I'll Settle for You

LYRIC ~ Ridin'

"Love is like a rose. It looks beautiful on the outside...but there is always pain hidden somewhere." ~Anonymous

“Who are you on the phone with, Ray?”

“Look, let me take care of this and I’ll call you in a lil bit. Yeah, you too.” He said into the phone before hanging up and turning to me. “What the hell is your problem, Lyric?”

“What’s my problem? What’s my problem? Who the hell were you all up in here on the phone with?” I yelled.

“You need to calm that shit down. Don’t come at me like you ain’t got no damn sense.” He pushed past me to leave out of the bathroom.

“Fuck you, Ray! How are you going to sit up in my house and talk to another bitch on the phone?”

“I wasn’t on the phone with a girl.” He denied.

“You’re a damn lie, Ray! Because if you weren’t on the phone with some girl then you wouldn’t have felt the need to hide in the bathroom. So who was it?” How is it that we always ended up right back here? I was tired of going through this every other day. I’d catch him doing something, he’d apologize, and like a fool, I’d forgive him.

“Lyric, baby, seriously, I wasn’t on the phone with a bitch. I was talking to my mom.” He finally admitted, though I didn’t believe him.

“Same difference.”

“That’s how we doing it, Lyric? You gone just call my mom a bitch?”

“Well if the shoe fits.” I replied angrily. Yes, it was mean, but in my defense, his mom was a bitch.

“Bae, why you trippin on me?” He asked softly, attempting to put his arms around me, but I pushed him away.

“Why am I not enough for you, Ray? What do I have to do for you to stop fucking around? I do everything for you, give you all of me. Why isn’t that enough?”

“You are enough, bae. I told you that I’m not doing anything. Why you always trying to sabotage our love?”

“Who were you on the phone with?” I asked again.

“Damn, I already told you who! You know what? I don’t have time for this shit! I’m out.” He grabbed his keys and headed for the door.

“Fine then! And have that bitch pay your phone bill from here on out!” I yelled. A moment later, I heard the door slam. I was pissed! More at myself than him, but either way, I was livid. I really needed to get myself together and get over Raymond. When I’m stressed, I clean, so I popped in Lady Hitta’s Don’t Get it Twisted album and started in the kitchen. I’d just finished vacuuming the living room floor when What Would You Do came on.

“See the problem is…We women don’t respect ourselves. We let these fellas have their way, we don’t protect ourselves. We’re so busy thinking bout them, that we neglect ourselves. We try to please the whole world and we forget ourselves. Cuz see, a man gone be a man and that’s just how it is. So we gotta learn there’s more to life than playin house and having kids. And ain’t no need of sitting at home, tryin to figure who he out wit. Cuz he can only do you wrong just as long as you allow it. How we let it get to this and live with so much drama? Well it seems like we’re content with just being baby mamas. So I’ma tell you, never put the man above yourself cuz he won’t respect you till you respect yourself. How you gone take care of him when you neglect yourself? You try to be his everything, you better check yourself! Cuz you come first…”

Damn, talk about truth. Why couldn’t I be that strong? Why did I keep playing myself? Ray obviously didn’t give a damn about me, so why did I have to love him so much? Why did I have to care so much? I didn’t realize I was crying until I tasted the salt of my tears on my lips. If I could just get him out of my system, let him go… Hitta was depressing me, so I turned off the stereo. The clock let me know it was almost ten, so I went to take a shower. I wanted so badly to call Ray and see where he was, but I just couldn’t let myself do it. I wouldn’t be that weak. I didn’t need him, I told myself as I climb in bed, but I knew that wasn’t really true. I did need him. I needed him more than my next breath. So even though I knew I’d be giving up my last little bit of self-worth, I called him. He finally answered after the fourth ring.