mania; ski/x

thirty five- admission

thirty five- admission

"Surprise!" Stokeley exclaimed, joy evident in the tone of his voice. But, in that moment of stillness, I see my mother sat on the couch of his with Ms. Goulbourne.

My brain stutters for a moment and my eyes take in more light than I expected, every part of me goes on pause while my thoughts catch up. My face fell faster than a corpse in cement boots. In that instant my skin became cold, my mouth hanging with lips slightly parted and my eyes as wide as they could stretch. What in the fuck, I thought to myself.

My mom's eyes were set on my very own for a split second before she stood up from her seat almost immediately. Her presence was suddenly approaching me, causing this sudden feeling of fear to corrupt my system. In addition, I began to back away from her.

"Jahseh, please...just lis-"

"No!" I interrupted, my hands immediately finding their way through my hair. "You don't even know the amount of stress and pain you put me through!"

"I know!" She quickly made way to grab ahold of my wrist, pulling me closer to her presence. "And I'm sorry...that's why I'm here to apologize, Jahseh."

"Forgive you?" I questioned, growing agitated by the second. Instead of ranting my head off, I found myself chuckling. "Cleo, I forgave you the day I left that house because I knew you were sick in the mind...sick for thinking I coerced my own father into molesting me."

Her lips were parted, her gaze on me strong. "Jah, plea-"

"And I'm not gay," I abruptly interrupted. "Those dreadful days I endured left me sick with myself. It was so traumatizing that it changed my outlook on who I thought I was."

The three had their eyes on me, and mothers grip on my wrist began to loosen as well. Her mouth opened to talk, but all of the attention left me feeling exposed and anxious; it was silent in my ears, all I could hear was the rapid beating of my heart. In conclusion, I found myself giving them one last look before storming out of the living room and eventually the house itself in a hurry.

And as I made my way out of the front door an intense feeling of vulnerability and disgust began to submerge my system. In addition, I began to make way towards Royce's neighborhood—my real home—completely forgetting about ever reuniting with my mother. But I bite my tongue, trying to hold the tears that threatened to leave my eyes, but I miserably failed.

First, one small crystal bead escapes from my right eye. I can feel the warmth, slowly sliding down my cheek and rolling off my chin. Then another, and another. Until my eyes flood with them, bursting forth like water from a dam. Sniffling every ten seconds, they fall, and fall, and I let them. Tear-rimmed eyes stared back at me, with watery streaks falling down my brown face. I smoothed my hair and wiped the tears from my cheeks which were now blotchy and mottled. My whole face was now washed with a red, including the very end of my nose.

But the sudden feeling of a hand grabbing my arm to turn me around caused me to jolt back in fear after noticing who it was. "Jahseh," Stokeley said to me, his voice soft, sounding as if it was silk, "I'm so fucking sorry."

My bottom lip began to quiver, that feeling of vulnerability growing stronger each second that passed. "Why?" I found myself asking almost immediately after those few seconds of silence between us. "Why would you bring me to her?"

"I-I just wanted you guys to get back on good terms so you could live with her again and we can be closer to each other," he responded, a look of sadness in his brown eyes. "I didn't know the reason for you leaving, and now that I know I feel so utterly horrible...please don't be mad at me, I was completely oblivious to this all, I swear to you."