Too Good

Talk Me Down

The work week has been crazy but rewarding. You realize that as busy as work has been you haven't had time to think. When at work you're focused on the task at hand and when at home you're too tired to think about anything but bed.

It's Thursday morning and it's errand day. You set off early in the morning to get some shopping done and then head to your therapy appointment at 11. Sitting down with your therapist is always difficult for you. You go in thinking everything is fine and every week you leave in tears because she knows exactly what to ask to pull what's bothering you out. 

"Hey, y/n, come on in!" She ushers you into her cozy little office. Sitting down you smile, you always notice all the things in the room as you look around. The zen garden on the table is always different, she has a new self-help book on display."How was your weekend? Anything new or fun?" she asks.

You wince at the question remembering the argument with Jungkook. "Ah you know, went out to the club, as usual, went home with Jungkook as usual"Sensing hesitation in your voice she presses on "and?" 

You sigh "and he wants more. He's asked for me to stay the last three weeks." Taking a sip of tea she looks up at you over the mug. "Did you?"You scoff "god no, and what? Get attached to another man just for a letdown?" She places her mug back down on the table next to her.

"How long have you been seeing each other? 3, 4 months?"You ponder it for a moment trying to count back "yeah, that seems about right... 4 months. Though I wouldn't call it 'seeing each other'. We go out, drink, and have sex."

"So he has feelings and wants more, but you... don't?"T

aken aback by her question you think about what Jungkook is to you. "I mean, I care about him, and there are times when I think about more but... maybe I'm just not in the right mindset for what he wants."

"Does he love you?" she asks, taking another sip of her tea. 

"I... I don't know. I guess so, yeah. I think he does." your answers grow shaky as she starts hitting the soft spots in the subject of your relationship with Jungkook.

"Do you love him?"You balk at her question "do I lo- ha! No. I don't love Kook- Jungkook." She nods back "well, I mean like I said... I care about him... he's sweet and damn he's good in bed. Love? eh..."

"It sounds like you're confronting a deeper question in your mind."Your mouth lets loose, the rambling begins as it always does "I don't know. Love? I've 'loved' so many before who's to say I even know love when I feel it? I'm addicted to the thought of love remember?"

She watches and listens as your thoughts unfold before her, questions in your mind. Do you love Jungkook? It's been 4 months of steady hot weekends at the club, 4 months of going back to his place to chase your high. In 4 months you'd shared many drinks, talks, laughs. If you admitted it to yourself in the last 4 months he was the only one who consistently came to your mind when you went out. 

"Do you love Jungkook?" She asks again. 

"I don't know... maybe. Maybe I'm in lust with him like I have been with every man before him. Maybe he just makes me feel good." you continue thinking about it as you speak. 

"You know, y/n, just because you've felt addicted to lust and love in the past doesn't mean you are incapable of the real thing"

"Having an addiction means finding healthy ways to cope. Do you think you're capable of learning to love in a healthy way?" 

She speaks in an encouraging way making you think that maybe you're not too fucked up to learn the right way to grow in love with someone. You contemplate her last question, mulling it over in your head. 

"I don't know, I want to say yes, I want to feel whole. I want to feel capable and worthy of the real thing."Jungkook makes you feel that way. He makes you feel like maybe you have a shot at that with him.

"So, start there, let yourself feel, let yourself have fun. Take him up on the offer and stay the night, if you don't like it then at least you tried, what do you have to lose?" 

Her question lingers and before you can stop yourself you answer. 

 "If I hurt him, everything."