𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐍! | harry styles

𝐗𝐕𝐈𝐈

November 2, 2009

Dear Bella,

Your letter did make me feel better, but it hurt a bit, too. That's what they say about the truth, right? Let's just say I had a few days to absorb everything you wrote.

You shouldn't have sent the money. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything about the shoes. I shouldn't have ever mentioned my financial situation at all. At first I was really upset. Now I'm not sure how I feel. I'm grateful, I guess. Thank you. It was a very thoughtful thing to do. You still shouldn't have done it. I will pay you back when I get out.

Things here aren't getting any better. Last week was bad. Real bad. I was in the wrong place when a fight broke out. I have a black eye and my lip got busted open. I swear I was just trying to protect myself. I was the first one on the ground when the guards broke it up, but do you think it mattered? They put me in solitary for 72 hours. I'm not trying to be a whiny bitch, but how is that fair? I didn't instigate anything. I've never acted on anything other than self-defense here. It's not like I put myself into bad situations. It's fucking prison. I can't always avoid the bad shit. Sometimes it just happens, and those of us who are in the wrong place at the wrong time are powerless to do anything about it.

Two of the guys here were denied parole last month. Both of their reasons were listed as "behavioral issues." I know I have as many, if not more, infractions on my record than one of them. I don't know how recent the information is that the parole board reviews, but if they see this I'm done. I should have never gotten my hopes up. I shouldn't have let myself dream about what it could have been like. I'm going to be stuck here for another year at least, and at that point they'll probably just make me finish the rest of my sentence.

I don't belong here. I was guilty and I deserved to be punished, but not like this. I've seen drug dealers and rapists released in less time than me. I've learned my lesson. I've changed. I'm not a risk to the public. I've spent a third of my life here. How is that justice? I wasn't perfect when I got here, and I'm not going to be perfect when I get out. I can't live up to their standards when everything is against me no matter how hard I try.

I feel like I'm burdening you even though you say I'm not. I don't want to put this on your shoulders, but if I don't get it all out somehow, I'm going to go crazy. Do you know what it's like to want something that's just out of your reach? There are so many things I want, and what I want the most I can't have. It makes me want to scream and bang my head against the wall.

I hope things get better soon, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Harry

p.s. Will you visit me? I can't do this alone anymore. I need someone.