring you into the world so please learn to grow to have respect for women it doesn't make you weak or less of a man because you respect women so fellas I want  to empower you so you can view women different ,  ladies I want to empower you as well so you can gain the courage you need to be a "Queen" & not a "Thot" take pride in yourself know that you can doing whatever you want  , your all beautiful and never let anyone abuse you or put you down because that's not love . We all have our vices we look for in people that we lack or want , I lacked protection at home and fatherly wise. Lacking protection as a child and a female , I went through life defenseless & seeking someone to protect me . I used to dream about a big buy saving me and telling me "you all mines baby" Lol but he said it so powerful and so much meaning , that I actually believed him  it may sounds cheesy but that level of comfort and protection was needed I've fought my whole life and majority of the fights where men , coming up in an era where men thought being hard was abusing women and they thought it was love so they stayed .
  I've seen countless women get abused and stay , I vowed and refused to be  " HER" a lot of the time people don't know what real love is because no one has showed them love they have only been given imitation love . Sometimes this love is toxic ass hell , but both parties stay and deal with the generational curses , different vices I just refused to be apart of the bull I wasn't with the shits. I was raised by a loving man & woman that loved me gave me the world , my auntie always said your beautiful and never let anyone tell you different & I could do anything if I put my mind to it and that she loved me to the moon and back. She always said get you a nice man like your uncle  and you would be fine uncle took care of us all and never complained he held down the fort tour years and I'm talking double digit years so I don't think its a man alive like my uncle . these guys these days can't hold a conversation or a relationship with they kid let alone trying  hold down a whole family . I won't ever find a man close to uncle in this age group . Besides uncle & auntie my god mother who is aunties best friend they raised me  , she's my eating buddy she always know where to eat lol  I used to stay with her and Melissa . going  through life with no father ,abused ,violated &mutilated seeking that man that lies in your head because outside of my uncle I've never seen a real man so he was the only example I had too go off of until I grew to understand me & my likes and dislikes.
    Since the beginning of time I just wanted love and to be love because that's what I once received whole heartily . a lot of people didn't like my presence and they made it known but not to the public eye . finding myself , going through different guys was a journey because I didn't know I  had a protection complex problem until later in life by that time a lot of bad things had happened to me that would later affect me later in life as an adult . Nevertheless enter my world to explore my life through my eyes no shade no hate its all love but I must tell the story . I went to the doctor told her after 2 years of wanting to say something I asked for a referral to talk to someone  and she gave me one but I had the referral for that whole time and never went . I felt My story didn't  belong on anybody's  pad , it deserved to be told brought to life because this is everyday life for some people , its people living this right now its some little girl getting molested or some little boy hungry , some parent is choosing there significant other over there child or some kid is lost in the system due to parents selfish moves , I vowed I wouldn't be selfish if I had kids but at the rate things was going I just wanted to be free from the bs I just wanted to live . stay tuned because its only the beginning of Time. Writing this book I learned so much about myself and how much I've grew up on so many levels and my maturity is , as a Moorish woman I had to embrace change and growth we all must get with the maturity and growth meaning  don't get stuck in one set that's the ability of having a brain to be able to reprogram it and obtain new information . I'm happy for the journey , didn't realize how important "Time " is for me till now, time moves so fast and makes you think that everything is nonexistent but it is , it is the one thing that controls life because without it we would be lost , nothing would have order, think about it we wait for things , loved ones, birthdays , holidays etc. and that's called time so understand that's one of life's most precious gifts that's  why we cant get it back so appreciate life and understand time waits for no one get with the program .