Sugar Honey Iced Tea

18

Beau comes round and I've got goosebumps. I've decided that I have to tell him now or forever hold my peace. And I don't know about you, but forever is way too long to keep the fact I like girls inside me.
He's on the bed, sat upright, not making himself at home like he normally would. It's pretty quiet. God, I hate this. How did it all go so wrong, so quick?
"Let's talk about this, then." He says. You can tell he genuinely wants to sort this out.
I hold his hand, facing him, ready to tell him. "Beau, you know I love you."
He curls his fingers around my palm. "I love you too."
"But, there's something I have to admit. It's fine if you're mad, but please hear me out."
He winces. "You're cheating on me?"
"What? No!"
He smiles lightly. "I'm kidding. Go on."
I stare into his eyes. Here goes nothing. "Beau, the reason I've been so off lately, is because...well, I've been figuring out some stuff, about how I feel...and—"
     As I'm about to let my feelings pour out of me, I feel my stomach curling up. God, I feel so sick. If this isn't just a phase and I am in fact, attracted to girls, won't my relationship with Beau turn sour? It honestly can't do, I mean, I'm still attracted to boys, I think. Wonder what Todrick Hall did in this situation. He's not...you know...bisexual or anything, but there's no doubt he's gay. I guess this is just difficult – Dad's always saying I'm bad at talking about my feelings – Mum is too. But here I am, telling my boyfriend of two months, that I'm most certainly gay and cheating on him with my best friend of God knows how many years.
There's a clog in my throat. "I think...I like girls, as well as boys."
He sits there, still like a statue. Like the cogs in his mind are turning. I can't tell if he's shocked or upset; nothing about his face says anything.
"Now, I know this is a shock—"
He opens his mouth, "I'm not shocked." He says. "I think, maybe I've always known?"
"What?"
"Yeah. I mean, you talk about Idina Menzel like you're in love with her or something. You once said Judy Garland is your type." He laughs a little.
     "I guess."
     "I'm actually kinda relieved," he chuckles. "I thought you were goona tell me you've been swapping spit with some other guy."
     Uh-oh, now here comes the even harder part.
     "Well, that's the thing. Technically, I haven't been swapping spit with a guy." I feel so small, like at any minute he's goona regret ever knowing me, ever meeting me, and ever being with me.
     Beau speaks, so tiny. "W-what?"
     I quiver and take another breath. "I'm so sorry."
     Drown me. "W-with who?" he stammers.
     "Leah. And Veronica Holt. One time." I think I'm going to cry. I honestly don't blame Beau if he wants to cry too, but he's way too strong for that.
     "Leah? That girl you're always hanging out with?" I know he won't, but I deserve to be punched. "Veronica Holt?! This is a joke, right?" I so wish it was, Beau Sullivan.
"I had to tell you. I didn't want to lie to you—"
"That's such fucking bullshit, Jules, and you know it!" He's like a lion. "How long's this been going on then, huh? Weeks? Months? Before we even started dating?"
I'm shaking. "On Saturday, Veronica's party. I, we, were drunk." I clear my throat. "And Tuesday, in the woods, me and Leah kissed. But I promise, that's all." What I've done is inexcusable, I know.
Beau's welling up inside, I can see it. He's let go of my hand, his nose is flared, his eyes are watery. He's got his head in his hands now. "What have you done?..." he says it so quietly I can just barely hear him.
"I don't know. I don't know. I never wanted to hurt you."
He looks up at me, scarred. "Yeah, well, you should've thought about that before you cheated on me." He gets up, marches to the doorway angrily. "We're over." His voice cracks and with that he's gone.
     I cry and cry and cry and cry and cry until there's nothing in me. What have I become? Am I being dramatic? I'm sure I am. Poor Beau, poor Veronica, poor Leah – they don't deserve to know me.