I'll Settle for You

MILES ~ We're Not Making Love No More

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.” ~Anonymous

“Sure I've been in love a time or two

But in the end I still chose you

No one could ever make me feel this way

That's why it's killing me, what we're going through

Somehow thought 'tween me and you

Our love would stand the test of time and never ever fade”

I rode down I-20, listening to Dru Hill and thinking about my marriage. I was on my way to Mansfield, Louisiana to see my aunt, and I wouldn’t be back in Dallas for two days. Naomi was already gone before I left that Friday morning, so that would make three days without seeing my wife. The part that bothered me most was that I wasn’t upset about that. I should’ve been upset right? But honestly, I didn’t think I would miss her at all. Maybe if things were the way they used to be, I wouldn’t have felt that way. Naomi had changed. Perhaps I had to, but not to the same extent. She wasn’t the same woman I’d fallen in love with and married. I still loved her; nothing could change that, but it just wasn’t the same.

“Can we please stop listening to these depressing ass love songs?” Dizzy said from the passenger seat. I’d actually forgotten all about him. Not responding, I switched to one of the satellite radio stations and a rap song I didn’t know came on. “That’s more like it!”

We rode in relative silence for a long time. I used it to think more about my marriage. I had a really strong feeling that things were more messed up and I’d originally thought. I suspected that maybe my wife was messing around. Did I have proof? No, but deep down inside, I knew that it wasn’t true. It was the only explanation. Our relationship was once so intense, so sexual. We hardly ever made love now; perhaps once a month, if that. She was distant - coming home late and leaving early. She never wanted to talk or do anything towards the betterment of our marriage. Even counseling didn’t seem to make a difference. The only time she seemed to want to work it out was if I mentioned divorce or separation. She would immediately get remorseful and attentive and the next thing I knew, we were both naked. She was playing me, and I knew it. I just couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I loved her too much. All I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were when we were happy.

Had I given her a reason to cheat? Not to brag or anything, but I’d never had any complaints in the sex department from any of my previous girlfriends. I could tell by her reaction that I knew all the spots to hit. I was well endowed, in great shape, and I was rather talented in over areas of lovemaking as well. Nai and I used to fuck like bunnies, so when did it change? The Parker case. She said that she was lonely, that I spent more time on that case than I did on my marriage. Was that true? Perhaps, but is that a reason to break our wedding vows? I was trying to make a name for myself, secure our future and income. I was trying to build a life for her and our children. And even if you didn’t take any of that into account; what about all the things I’d done after the case was over? What about all the time and effort I put in trying to make this work? Did that count for nothing? And why not simply leave? It hurt my heart to think it, but if she didn’t really love me, why were we still married?

I needed these next two days to put some serious thought into what I wanted to do. If I was being honest with myself, I was tired of playing this game. How could I win if she kept changing the rules? More importantly, did I still want to win? I mean I loved her and I never would have asked her to marry me if I didn’t want to spend my life with her. I wanted nothing more than for her to be the mother of my kids. But every day, I became a little bitterer, a little harder. Had I given up hope already and my heart just didn’t know yet? I didn’t know if I’d ever truly stop loving her, but knew I couldn’t forgive infidelity either.